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Advice with Spyce: Kiss, Kiss, Slap?

Dear Spyce,

When I grew up, in romantic situations guys leaned in for a kiss, made the move and then… either magic or a slap in the face. Nowadays that seems to be not just wrong, but possibly illegal! Any advice on what I can do to not get slapped…with a lawsuit?

Sincerely,

 – an OK Boomer

Dear Sir,

This is quite the question for our times, and as a strong powerful woman who believes strongly in the power of consent, I must tread lightly. But as a kick ass Gen X chick who wants to be thrown down and get it given to me good, I also must voice my opinion and state things as I see them, even at the risk of sounding like an old fart, or even worse, an OK Boomer. 

So here it goes. 

People nowadays are too darn sensitive. You really have to walk a fine line between offending someone and turning them on. Back in my day…well ok, I grew up on movies like Porky’s and Fast Times so what the hell do I know…

But the good news is, there are ways to have a high level of consent, and make sure that everyone is doing exactly what they want, AND still make things super sexy. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out (although my friend who is dating an actual rocket scientist waxes poetic about his love-making skills), but it does take a certain level of panache and finesse. While that might seem tiresome to all you horny fossils out there, it’s worth it in the end to make sure you end up getting screwed in only the best way possible. 

Now call me a basic bitch if you must, but I have to say that I’ve never been a fan of the constant inquiry at every turn. “Is this ok, is that ok, still ok?” That’s so millennial speak! I don’t want to hear your man bun questioning at every moment; it kinda takes me out of the sexiness of what’s going on, when I just want to be relaxed and pounded good. 

But as mentioned, consent is important. I don’t want anyone to think that’s NOT the case. So the crux is about getting the consent out of the way, and then going balls deep (if that’s what you’re into).

Rather than going in for the spontaneous kiss, how about acknowledging sooner than later that there’s a level of attraction there, and expressing your desire for wanting to explore it, in a mature and consensual way? Have an in-depth conversation about your own desires, and give the other person an open platform to discuss theirs. 

Now, people might worry that this isn’t sexy, and if we talk about it, then the other person will have doubts and not just go with it. But that’s exactly where we get into trouble. 

Back in the day, before there was all this talk of healthy boundaries, clear communication, and safe sex conversations, we were given the idea that there were two players in this party game. The Initiator, whose job it was to push it (push it good) as far as possible until you get a firm and resounding no. As The Initiatee, the constant battle is in your head:“How far do I let them go before I am supposed to feel disrespected, or before I’m ensuring that they will never call me again?” 

That game is one where no one comes out a winner, and it can lead to heartache, feelings of violation, and possible police reports. Ain’t nobody got time for that! 

So you gotta talk it all out first, explore every emotional nook and cranny, or at least have a basic idea of what’s on the menu before you dive in hungry. 

Of course, either party still has the ability to change their mind at any time, and hopefully having these kinds of conversations up-front opens up the lines of communication for a more comfortable interaction later on in the night when you’re high on oxytocin and genitalia. 

So you see, Boomer, there is a healthy middle ground to all of this. All you need to do is up-level your communication skills. Talk about all of it… in the beginning. Get consent, lots of it, upfront. And then, if they’re ok with it, you can proceed with a passionate and spontaneous experience, without having to ask for permission at every stroke. 

Love, Spyce 


Dear Spyce,

What do we do with maybes? Everyone talks about the fuck yes/fuck no distinction. Fuck no is easy, I don’t have a problem with that. But fuck yes happens to me never. I have had hot, intense fast-burn relationships based off chemistry that seemed like “fuck yes,” and then I’ve had people that I grew to love and form long-term stable relationships with that never started as “fuck yes” either. Fuck Yes as a guide feels inaccessible to me. So in my dating process I’m left with some solid “maybes” but I feel like that’s not good enough. Shouldn’t I know right off the bat if it’s a Fuck No or Yes, like everyone else seems to? 

Signed, Fuck If I Know

Dearest FIIK,

I have to tell you, this is very refreshing, and here’s the reason why. Since the whole F No/Yes concept was brought out into the great wide open, I have always been on the side of, “what the heckadoodle about the Fuck Maybe?”

I’ve specifically taught about it in my Healthy Boundaries courses as I truly believe that this is an important part of having clear boundaries and being able to speak to them in a concise way.

While I understand that the concept of fuck no or yes is geared towards trusting your gut, which I wholeheartedly subscribe to, I also think that we put too much pressure on ourselves to know exactly what we want in every scenario right away, and put pressure on ourselves to act accordingly immediately. 

People may be an F Yes at first because they are someone who does not like to disappoint others, and so they say F Yes at first, only to cancel later after they’ve had time away with themselves to get clear on what they really want, and realize that they are not being true to their actual desires. 

As you mentioned, there’s pure old lust disguised as F Yes, but once things settle down, you realize that you were once again duped by the Fuck No Fairy, and it’s time to move on. 

Now you mentioned F No being easy, and that is the case for some. But if we are to take a deeper look at that, you might be immediately putting up the wall of F No because you’re afraid of being hurt, taken advantage of, or maybe not being able to assert a boundary later on, so it’s easier to just not get involved from the beginning. While the scenario on hand may in fact not be a good situation for you, if you don’t have time to fully evaluate that because you feel pressured to know immediately which way your fuck is going, you might wind up losing out on a very good thing. 

So that’s why I think the F Maybes come in very handy, and can have their place to shine. Those sweet F Maybes buy you time, that precious commodity, to tune in your deeper desires, and really evaluate where you are with someone or something, as opposed to just giving an off the cuff answer that may or may not be what you truly feel. 

It’s always ok to take a step back and keep your own sovereignty intact, and there’s never a need for pressure (from yourselves or others) to go either way with something until you are 100% ready. So relax, and exercise your right for a healthy FUCK MAYBE!

Love, Spyce




Advice with Spyce: Weight Training

Hi Spyce,

So here’s what I’m wondering. I am a very friendly young woman who likes to make connections and not make things awkward. Recently, I saw my personal trainer on a dating site. Now I don’t really feel like we would be a good fit, but I always like to talk about dating stories, and also maybe I could hook him up with a friend or something. We are in a group program and so I was thinking about mentioning it to him casually next time we are together at the gym.

Do you think this is a good idea?
Outgoing or Offensive

Dear OoO…

Well…do I think this is a good idea? Hm…I gotta say, for me it’s a resounding hell no!

Surprised? Yeah, I’m sure you are. I mean, if you know one thing about Spyce it’s that Spyce did not go through life as Spyce by being shy and passive. Abso-freakin-lutely not! I am ALWAYS the one to say “Go for it, GF!” and to mean it! You never know until you try, the universe rewards actions, you miss all of the shots you don’t take, and all of that good stuff. 

But here’s the thing that makes this situation different. It’s the old keep your professional and personal life separate thing. May feel like archaic advice but it still rings true! 

I mean, come on now, the guy is at work! And you’re his client, so essentially you are kinda like his boss cause you shakin your booty under his watchful eye pays his bills. So that means even if he was utterly mortified by you talking to him about his dating life, he couldn’t really express that without possibly being rude at work and losing a client. There’s a power dynamic at play here that leads us into some sticky territory…

Now let’s say on the other hand that he’s absolutely thrilled to talk with you about his charmed life, it still could get weird before too long. The world is sooooo on edge these days and it’s incredibly easy to say something “inappropriate” and throw someone into a tizzy. 

So even though I admire your enthusiasm, I have to say that this conversation just has the potential to truly throw a wrench in your fun and easy fitness scenario, and I’d hate to hear of that happening. 

Here’s the thing… People meet significant others at work all the time. (My cousin’s wife was just talking about how she met him when she worked at Starbucks and he would come in to get his Macchiato.) So it’s not entirely off base. But you have to know how to approach it casually, and maybe out of earshot of other people. You say that you excel at making things less awkward, so maybe use some of that charm to figure out how to get the stories you want, without causing some missteps in the process.

You can do it!
xoxo
–Spyce 

Dear Spyce,

I am a bigger woman and while I have been with men who appreciate me for who I am, I am in a bad place now due to a recent breakup. In the relationship my ex would constantly berate me for my size, and even though he told me that he loved me “despite my weight”, just him saying that made me feel awful. Now that we are apart, I never want to go through that again. Any advice on how I can be sure to avoid men like that, as well as heal from my past experiences?  

Heavy and Hot!

Dearest HH,

First off, I am so sorry to hear that you had that experience! We can all be sexy at any size, and it’s unfortunate that you were with someone so shallow, that they only focused on outside appearances, instead of the beauty that I can tell you have within. I strongly agree that never dating someone like that again is the best decision, and here’s how I think you can go about that. 

First, make sure you are not unconsciously delivering this negative body shaming rhetoric to yourself through any media. Our society is full of it, so be aware of that, and how it affects you. Make sure to rid your social media of any groups or pages that are not body positive, and unfollow anyone who makes you feel bad about how you look. 

Meanwhile, join more sex positive communities where all kinds of body types are celebrated, embraced, and seen as sexy. Meeting more people who are comfortable in their skin and confident at any size will help model for you how that behaviour is possible, and it’s not just one shape of body that deserves love, intimacy, and pleasure. 

Finally, work on ways to increase your own feelings of self worth, so you can be more selective in who you choose to spend time with. If someone seems too focused on how you look, try to redirect their attention to another positive quality you have. Oftentimes we can tell from the beginning what someone is like, but we tend to overlook certain things in order to see what we want to see. Don’t do that! Make sure to be very aware of someone’s feelings around the things that are important to you. Be willing to hold strong boundaries, speak your mind, and even voice your insecurities. There’s no reason why you can’t be transparent with a new person and let them know about this experience and how awful you think it is. If they don’t agree, you get a good idea of the kind of person that they are. If they do, then you may have found a good match! 

Whatever it is, remember to treat yourself kindly and with love. Every inch of you! Your body has taken you through all of your life, and it deserves to be honored and respected, no matter what state it’s in. 

xoxo
—Spyce 




All’s Fair?: Two readers find out that maybe not all is fair when it comes to love

Dear Spyce,

I’m finding myself attracted to my best friend’s brother and I don’t know what to do about it. I have known him for many years, but never really saw him in this light. But recently that’s changed, and I can’t get him out of my mind. I don’t want to make things awkward for my best friend, but I am the kind of person who likes to go for it when I feel things, so I’m contemplating letting him know. Do you think this is an ok plan?

He’s my Best Friend’s Brother, not girl

Hi there,

Ah, the brotherly love … I know it well! There have definitely been some times in my life when I’ve had a wonderful friend who I loved spending time with and then … I met their brother, a total hunk of a sexy package. As a matter of fact, I met my very own husband through knowing his brother, so I’d say this is a subject that’s close to my heart. 

What to do?

It is true that people do tend to feel a little protective of their siblings for one reason or another. It could be based on their relationship with their sibling. There is often a dynamic that goes on within families that only the members of said family are privy to, and you may not know the full story of what’s happening. They may not want to see their sibling get hurt, or they may know that their sibling is a player and they may not want to see you get hurt. Has this happened before with them? Have other friends or lovers gotten between them?

There could be some jealousy in the dynamic as well. Maybe your friend could want something like you could have with their brother, or maybe they want something like what their brother could have with you. Or maybe their brother has stolen their best friend before and they are afraid of being cut out of the loop. 

It could also very well be that your bestie would be thrilled to have you as their in-law, or closer to the family, and they might be all for it. 

It’s a bit tricky to understand or know for sure. 

That being said, the only way to really determine what the situation is or could be, is to get more information. Since you are not a shy person, this should not be difficult for you. But if you want to go into this a bit more covertly so as not to stir the pot if it’s going to wind up creating a stew that you soon realize you don’t have an appetite for, you can approach it a slightly more inquisitive way. 

To me, the first order of business would be to find out more about the brother himself so you can learn if he’s even interested and/or available to connect with you. No reason to get too deeply into things if that’s not even feasible. Then I’d start inquiring with your best friend. There is much information that you can glean by simply being inquisitive and “making conversation.” Since I’m a relationship coach, it’s always easy for me to get into a discussion about some aspect of romance, but even if you’re not, it doesn’t mean that you can’t ask some pertinent questions of your own. 

Maybe start with someone simple like, “Hey, I’m going to screw your brother, you’re cool with that, right?” LOL, I kid! Do not say that! Just talk in more general terms to take the temperature of the situation. That way you can find out if you’re in for a shitstorm, or bright and sunny days.

Xoxo

Spyce 

Dear Spyce,

So I had a video first date planned with a guy. I Facetime him and he picks up while driving. I say, hey its ok, just call me when you get home. So he calls when he arrives but then the video date is him talking while he is unloading the car, putting away the groceries, basically just him walking around multitasking. I just found myself getting offended. This is shitty behavior … right?

WTF Watcher

Hello!

Wow, just wow. Yes, that IS absolutely shitty behaviour! And it’s a great way to let someone know that you have your head up your ass, which is probably why you’re all shitty! 

Ok, you’re busy, we get it. You’re casual, oh so cashz, that’s cool, right? 

Um no. It’s not cool, it’s disrespectful. It would be one thing if you were old friends, or had already spent some time together and were dating, but that’s really not how you make a first impression. So my first thought would be to drop him and move on. However, there is a gray area here, as there almost always is. 

Not to make excuses for the dude, but maybe he is really bad at time management and maybe he thinks he’s doing the upstanding thing by trying to fit you into his busy schedule. Or maybe he’s just super duper clueless and doesn’t realize that this could make someone feel invalidated and unprioritized. Or maybe he’s a dumb douchnozzle.

But the only way to know for sure is to look deeper.

IF you want to. Because I’m sure as shit not going to tell anyone that they have to engage if they don’t want to. However, if you feel like he has some redeeming qualities and/or you just want some practice being clear with your wants and needs, this could be a good time for some clear communication. 

For example, try saying to him something like this: “It’s hard for me to engage and get to know you properly while you’re doing other tasks. Is there another time that would be better for you when we can reschedule and I can have your full attention?” 

In this scenario you are having a mature and candid discussion addressing your concerns. If he cannot see your side of things, he isn’t worth the time and you can move on feeling content knowing you at least made the effort.

We expect that there are basic rules of consideration, and while that is true, this one teeters on the brink of maybe he’s just unaware and/or run for the hills. You won’t really know for sure until you inquire more deeply, so if that feels good to you, that would be where I’d go! 

Best of luck!

Spyce




Advice with Spyce: Love over Zoom and love not meant to be

Hi Spyce,

I work for a company with offices all over the country, and since the pandemic and Zoom meetings, I have been meeting people in other offices who aren’t in my area. I really hit it off with one of my co-workers who lives about 1,500 miles away, and we have started chatting outside of work. 

I know that he’s single, but I don’t really know much else about his personal life and because we didn’t meet through a dating app, I haven’t wanted to ask. I’m starting to really like him, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make things weird if he doesn’t like me. 

What should I do?

Jonesing for my Job Crush

Hello Ms Jones!

Well my normal advice when someone comes to me and says, “I like this guy from work” is to ask, “What do you like better? Your job, or the guy?” because typically, you can’t have both. I mean, maybe it can work out occasionally, but the old expression, “Don’t shit where you eat” is there for a reason, and that reason is dynamically attached to the very scenario that you speak of. Because if things go south with the guy and then you have to see his ass everyday at the place you where you have to go to make your money, it’s not going to be comfy-town.

That being said, we are in the computer age, and the days of office culture is not what it used to be, so you obviously CAN be connected with someone from work and never even see them. Which brings me to your case, and another fantastic fact and that is that you never have seen this dude in person. 

Now that’s not necessarily a bad thing, and love has blossomed from all kinds of auspicious spaces, especially in COVID times, but you don’t want to pin all of your hopes on the guy who you’ve only seen through a little screen. I mean, seriously? Who the hell is this guy anyway? Does he even have a real background or is that all virtual, too? His apartment might be covered in pizza boxes and you’d never even know! 

Then again, far be it from me to stand in the way of true love. 

But I think your real question is this: How can I tell if he likes me? That, my friend, is not too hard. Does he contact you without you always having to make the first move? Is he interested in your life? Does he inquire about you, and want to learn all about you? Does he talk about future plans? These are all indicators that he just may feel a stirring in his panties for you. 

So if you don’t want to go full frontal on him and lay it all on the line, you can do some good with a little subtlety, and that horrific concept we all know and hate … patience! 

Of course we all want the answers now, now, NOW! And we can get them sometimes if we decide to put ourselves out there, but you have to know that there’s risk involved in that pursuit, and you have to be ready to NOT get the answers we want. So if you’re not ready to possibly be told no, it’s ok to play it a little safe and keep your cards a little closer to your chest for now. 

In that case, my best advice is to do some investigative reporting. Or in simple terms, find out more about him. Have I ever mentioned Spyce’s rule of Casz (casual)? I have employed this tactic many a time if I want to find out if a hottie is interested without being my bold-as-f*ck self and just reaching down to give his balls a squeeze. Instead I just play it cool and act like I’m just being friendly. You just casually converse with him about all kinds of topics, especially the romantic ones. Find out about his past relationships and what’s created him to be in the space where he is now. Learn all that you can about him, and if he asks if you are asking because you like him, just say, “Eew no!”. That will stop him dead in his tracks! 

But seriously, just focus on getting on getting to know him more, and when you do, if he likes you, it will naturally come out, and you will be able to discern what he’s feeling by his responses. In the meantime, you will learn more about him so you can determine if he is even the best partner for you, or if you want to just remain friends that chat at the water cooler. 

Love,

Spyce 


Dear Spyce,

I have been dating this man for the past 8 months, and while I really like him, there are some major life incompatibilities and I just don’t see us working out for the long term. I know we have to break up, but it feels really difficult to end something when everything is relatively good. I also really like him as a person and cherish him as a friend, so I don’t want there to be hard feelings.

Can you help?

Sincerely,

Just not The One

Hi JNTO,

What a tough situation! It’s so difficult when you like someone, but you just don’t like, like them … well not like that! But it is what it is. After all, a person may be truly wonderful, an excellent friend, a fantastic lover even, but there could still be much missing that means that they won’t work as a romantic partner. Take it from someone who has a history of staying in meh situations for too long. If you know that this is not for you, there’s no point in dragging the relationship out. 

Didn’t you ever hear the expression, “Life is too short for bad dick?” 

Maybe it was something else, but I do know that life is short, and spending your time with the wrong person is not only blocking you from finding the right person, but it’s also blocking them! 

I mean, I’m sure you’re the bee’s knees dahling, but who wants to be with someone who isn’t into them. No one wants to be a pity fuck, amirite? You never know, dude might be thinking the same thing!  

Drop that ass, and then both of you are free to find your number one choices. This is truly the most caring thing that you can do. Dragging out a relationship where you don’t see somebody as THE ONE is basically a bag of dicks for all involved. 

Be proud of yourself for realizing this and looking to make a change before things really get bad. That’s the worst. This way, you can still hopefully be friends and you won’t end up as resentful parents or old people throwing things at the TV. 

As Rob Schneider said, “You can DO EET!” and I truly believe you can. And you and your soon to be ex will be that much better for it! 

Love,

Spyce




Advice with Spyce: Two readers dealing with two types of distance

Hi Spyce, 

So I went on a date with this guy and it went really well. Throughout the date he was very complimentary, affectionate and expressed many times how into me he was. We talked about how we were both not looking for something casual, and he talked about how much fun it would be for me to join him on a trip he was planning in a few months. This rarely happens, and I left the date feeling super hopeful about a possible legit connection with him.

I was very excited to see him again, but on our second date he had obviously pulled back — still good vibes and a fun date, but it was definitely not the same. 

I wanted to address it head on, but when I expressed my disappointment he replied that he believed pulling back was the right thing to do. He said he didn’t want to move too fast, but he wanted to really get to know me better, and was “flattered” that I had been so excited to see him again and keep moving forward.

What is up with this? I don’t understand why we would move backward on purpose. Am I being gaslit?

Sincerely, 

Extinguished Firestarter

Dear EF (not to be confused with ET)

First off let me say, congrats on meeting someone that you feel so in tune with! You are not alone in your circumstance of this kind of immediate connection feeling unique, and it can definitely be exciting and heady to experience it. AND, it can be scary, and make you doubt if it’s real, which may be what he is doing. 

What is he doing by pulling back does not seem like a tactic to me, but rather a pragmatic dose of reality. Many of us have patterns where we want to jump into something from the word go without really even knowing the person beyond a fantasy we have about them. Like really and truly, what all do you actually know about this guy? Not very much from one date, no matter how amazing it was. To just jump into being together so quickly is not only unhealthy, it’s unsustainable, unrealistic, and a good way to ruin something that has a lot of potential.

Also to be honest, that level of impulsivity is not a good look. To be so willing to dive into the deep end with a dude that you’ve been on one date with is actually kinda desperate looking. Sorry/Not sorry but you don’t want to be “that girl” who has so little going on in her life that she can be so swept away by some charming dude on one date that she is willing to throw her all at it. 

So no, chica, you’re not being gaslit. You’re being tempered by what sounds like a really smart man who is mature enough to know that love and connection takes time, and if you don’t take the time to build that, it’s going to fall flat the first time one of you metaphorically farts and disrupts your image of the other. 

My advice, slow your roll! Savor getting to know this new human. If he is truly the one, then you have the rest of your life to be with him. And that’s pretty damn exciting!

Good luck and the opposite of godspeed,

Spyce 

Hello Spyce,

I’ve been single for a while and feeling pretty lonely. I recently joined a new dating app and wasn’t getting much traction until I matched with B. We have a lot in common and he seems really great, but he is over 200 miles away! I’m not even sure how this happened because my settings only go up to a 20 mile range! 

I’m wondering if I should even pursue this as I don’t know how it’s ever going to work. But I’ve had so little luck around here that I don’t want to give up so easily. 

What should I do? 

Sleepless in Someplace Too Far Away

Hi Sleepless,

It’s always something, isn’t it? Finding the perfect person, at the perfect time can feel like looking for a straight needle in a gay haystack. It’s hard, and NOT in the way that we want it to be! 

That being said, nothing in life comes easy, and there can be so many bumps in the road on the way to romantic fulfillment. If distance is the only thing keeping you apart, maybe it’s not such an insurmountable hurdle? I mean, I’m a gypsy so I may be biased, but in my mind, what’s a little travel among friends and lovers? 

Because here’s the thing sister, there could be benefits to dating someone not exactly in your world. 

For one thing, it can help with boundaries. That’s right! Distance helps you to be balanced with the relationship, something that’s difficult to do when you first really like someone. I don’t know for sure about you, but if you have the normal human traits and conditioning, you likely want to rush into love, too. It’s fun, right? And it feels good. So why wouldn’t you?

 It can be easy to spend way too much time with someone and get very attached before you truly know much about who they actually are. Having some distance is healthy when getting to know someone new, so having them be a few hours away could help with keeping up healthy boundaries. 

Also having a lover in another place is exotic, and pretty exciting. You could even treat it like a vacation, a respite from the worries of daily life. I love getting away from my normal routine and going on small road trips, and getting out of town with a lover sounds sexy as all get out. Speaking of that, nothing makes things steamier than a good old fashioned build up of anticipation, and with that, the chemistry and heat. If you’ve got someone you’re willing to drive 200 miles for, then you better be having something ah-mazing at the end of the drive. And if you do have that, then wowza, girlfriend! You’ve got it good!

But if you find that absence makes the downstairs wander, then you will know that much sooner if it’s not worth it and you won’t have to worry about running into them in town if things go south. Win-win! 

So if you really like this person and you’re enjoying your experience with them, I see no reason to not at least continue getting to know them. Life is short and you never know what happen. A little geographic challenge haven’t stopped many people from having true love, so I think this thing could have promise. 

Rooting for you!

Spyce 




Advice with Spyce: How was your weekend?

Hey Spyce, 

So what is up with this approach as an opening line when first interacting with someone on dating apps:

“How is your weekend?” or “What are you getting into tonight?”

I have been super single and recently got on the dating apps. I finally matched with someone and his first message was the first above question. I was a bit turned off, but decided to give him a chance. However after the next exchange, he asked about my weekend again!

I guess some folks just don’t know what to say? I don’t know, it just seems super weird to me. 

Signed,

Turned Off Not On

Hi TONO,

I’ve got to admit, this is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine, too! It reminds me of when you go to Trader Joe’s (and it must be something in their employee handbook because I’ve had this happen to me at TJ’s ALL across the country for years) and they try to make casual conversation with you while checking you out. 

“So, what are you doing this weekend?” the fresh-faced young man will ask me as he’s bagging my bottles of wine (back when I was a lush).
“Oh, just two or three young men who look like you. What are you doing after work?” I’d retort (back when I would eat young men like candy for breakfast).

I say this, because what I really want to say is, NONE of your GD business! After all, I don’t know you. Why should I tell you what the hell I’m doing this weekend? Because you know what, maybe it’s nothing. Or maybe it is a sex party, or a bevy of young men coming over for a gangbang. But either way, that is information that you’re not privy to until we know each other, capisce? 

To be fair, I think most men don’t have any clue how to start a conversation with someone online, and they think that this is innocuous enough to begin an interaction, and who knows, maybe it is? Maybe I’m just a bitch who wants more from the world than it can ever possibly give me. That’s likely true in and of itself, but at the same time, people need to dig deep sometimes and get to the real juice of the matter, instead of just relying on casual conversation as a way to get their foot in the door. 

In this situation, I’d suggest one of two things. One would be to just not answer and move on. Two, which is what I’d normally do since I’m a ballbuster, would be to do like what I did to blush the sweet cheeks of the young man at the checkout counter and tell him something really raunchy and naughty. And then see how he responds…either way, you may get a good story out of it!

Hi Spyce,

Recently I met a guy online who I really hit it off with. We were talking and video chatting and there was a lot of flirtation, chemistry and attraction. I felt like I could be really honest with him, so when he asked me how many people I’d slept with, I didn’t hesitate and told him. He got silent, and then when I asked him how many people he’d slept with, he said five, which was much lower than my number. We logged off soon after that and while we are still talking, things have been kind of weird. He hasn’t brought it up again, but he also hasn’t really been that flirty.

What do you think? Was it really just my number that scared him away?

Sincerely,
Numbers Game Gal 

Hi Ms. Numbers,

Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that happened! Boys can be sooooo dumb, amirite? In my days of cardinal cavorting, I racked up quite the roster as well, and while at one point it really did a number on me, haha, eventually I learned to love my numeral niceness, and I stopped giving a rat’s ass about where exactly I landed on the table of tallies. 

Because in reality, what IS the correct amount of experiences that a proper young lady should have, and when exactly does she cross the line into the dirty slut territory? In my mind, it’s never. As long as you’re having a good experience and you’re doing what you want in a way that’s happy and healthy for you, you can fuck someone new everyday for all I care. 

But I think what actually happens in a man’s brain when he hears a number and it’s much higher than his is not that it turns him off, but it makes me feel inferior and afraid. However will he compete with all of the men who have cum before him? Will he be able to satisfy you and live up to the incredible oodles of porn star sex that you’ve had in your past? After all, all he’s done has been his first girlfriend, that girl he had a summer fling with, the neighbor at his apartment complex and that was just a friends with benefits, just one very drunken one night stand in college, and then his long time girlfriend who left him because he wasn’t able to satisfy her sexually. That’s a crazy cross to bear when you’ve just met a new hottie and you want to impress her. 

The real question is why do men even want to know at all if they are not going to like our answers? 

Here’s the thing: I am blunt as all get out and highly believe in addressing any issue head on, especially in a new relationship. So I would just ask him how he felt about that and try to get a true answer out of him. How he responds will inform you if he’s someone that is worth adding another number to your list for!




Advice with Spyce: What’s a poor single to do on Valentine’s Day?

Spyyyyyyyyccccccceeeeee!!!!!!!

It’s Valentine’s day and I’m single!!!!! It’s that stupid age old question: What do I do???? 

Signed,

OMFG VDAY

You poor soul! 

It’s difficult to be exactly what they say you shouldn’t be on a day that’s created exactly for everything you’re not. It’s really messed up! 

The most messed up part of it is the fact that we’ve been taught to believe this as fact. We’ve been handed over this silly burden by society. Coercing  us into believing that the only real way to celebrate Valentine’s Day is by celebrating being in a romantic relationship. And if you’re not in one, then you can’t (and don’t deserve to) celebrate Valentine’s Day. When that is absolutely not true! 

Even if we are not partnered, we can still celebrate love. And Valentine’s Day is all about love. Or so we think. 

Actually it’s based on the ancient Roman holiday of Lupercalia, which was more of a place to find love than to be bringing it with you. Luperpalooza was basically a two-day sex festival where people would draw names from a hat to meet their date, and there was even a “fertility ritual” that involved lining up to get whipped with hides of freshly sacrificed animals. Those Romans! Reminds me of some of the kinky fun I’ve had! 

But there’s a lot of pressure on all of us all year around. Holidays, birthdays, Zoom parties, oh my! And it feels bad when something happening is a reminder of the things you don’t have, especially when you want it. Even if most of our FOMO has been tempered in the pandemic, it still is shitty when you feel out of the loop on something. 

So it’s a good time just to celebrate love and connection. It doesn’t have to be with a romantic partner. It can be with dear friends, far away family, or even an activity or inanimate object. 

For example, have a socially distanced picnic with your friends and tell each other three things that you love about each other. Connect via Zoom with your beloved people in other places. Play the “tell them love” game with them too. 

What’s an activity you love? Hiking, yoga, Netflix? Do it! And when it comes to your love for an inanimate object, there’s always food! Delightful, delicious grub. And … then there’s that other thing you were pretty sure I was referring to when I said inanimate object. Because I was and now I really am. 

All the years that I did parties for VDay, it was so that we could all celebrate love and connection. I have rarely spent Valentine’s Day just with a partner. The few times I did, the lines were long and the food was overpriced. It’s a big moneymaker, but it’s really come far from the Roman fuckfest it once was. So just do you. In every way. Like the Digital Underground said in the early ’90s: doowutchyalike, tonight’s your night.

Yeah! 

Dear Spyce,

What do you think about posting ages on dating profiles? I’m a very attractive 48-year-old woman who always gets mistaken for younger. I find that men in their 30s can keep up with me better than men in their 40s and 50s. I’ve tried putting my age as 10 years younger, and I’ve found some nice matches. However, if I put my real age, men my age or older is all that I get! I’m not trying to rob the cradle, but I do want to be compatible. 

Do you think it’s ok for me to lie about my age on my profile? 

Lying for Love (or maybe Lust!)

Dear Lovely Liar,

This is an interesting one as I’m of more than one mind with it, which is not a ridiculous statement being that as a double Gemini I often see both sides of the story … but I digress in the very first line. 

Because yes folks, it’s one of those kinds of nights. The kind of night where I wish I had a young man, full of pulsing energy, to make me feel full with it, too. I feel you, sister, on that! 

Certainly older men would say the same about younger women, which not everyone likes, but it’s true. It’s true as humans. We all like people who make us remember a time, a feeling, a past experience when all was right in the world. At the end of the day, nostalgia is a powerful aphrodisiac, and as you mentioned, compatibility is important too. 

So that being said, I fully support you in finding a scrumptious fledgling to get you juiced up. I’m here for it. 

What I am disputing, however, are your methods. Not because of the “lie,” though. Hey, I’ve done that, too. When I was “on the apps” (who am I kidding, I’m Gen X and proud. Our stinkin’ online dating was not a swipe right scenario), I would use what I called a “general age.” If time is just a construct, so is age. If I had focused too much on age, I wouldn’t have had so much fun over the years celebrating my 16 times two birthday, and the 18th anniversary of my 20th birthday.

 While it’s true that the thing that I think you are doing wrong in this situation is lying, it’s only because you think you need to do it at all. 

Here’s the thing: As a hot and sexy 48-year-old woman, you are the absolute fantasy of a guy 10 years your junior. There’s no way that you have to lie to get this young buck to like you! As a matter of fact, telling the truth will only pull your dream dude closer, easier. 

To many, well basically to any, sane red-blooded (and possibly even other blood colors, I don’t know all the blood colors. Sheesh! I may be Jewish but I’m not a Doc-TAH!) there is nothing more sexy than an older and wiser woman, especially one who is secure in who she is, confident to ask for what she wants, and shows up fully to everything in her life, wrinkles and all. 

If you don’t want to connect with the older men, filter them out! Or give them a chance. You never know if you might find someone your age who is like you and can keep up. And if you want to stick with the more juvenile set, go right ahead. No shame in that game! 

They may have filtered you out of their searches, but there’s nothing to stop you from finding them! If they say you’re too old, move on to the next. After all, there’s a new one being born every day. Good luck! 




Pandemic Dating: Working on yourself and disclosing underemployment

Dear Spyce, 

I have recently come out of a toxic relationship and while I know it is for the best that we split up, I am so lonely. All my friends are coupled up and with this never-ending quarantine, it feels like I’ll never see anyone ever again! In non-corona times I’d go out and join groups to meet new people but I can’t do that anymore. I want to spend some time healing from my past relationship, but I sometimes fear that I will never meet anyone else. What can I do during this time to help me feel okay? 

Sad Butt True

Aw Sad Butt…

It’s such trying times, and I feel you! As humans we are literally hardwired for connection, and it’s unnatural to be alone all the time, month after month, with just Netflix and “The Queen’s Gambit.” Especially if you’re the kind of person who is used to having a vibrant social circle, it can be really tough right now to be on your own. While this past year has felt like forever, this too shall pass. But I’d be blowing some smoke up that ass if I didn’t come correct to the fact that unfortunately it may be longer than you’d like before you can go out and do normal activities like spending time with friends or going to meetups with other recently single folks looking for hot booty time distraction. 

But the good news is that the time and space that you need for healing in this next phase of your one wild and free life, is here! And being that you literally can’t do much of anything else, you are now forced to hone in on the most important person in your life. You! 

Us humans are such dummies. We always have this idea that our value is wrapped up in other people. Who we are as a significant other, best friend, favorite sibling, wonderful daughter, productive employee. We spend so much time in life trying to impress everyone around us, and we should be trying to impress that gorgeous creature in the mirror who we wake up with everyday. The good news is that right now, there is no one to impress, no one to really try to care about, beyond that pretty bitch in the mirror. So now is the best time to look inward and see what it is that you really want and how you can move forward.

If you want to meet someone and not be alone forever, I’m here to tell you, all that and more is within your grasp. But here’s what you’ve gotta do. You need to dig deep, and come to face to face with exactly where things went wrong in your last relationship. Not in a blaming way, but in a curious way, an inquisitive way. And then slap yourself and say, “I’m never doing that again!”

So often we know from the beginning when we meet some broke-ass fuck-boi how things will end up, but for a variety of inane reasons, we go against our best instincts and reach for it anyway. Take the dirty toy and stick it in our mouths, even though we know that it’s gonna give us mouth sores. Usually because the sex is good, or because they feel familiar (trauma attracts trauma) or a myriad of other excuses that we use when we know that we are stepping into a pile of really prettily wrapped dogshit.

So now you are at a crossroads, and you have a real opportunity to do all that fun and exciting deep inner shadow work so when you do find the next person (because you will, I assure you that you will not be alone forever), you won’t get involved in another crappy relationship that will end in a toxic situation. So to me, it sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for you to be a busy little beaver with no time for anything else. 

But you’re lonely. I get it. And we can’t spend ALL our time reading the Good Girl’s Guide to How to be a Bad Ass Lady. So here are a couple of ideas for what to do in all that luscious downtime.

All those things you enjoy doing that you couldn’t do in that nasty relationship? Do those! Use being single as a time to do exactly what the hell you want, ALL the freakin time! Set unrealistic goals and who cares if you meet them? No one is there to judge you! The thing that your ex really hated to do that you loved? Do it! The food they hated that you love? Eat the shit out of it every single day! 

The most important relationship that you can have is the relationship is the relationship you have with yourself. So plan date nights for yourself each week and focus on building that inner stamina and self love. 

Besides that, there are many people who are in the same boat, and they are all meeting online. Join Facebook groups, attend an online event or class, let your friends know that you need support. 

This is precious time, and while I know that we are all over it, at some point we will be missing all these months when all we had to do was focus on the important things in life, instead of the daily distractions of our normal existences. 

******************

Hey Spyce,

I have been talking to someone for about a month and we have a first date/walk this weekend. I was laid off from my job recently and am already in school working to advance my career for the next job I take. Should I disclose that I’m technically unemployed if work comes up in conversation? Date knows about school, but not that I was laid off. Maybe I am overthinking this?

Funderemployed For Now

Hey Fun4N,

Ok, so just to be clear, you, my dear, are not special. I mean, maybe your mom would say that you always had this cute way of scrunching your nose up, but the fact of the matter is, being unemployed in 2020 is really no big whoop. The fact that you held a job months into the pandemic actually says a lot about you! A good 25% of the country (and probably my math isn’t even as drastic as it should be) has become underemployed this year, and is it any of their faults? I highly freakin doubt it. 

And you, ambitious you, are already out there being a scholastic bad-ass and trying to better yourself the moment the door hit you on the way out of your last place of employment. If that’s not pretty darn determined, I don’t know what the hell is! 

So not only is there no shame in your game, but there should be some pride in that wide smile of yours when you tell this fool that despite all the insanity of this past year, you are still pulling yourself up by those snazzy bootstraps and you are bettering yourself on the reg. 

Now of course, maybe this entire boring subject won’t come up, and if it doesn’t, I wouldn’t say that you’re under any obligation to offer up the details of your miserable sad sack status, but if it does, honesty is always the best policy. As I’ve said before in dating, it’s always best to be forthcoming about the things that make you you, because you want to be with someone who’s going to accept and support you, skinny legs and all (and if you don’t get that reference, you’re an illiterate bastard, or maybe just a Gen Z kid).

And let me just say, if dude judges, or wants to bounce, that’s on dude. That kind of negative response would show a lack of basic empathy and understanding of the reality that many are facing during these incredibly difficult economic times. If someone doesn’t understand that, their head is so far up their ass that they must be one of the world’s greatest shitheads. Hardship and discomfort is part of life, especially in COVID times. Someone’s reaction to hardship, especially when it isn’t their problem, is a good way to determine if they are someone that you want to spend time with, or if you’d rather tell them, “You’re Fired!”




Advice with Spyce: Filtering on dating apps and avoiding red flags

Hi Spyce,

I find that I get overwhelmed really quickly on dating apps, so I’m looking for tips on filtering people out. On the one hand, I feel like I can’t tell much from people’s profiles, and unless there’s a red flag or one of the few things that are a hard no for me, I’m inclined to give almost everyone a chance. But there are just so many people out there, I feel like I could waste a lot of time! Can you give some tips on how to filter? For example, do you swipe “no” on most profiles and only match with a few people, or do you swipe “yes” on most people and then filter people out through conversations?

OVER IT

Dear Over,

So as a former party girl/slutty goddess, I can tell you what techniques worked for me, AND as a lifelong sexpert, I can tell you what techniques I’ve seen work for others. 

Me, I’m a moody bitch, so it really depends on what I’m feeling like that day, and let’s be real, maybe what time of the month it is! On certain occasions they may all look super fine, and other times … well they all are a quick swipe left. But with all else being fair, I am more of a fan of having too many options than too few, so I usually swipe first and ask questions later. I’m sure you know this, but if you’re new to online dating maybe you don’t, but matching with someone does not mean that you have to actually have a conversation, go on a date, suck an appendage or get married, so I’d rather have a bunch of eggs in my basket for when I do want to play ball, or make an omelette. Because when that time comes that I’m raring to go, I know I can just dip into my pool of matches and send out the inquiries. 

But for some people, and maybe for you, having all those matches just out there sitting around waiting is like having clutter in your bedroom. And while I don’t mind a pile of clothes in the corner for months on end, it drives my husband crazy! I’m sure others feel the same way, so here’s another technique if you’re more inclined to the minimalist matching approach.

Thoroughly read through someone’s profile and only swipe right on them if they have at least most of the things that you’re looking for. Get really clear on your deal breakers and red flags, and don’t compromise. I have a whole bunch of red flags that I could share, but that’s another column. 

Once you match with someone great, message them right away and start a conversation. If they don’t respond within a day or two, write them off and move on to the next one. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I mean, if they are too busy to have the dating app open at all times, are they really that available for dating? Maybe not. 

Seriously though, I think my way is best. But it does require a thick skin and a high tolerance for tons of matches that you may never actually talk to. And, you gotta be super duper good with boundaries and cutting people off if you’re not interested. 

To be fair, occasionally I fantasize about going into my accounts and just messaging everyone to let them know that now is their chance and they better step up or be unmatched, but that sounds like way too much time, and in all reality, I really should be cleaning my clothes out of the corner of my bedroom, or dealing with the 200k unread emails in my gmail account. 

But if you have time for that, I adhere to the age-old adage that “Life is like a basket of matches,” or eggs, or balls, or whatever you prefer to keep in there, and the more you have, the more choices there are when you really just need to let loose. 

Dear Spyce,

So I recently met up with this guy on a first date. We went to a restaurant with outdoor seating and had some food. Afterward, he asked if I wanted a drink and I declined. He then left to go to the bathroom, and when he came back, he’d brought me a drink, saying that he was getting one for himself so just got one for me too. I felt bad so drank it, but then felt a little turned off after that. When I told him I had an early day the next day, he kept pushing me to stay out just a little longer, and even got a little sulky about it. Eventually I left, but now he wants to go out again and I just don’t know. We had some fun conversations, but I feel like he was a bit too pushy. I don’t know if I’m just being too picky? People have told me that I can be too uptight, but I think it’s important for me to not settle. What do you think?

Signed,

Is It Me?

Hi Me,

No, it’s NOT you! Absolutely not! Now I may be reading into this too much, but that’s my job so here goes. Run, block, ignore, don’t go out with him again! There are a few things in his behaviour that are serious red flags, and if acting like a damn baby on a first date was right as rain for him, obviously his crappy conduct is just going to get worse. 

It’s always important to pay very close attention to the way that someone handles your first no. Because that will set a blueprint for how they are going to handle every other single no from there on out. 

It sounds like this whackadoodle is trying to hide his domineering control issues under a nice guy exterior. I mean hey, what’s wrong with offering the lady a drink, right? And what’s wrong with bringing her a drink after she’s told you that she doesn’t want one? That’s just called being nice, isn’t it? No dude. If someone tells you that they don’t want something and you essentially force it on them anyway, that’s not called nice. That’s called non-consent. And while consensual non-consent can be hot as hell (more on that if Advice with Spyce ever wanders more into the kink territory), this is not that. 

Now some could argue that you could have said no, but you already did say no, so why the eff should you have to say it again? When someone shows you who they are, pay close attention, and here is an early example of someone who may have a pattern of disrespecting your wishes, and on a deeper level, may even be creepily assessing you to determine if you will be the kind of person who will stand up for herself, or how much you will be willing to let him get away with. By drinking the drink, or staying out later, or giving in when he sulks, he’s learning that with some persistence and a pouty attitude, he can turn your no into a yes, or at least an “I guess so,” And that my dear, is the slippery slope to Dating a Narcissist! 

If you want to attract a healthy relationship, you have to be willing to speak your mind, and that means sticking to your no, even when it’s uncomfortable, or you’re concerned about how it will make you seem to the other person. Even if it’s only a drink, a ride, a hug, a handshake or a smile, no means no. That concept doesn’t make you uptight or picky, it makes you wise and powerful, the perfect combination for a successful dating experience. 




Dating Do’s and Don’ts: How to be successful at online dating. And, should she kiss her friend?

Hey Spyce,

So I’m a single guy who hasn’t been single in many years, and so I’m just now trying my hand at online dating. Back when I was single before, I would just meet women at bars, parties or through friends. This online thing, though, is no joke! I need to figure out how to get women to talk to me without coming off like a jerk just trying to get laid. I really am a nice guy and I would like a meaningful relationship. Can you give me some pointers? 

Non Douche Dater 

Dear Non Douche,

I will admit, I do not envy the male dilemma when it comes to online dating, or dating in general. Not that I’m a strict hetero, not at all, but the stereotypes that men and women buy into when it comes to dating can be at best very tiring for the male species. Not that it’s a cakewalk for women either, and that’s why I hope that I can be of service to all you lovely people out there “wookin po nub.” And if you don’t get that reference, you were probably born too late for any of the real good stuff. But I digress. 

Here are some pointers for a poor old nice guy, on how to approach women online.

For one, do not start a conversation with “what’s up” and then leave it hanging. That just makes you look dumb. On the other hand, writing too long of a response will always come off as a copy and paste. Let’s be real, it’s a numbers game to some extent, and so a little control+C can be helpful for all that bait you’ve gotta throw out to catch a live one, but you do need to make sure there is something personally specific in there to each woman so that she knows that you actually read her profile and aren’t just spreading your syllables to all the ladies in the land. 

When it comes to what exactly personal to hone in on, best to steer clear of making any comments about someone’s physical appearance in the first few messages. If you’re contacting a woman, it’s obvious that you think she’s pretty, or has a sexy smile, or beautiful eyes. When I was a little girl, people like my grandparents’ friends would always ask me, “Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?” Being a child I didn’t know that it was a rhetorical question (and being the brutally honest person I became I don’t think it would have mattered anyway,) so I would always reply with a resounding yes. Because the truth was that I had been told how pretty I was, and I’m sure the internet hotties have heard that before as well. Listen mate, you don’t want to be that guy, Captain Obvious, who goes for the easy answer. You want to be Mr. Unique, who comes up with something out of the ordinary that shows that you are interested in her for more than just her bodacious brown eyes (eyes, I did say plural! Sheesh!).

Do read her profile and see what she is passionate about, then message her something related to that passion for hiking or photography. Keep the conversation going. Make sure there is a question in each message that she can respond to. Say a few things about yourself, but make sure that they are on topic with what you’re talking about. 

And let me just say a word about pictures, because as they say, a picture can say a thousand words, or something like that. So for god’s sake, please don’t post pics of you with your kids, your friend’s kids, your sibling’s kids, just no kids, it’s creepy! No one wants to see kids on dating sites. Especially not in today’s crazy world. Shirtless pics are also a no no, unless you are just looking to get laid. Then it’s a tell-tale sign that you are DTF. But if you’re like most of the guys who brag about it, you suck. So either way, it’s not a good look. If you’re truly looking for a nice girl to complement your good guy status, make sure that you have pics of yourself doing fun things, and pose with a goddamn dog or something. 

Just being real, and human, and using the same conversational skills that you might use in person can really go a long way. With any luck, you’ll be back to non-single status in no time! 

Dear Spyce,

I have a friend, let’s call him Ted. Ted and I originally met at work, but then when he moved on to another job, we kept in touch and still hung out often. He’s always my wing man and everytime we go out, he will pay for everything. He brings me little gifts and we talk and text every day. I know he hasn’t had a girlfriend for a long time, and I have been trying to stay single since I have a habit of getting into relationships, but I’m starting to wonder if he likes me as more than a friend, and what I should do about it. I really like spending time with him, but I don’t want to make it awkward if he doesn’t feel that way, or it doesn’t work out. What should I do?

Friends or More Than

Dear More Than,

Well…I think Ted likes you as more than a friend, but what do I know? I’m just an expert on love, relationships and human nature! But to me, it seems pretty freaking obvi. If I could put an emoji in there, I’d be rolling my eyes! 

Unless Ted is a gay man (and maybe he is and you’re his beard), he is into you. Because it sounds like he treats you like you’re his girlfriend, in every way except for the sex part. And I have a feeling that Ted wouldn’t kick you out of bed if you jumped into it with him. 

So what it really comes down to is you. You say that you easily get into relationships so it would be important to ask yourself these hard questions. 

Is this guy really compatible for you as a partner, or are you just used to being with someone, and you don’t like being alone? Do you just want someone in that role, so if you find someone that’s nice and willing, its easy to allow them to fulfill that for you? 

You say you really care about Ted as a friend. If that’s the case, it would be important to determine how you are truly feeling so that you don’t hurt him and ruin the friendship in the process. Going from friends to lovers is easy. Going from friends to lovers and back to friends can be much more difficult, especially if someone is in Ted’s position and they haven’t had that level of intimacy in their life for a while. If you decided that you weren’t down for the romance after you crossed that bridge, the downgrade of the friendship (as that’s what it would feel like) would be a very difficult pill for him to swallow, and you could not be surprised if that was the end of your pal Ted. 

Could it work out that you fall madly in love, get married and have babies? Sure. Is it a guarantee? Never. Is it highly likely? Well…I don’t know if I’d say that either. Typically there is a reason that someone is just a friend, and even if you try to change the dynamic out of loneliness, horniness or what have you, it may not be as easily mutable as you’d like it to be. So that’s why I recommend some deep soul searching before you switch from pals to playmates. You can never take back a kiss, so you want to be very clear what your intentions are before you swim in the deep end. 

Hope it works out for you guys!