So I’m a single guy who hasn’t been single in many years, and so I’m just now trying my hand at online dating. Back when I was single before, I would just meet women at bars, parties or through friends. This online thing, though, is no joke! I need to figure out how to get women to talk to me without coming off like a jerk just trying to get laid. I really am a nice guy and I would like a meaningful relationship. Can you give me some pointers?
Non Douche Dater
Dear Non Douche,
I will admit, I do not envy the male dilemma when it comes to online dating, or dating in general. Not that I’m a strict hetero, not at all, but the stereotypes that men and women buy into when it comes to dating can be at best very tiring for the male species. Not that it’s a cakewalk for women either, and that’s why I hope that I can be of service to all you lovely people out there “wookin po nub.” And if you don’t get that reference, you were probably born too late for any of the real good stuff. But I digress.
Here are some pointers for a poor old nice guy, on how to approach women online.
For one, do not start a conversation with “what’s up” and then leave it hanging. That just makes you look dumb. On the other hand, writing too long of a response will always come off as a copy and paste. Let’s be real, it’s a numbers game to some extent, and so a little control+C can be helpful for all that bait you’ve gotta throw out to catch a live one, but you do need to make sure there is something personally specific in there to each woman so that she knows that you actually read her profile and aren’t just spreading your syllables to all the ladies in the land.
When it comes to what exactly personal to hone in on, best to steer clear of making any comments about someone’s physical appearance in the first few messages. If you’re contacting a woman, it’s obvious that you think she’s pretty, or has a sexy smile, or beautiful eyes. When I was a little girl, people like my grandparents’ friends would always ask me, “Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?” Being a child I didn’t know that it was a rhetorical question (and being the brutally honest person I became I don’t think it would have mattered anyway,) so I would always reply with a resounding yes. Because the truth was that I had been told how pretty I was, and I’m sure the internet hotties have heard that before as well. Listen mate, you don’t want to be that guy, Captain Obvious, who goes for the easy answer. You want to be Mr. Unique, who comes up with something out of the ordinary that shows that you are interested in her for more than just her bodacious brown eyes (eyes, I did say plural! Sheesh!).
Do read her profile and see what she is passionate about, then message her something related to that passion for hiking or photography. Keep the conversation going. Make sure there is a question in each message that she can respond to. Say a few things about yourself, but make sure that they are on topic with what you’re talking about.
And let me just say a word about pictures, because as they say, a picture can say a thousand words, or something like that. So for god’s sake, please don’t post pics of you with your kids, your friend’s kids, your sibling’s kids, just no kids, it’s creepy! No one wants to see kids on dating sites. Especially not in today’s crazy world. Shirtless pics are also a no no, unless you are just looking to get laid. Then it’s a tell-tale sign that you are DTF. But if you’re like most of the guys who brag about it, you suck. So either way, it’s not a good look. If you’re truly looking for a nice girl to complement your good guy status, make sure that you have pics of yourself doing fun things, and pose with a goddamn dog or something.
Just being real, and human, and using the same conversational skills that you might use in person can really go a long way. With any luck, you’ll be back to non-single status in no time!
I have a friend, let’s call him Ted. Ted and I originally met at work, but then when he moved on to another job, we kept in touch and still hung out often. He’s always my wing man and everytime we go out, he will pay for everything. He brings me little gifts and we talk and text every day. I know he hasn’t had a girlfriend for a long time, and I have been trying to stay single since I have a habit of getting into relationships, but I’m starting to wonder if he likes me as more than a friend, and what I should do about it. I really like spending time with him, but I don’t want to make it awkward if he doesn’t feel that way, or it doesn’t work out. What should I do?
Friends or More Than
Dear More Than,
Well…I think Ted likes you as more than a friend, but what do I know? I’m just an expert on love, relationships and human nature! But to me, it seems pretty freaking obvi. If I could put an emoji in there, I’d be rolling my eyes!
Unless Ted is a gay man (and maybe he is and you’re his beard), he is into you. Because it sounds like he treats you like you’re his girlfriend, in every way except for the sex part. And I have a feeling that Ted wouldn’t kick you out of bed if you jumped into it with him.
So what it really comes down to is you. You say that you easily get into relationships so it would be important to ask yourself these hard questions.
Is this guy really compatible for you as a partner, or are you just used to being with someone, and you don’t like being alone? Do you just want someone in that role, so if you find someone that’s nice and willing, its easy to allow them to fulfill that for you?
You say you really care about Ted as a friend. If that’s the case, it would be important to determine how you are truly feeling so that you don’t hurt him and ruin the friendship in the process. Going from friends to lovers is easy. Going from friends to lovers and back to friends can be much more difficult, especially if someone is in Ted’s position and they haven’t had that level of intimacy in their life for a while. If you decided that you weren’t down for the romance after you crossed that bridge, the downgrade of the friendship (as that’s what it would feel like) would be a very difficult pill for him to swallow, and you could not be surprised if that was the end of your pal Ted.
Could it work out that you fall madly in love, get married and have babies? Sure. Is it a guarantee? Never. Is it highly likely? Well…I don’t know if I’d say that either. Typically there is a reason that someone is just a friend, and even if you try to change the dynamic out of loneliness, horniness or what have you, it may not be as easily mutable as you’d like it to be. So that’s why I recommend some deep soul searching before you switch from pals to playmates. You can never take back a kiss, so you want to be very clear what your intentions are before you swim in the deep end.
Hope it works out for you guys!