Advice from the Trenches: Netflix and Nil

Dear C;

During the holidays, I had a falling out with a friend.

Let me start by saying that I have my own issues. I was touched inappropriately as a child, with no say in the matter. Physical intimacy has never been a casual thing for me. When I was younger, I sometimes let guys talk me into bed when I didn’t want to, and it always ended badly. After some therapy, I realized how important it was for me to set, and keep, my own boundaries.

I met Steve when I worked with him on a project at a museum. He really knew his stuff and was a respected figure in the community. We got to be friends. At first, I think he hoped for something more, but I never saw him as anything but a friend and he accepted that. We both enjoyed having someone to go to art shows and events with. We both talked about our past and some of the problems in it, and I thought we had a real understanding. He told me about his failed marriage and feelings of loneliness. I confided in him about my own issues with childhood abuse. I wanted him to understand why touching was a problem, so that he wouldn’t take it personally.

This year, we went to a couple of holiday events; everything seemed fine. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Steve came up with: “Let’s rent a holiday movie and cuddle up together under a blanket.” I felt a reflexive sense of dread, but he was my friend, so I tried to be a tactful. I said, “Oh, my days as a stuffed animal are over,” and told him that I just wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I thought he’d remember the things I’d confided to him and back off, but that’s when the whining started. He said, “I can’t imagine being in a position where one doesn’t like being touched. Maybe it’s just me you don’t like being touched by.” What the hell! I couldn’t believe he’d brought it up the first place after everything I’d told him. His persistence was the last straw. I got pretty upset. At that, he abruptly shut down and ran off, saying something about his own survival. I tried to make him understand how I felt, but all he did was snivel and say that he didn’t deserve to be treated like a leper. He’s acting like I’m the bad guy and he’s the victim!

I’m so put off by his behavior that I feel it may be time to end the friendship. I’d thought he was a capable adult and he’s acting more like a 5-year-old. But I felt sad for him; he spent the holidays alone in his apartment, in a dark depression. I hate to see him like this. Obviously, he needs help. I feel like there must be something I can do.

Concerned Karen

Dear Karen;

Haven’t you already done enough? You’ve ruined the poor man!

Sorry. I couldn’t resist. But that’s what he’s hoping you will feel. It’s called a guilt trip, my dear, and Steve is trying to send you on one. Don’t be so willing to go.

First, don’t ever mistake a person’s emotional age by their job status. It’s easy to play a role at work, but when the mask comes off, you will find a lot of adults are emotional children. Guys in general can be idiots when it comes to feelings. However, being an idiot is one thing, and being a manipulative asshole is another. Stop blaming yourself. Steve knew your boundaries and why you had them. He should have known better. That scenario he imagined on the couch? That’s straight out of an abused child’s hellish past. A considerate friend wouldn’t have pushed the point, and certainly wouldn’t have cast you as the villain when you wouldn’t give in.

I’m guessing Steve has his own issues. He probably saw your kindness and friendship as a sign he had a chance. Perhaps his past rejections have traumatized him the same way inappropriate touching did you. I can sympathize, but it’s not your problem.You were honest with him. He should have been honest with you. I suspect that he never stopped wanting something more from you and was just biding his time, hoping you’d change your mind. When he made his move and you said no, he was devastated.

I know you want to be helpful, but it’s a bad idea to go after Steve and try to fix this. If he really wants a relationship, and you just want to be friends, that’s something that can’t be fixed. There’s nothing lonelier than being with someone you want, who doesn’t want you.