Satire

Squid’s Ink: Our Funny Valentines

St. Valentine was beaten to death and decapitated on February 14, so it’s no surprise that our hackers found some interesting gifts when we hacked the Hallmark Delivery Database…

  • Despite hiring her replacement, Governor Dan McKee sent former RI Department of Health Director Dr. Nicole Alexander-Scott a “Baby Come Back” strip-o-gram! The order specified that a “non-gender-specific terpsichorean” wear a K-95 mask while crooning:
    All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado (false bravado)
    Tryna keep up a smile that hides a tear (hides a tear)
    But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feeling again
    How I wish to God that you were here
  • The Rhode Island Squid Shuckers Association sent Dan McKee a jar of marinara and a jar of hot peppers to encourage the “Calamari Comeback.”
  • Former President Donald Trump and the Right Wing Wackjob… er Republican Party sent soon-to-be-former Representative Jim Langevin a dozen red roses as a thank you for declaring his un-candidacy. 
  • Now that he’s running for Congress, Seth Magaziner sent bouquets of forget-me-nots to the remaining Democratic candidates for governor. These were  accompanied by an audio message from Nelson of The Simpsons saying, “Ha ha!”
  • Nellie Gorbea replied by sending Seth a box of Sweenor’s chocolates with bites taken out of each.
  • The Rhode Island Auto Body Industry thanked Senate President Dominick J. Ruggerio and House Speaker K. Joseph Shekarchi for overriding the veto of legislation opposed by auto insurers by sending wreaths of roses in the shape of a dented fender with the note, “Thanks for bumping up our profits!”
  • The COVID-19 Virus sent Antivaxxers little candy valentine hearts with the words, “Be Mine”

Baby Come Back lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management, Bluewater Music Corp., Crowleyhouse Music

image_pdfimage_print