Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Something For the ‘Utes, Right Wing Pledge and Billary

A ‘Utes Guide to P&J 

Phillipe and Jorge have learned that some of our discerning and loyal younger readers are somewhat vague about the origins of the column and references within same to such places as Casa Diablo. (Which is understandable, given the fact that many weren’t even born when the column came out of P&J’s typewriters and the closet in its Little Rhody debut in 1980.) So here’s a quick primer for today’s ‘utes.

The idea for the column was born in the backroom of the late, legendary and lamented Leo’s bar on Chestnut Street in Providence, fueled by voluminous quantities of neck oil. It was inspired by Alexander Cockburn’s then “Press Clips” column in the Village Voice, R. Couri Hays’ flamboyant (as they say) gossip in the National Enquirer, and the satirical English satire magazine, Private Eye, which continues to take no prisoners in commenting upon politics, the media and society. It was called “Phillipe and Jorge” to indicate that actually two (Rudy Cheeks and Chip Young) great but deeply troubled minds were behind it.

Figuring that P&J would be a pair of professional wiseasses who planned to irritate almost everyone and anyone, the duo took on the personae of gay young men fond of Pernod and grapefruit cocktails, at a time when demonstrating “superior behavior” was generally and sadly a good way to get your ass kicked and harassed in “Our Little Towne,” i.e., Providence. P&J’s home is the Little Rhody Shangri-La of Casa Diablo, replete with the wild party site, the Boom-Boom Room, and a staff of exotic cabana boys, butlers and French maids (well, OK, young men dressed in French maids outfits, to be precise).

The column debuted in the now-defunct Providence Eagle 35 years ago, and has now appeared consecutively for three and a half decades in at least four other publications (including our beloved Motif), as well as having various diversions into TV and radio on the side. As it was the first column to publicly and loudly twit and embarrass political leaders and media bastions such as the mighty Providence Journal, P&J found our fulltime “real life” employers receiving phone calls by head honchos at The Urinal (ProJo) and the state house demanding that we be fired.  (Fortunately, our bosses politely responded that what we did in our own time was none of their business, which to their credit was well-heard by the callers as a tacit, “Go fuck yourself if you can’t take a joke.”)

Perhaps one of our most popular features over the years was when Phillipe & Jorge created nicknames for public figures (former Governors Ed DiPrete and Bruce Sundlun were “The Gerber Babe” and “Captain Blowhard,” respectively, former House Speaker Joe DeAngelis was “The Prince of Darkness,” etc.). Some of these sobriquets were picked up by the rest of the media, some were not, but it certainly opened the door for others to try their hand at creating their own nicknames.

Phillipe and Jorge won’t apologize for our weird and cryptic allusions to cult classic movies like Planet Nine from Outer Space (“That proves it,” in other words a totally ridiculous claim, being the iconic line) or entertainers like Esquerita, the Puerto Rican Little Richard, who made Mr. Penniman look restrained. We see them as learning moments, so just Google those up, children. P&J is meant to expose and celebrate both absurdity and stupidity, and here in Little Rhody we have the motherlode of both. We hope we continue to meet those expectations and warrant your support. That proves it, as it were.

The Little Rascals Right

One of the highlights of the GOP presidential candidates’ campaign has got to be the National Republican Committee’s genius idea for everyone in this parade of imbeciles to sign a pledge that they will not run for president as a third party candidate should they lose the Republican primary.

Sign a pledge? What is this, elementary school?!? It reminds Phillipe and Jorge of the level of thinking that has young boys building a fort with a big “No Gurlz Allowed!” sign on it. (Oh, that’s right, the GOP already has that Fortress of Ignorance and Misogyny built quite solidly.)

This is almost like a Little Rascals skit, with Spanky Trump, Alfalfa Bush, Buckwheat Carson and Darla Fiorina promising they would be friends “forever and ever until they died,” and fight the biggest bully in the neighborhood if they had to to protect another member of their special little tribe, and included a special secret pinky finger handshake that only they would use.

This blatantly idiotic and immature pledge idea seems to be a favorite of the right wing and their conservative style of brainwashing through public pronouncements. Grover Nordquist, the little twit who founded the Americans for Tax Reform, has bullied GOP candidates (read: threatened to withhold financial support) in the past by making them sign his “Taxpayer Protection Pledge,” saying they would not raise taxes if elected. And the religious right, to whom Republican candidates kowtow at the drop of a hat, have come up with any number of pledges and public commitments by youths to vow they would not have sex before they were married, including chastity rings, because abstinence is the only way to ensure safe sex. (Flawed results of that genius idea can be seen on MTV’s witheringly depressing and humiliating “Teen Mom” show.)

And what happens if you break the pledge? Well, listen mister, all the other candidates will point at you and flap their hands in the air while screeching, “He broke the pledge! He broke the pledge!” until they are blue in the face. Shaming someone into crying is obviously the ultimate goal for these morons. And if that’s the case, we suggest GOP House Speaker John Boehner be targeted.

The Wrong Argument

If you ever forget your password to any secure computer or account, you know what to do, correct? Call the FBI or NSA, because they have them all. Along with German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s.

Personal privacy has long since vanished, no matter who you are, which makes the uproar over Billary Clinton using a private server to conduct State Department business fairly disingenuous. There was doubtless nothing gleaned from her emails that the British, Israelis, Russians and Chinese don’t already know.

But the problem, as always, was her irritating and off-putting sense that she doesn’t need to play by the same rules that we all do. Her ongoing sense of scorn and entitlement that bubbles up in her face and body language anytime anyone dares challenge the Pantsuit Queen reveals an imperious view of the huddled masses. That is why she is such an unappealing campaigner and is almost begging to have someone challenge her mass media-stoked coronation as the Democratic nominee for 2016.

Speaking of Joe Biden, his recent performance on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” was touching and human (a trait the robotic Hillary might try to acquire), as he and Colbert talked about families and loss, and got into Biden’s relationship with Barack Obama as being #2 to a larger-than-life, more popular partner. What came out of it, to P&J’S mind, is that there is a vast difference between willingly taking a back seat to a larger personality to serve other people, and grudgingly doing so to serve yourself, assuming that it is just a price to pay before the royal cloak eventually becomes yours if you put in your time and keep your mouth shut.

We’ll let you figure out where Biden and Billary fit into those roles.