AltFacts: Big Happenings in Little Rhody: Perhaps willy freeing is a new summer trend

Saving People Money (So They Can Shoot Better)

We’ve all been there. Coming home from a long day at work, only a couple of hours before bed, but you still need to stock up on firearms so you can shoot the shit out of the minorities, immigrants, teachers and children threatening the integrity of this great nation. But fear not white supremacist hero, defender of the race, for there is an answer, and it comes out of Fayetteville, Arkansas. Yes, Walmart is one of the largest vendors of guns and ammunition on the planet, and its commitment to keeping everyone armed and paranoid is on par with the NRA. Last week, following three separate incidences of gun violence in Ohio, California and Texas, Walmart stuck to their guns in the face of radical leftist pressure to restrict sales of firearms and proceeded like nothing had happened in the first place. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Alt-Facts, an anonymous source at the top of the Walmart ladder revealed that  
the chain would instead attack the real villian fueling the crisis (Rockstar Entertainment et. al.) by ending the display of violent video games at all stores across their empire. Accordingly — in Walmart at least — firearms can continue to remain in the safe hands of the Second Amendment, its bearers unshaken by the endless  
pattering of leftist hysteria. However, the date the big WM plans to start selling Sherman Tanks and small nuclear weaponry to the citizens of Cleburne County, Alabama, has not, at time of print, been announced. 

Whale of a Time

Navy veteran and all-around hero, Walter Wasowski of Middletown, recently came to the rescue of a whale that was trapped off the coast of Rockport, Mass. Spotting the distressed animal during a leisurely cruise, Wasowski promptly contacted the Marine Animal Entanglement Response team from the Center for Coastal Studies in Provincetown to lend a hand. In a process known as “unzipping,” willy freeing is a tricky procedure, with some in the business calling it just plain hard. But free the trapped monster they did, and after a pregnant pause, the beast plunged back into the depths. Why Mr. Wasowski was in Massachuestts in the first place, and not his native RI where we all belong, is still under investigation.

X Marks the Spot

Governor Gina “Hairspray” Raimondo recently announced that non-binary individuals (nothing to do computer code) will be able to have an X on their driving license to designate their gender identity. In what has been heralded as a step forward in freedom of sexual expression, the new law will come into place within the year and will be rolled out across the state. What this means for the X-Men series, however, is yet to be determined.

Record Breakers

Rumor has it that the Squad (Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Ayanna Pressley and Rashida Tlaib) will be releasing a hip-hop album around Halloween. Featuring guest performances from Bernie “Beatbox” Sanders and Elizabeth “B-Boy” Warren, The Fall will focus on removing all the dying, orange leaves from the trees of Washington, gathering them into a pile and composting the remnants at a facility in Maryland. Whether there is some deeper analogy to this is, as far as we can tell, simply a coincidence. 

It’s All in the Name

Sad news! Controversially named aquatic megabusiness, Water Wizz of Westerly, announced last week that they are closing their doors for good at the end of the season. According to sources close to the top, the closure comes after visitor numbers began to plummet following a change in urban slang. A motion was tabled to see the park renamed to Semen and Urine in order to bring it more in line with the lingo of today’s youth, but this, unfortunately, was defeated at the last minute.