AltFacts: Whatta Peach! The newspaper cowboy envisions a post-impeachment world and makes a few other summer predictions

Impeachment Predictions

At the time of writing, Democrats are scrambling for any modicum of evidence to suggest that Donald Trump is worthy of impeachment. While this is the summer guide and whatever we discuss here in relation to the president will be staler than a duck’s fart come August, let’s make some predictions on where the impeachment train will be by September. Act one will see Nancy Pelosi using candy to bribe Donald Trump Jr. to gain access his father’s personal books. Once there, Pelosi will discover that far from being in collusion with Russia, Trump doesn’t actually have anything. The whole thing is built on whispers and promises, from Trump Tower all the way down to the Trump branded pens at Trump Hotels. Act two. When it is revealed that what the president has been so jealously protecting has been his own nothingness, the whole world will fall apart when everyone suddenly realizes that everything is built on pretense and supposition. Even Facebook. Chaos will ensue. People burning $100 bills for kicks, orangutans occupying the Oval Office (not politically, just there, doing orangutany stuff amid the trees that grew from the rubble). And among it all, in a golden glow given off by all the flames from everything that’s on fire everywhere, the country’s final president will bask in his ultimate glory, having brought utter disaster to the entire universe. The end.

Generation Netflix

So, you’re surprised that the inbred blonde lady with the dragon fetish and an insane father went crazy? Got it. And none of those subtle clues gave it away? Right. But even then, you’re signing petitions to get the storyline changed, even though you’re also defenders of artistic expression. Got it … don’t think there’s anything else to say here, really.

A Brand-New World

Taco Bell has upped the brand loyalty game this summer by opening its very own hotel (actually). Not to be outdone, rival fast food slingers have been rolling out their own wacky concepts. Pizza Hut will be opening a brothel. Named Slut Hut, patrons can expect extra cheese and sausage on every surface. Meanwhile, executives under the Golden Arches will be opening an assisted living facility called Old McDonald’s Retirement Farm (with dementia here, and…). Last but not least, Burger King will embrace gender neutrality through its latest venture, Burger Drag Queens … now with extra buns.

Sweet Womb Alabama

The world is in uproar now that Alabama has gone ahead and made abortions illegal. But let’s stand back for a second and figure out why. Alabama loves guns, right? Alabama ALSO loves sending people to the electric chair, especially if they are black. And their favorite pastime of all? Combining the two! Killing minorities is great fun, but you can’t enjoy this rite of passage if they have a way to abort future Black Lives Matter victims while still in the womb. Context people, context!

Oh Gully!

Gina has gone and done it again. Her latest brilliant idea sees seagulls banned from the state’s public beaches for the duration of the summer months. But the move has been met with outcry. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Motif, leader of the Seagulls Against Gross Genus Injustice (SAGGI), Chip Steeler, had this to say: “It’s sad that seagulls still face discrimination in 2019. It is a fundamental seagull right to be able to patrol the beaches of Rhode Island, shitting in ice creams and eating fries as we have always done. This is discrimination, pure and simple.” Steeler also commented that, “There are even some members of the human community who identify as seagulls. Does Ms. Raimondo plan to restrict their right to freedom of expression, too?” The debate rages on.