April Holidays, Ranked

Image by AlicePopkorn

This is it, folks. My final holidays piece. It’s the piece you’ve all been waiting for.

    This is obviously the worst holiday of April. Everyone’s on edge. All news is fake (or more fake, depending on whom you talk to). No one can be believed. It’s terrible.
    Unless, naturally, you belong to a niche group of people who love this holiday and plan elaborate jokes on your friends. If planned well, these can be cool, but you’d better have a cupcake for them at the end or something. There’s also a lot of bad jokes out there: I saw a listicle of April Fools’ jokes that suggested I tape a sign on my door that says “this house is infested with bugs” to trick my friends and neighbors. Ha ha ha. Hysterical.
    Just don’t do anything that is going to jeopardize your friendship, or anyone’s health, or both. I’m just saying, if I bite into an Oreo that’s actually toothpaste or something, I’m gonna both stop being your friend and karate chop someone.
    Easter is an interesting holiday. Jesus was buried on Friday, and rose again on Sunday. But isn’t the saying, “On the third day he rose again”? By my math, that’s the second day of being dead.
    There’s also a few other questions I have. If Jesus died for our sins, can we sin as much as we want? Is it like an all-you-can-sin buffet? Jesus died about 2,000 years ago – did he die for the people at that time’s sins, or for all future sins committed? And why am I commemorating this by eating fistfuls of Oy? That last one I have an answer for – it’s a tradition.
    Seriously though – not sure how bunnies and duckies and painting eggs became the way to celebrate Easter. The internet says the rabbit was a symbol of a pagan goddess of fertility and somehow the two symbols got crossed. Crazy that I’ve never really stopped and thought about how weird that is, until now.
    Earth Day!! Wooo! Love Earth Day. Whenever someone complains about Richard Nixon, I tell them about his two redeeming qualities: One, he was reelected by one of the largest majorities in modern history, at the time; and two, he helped establish Earth Day as a national event! So the next time someone tells you Tricky Dick was a crook, remind them of his environmental legacy.
    After you’re done defending Nixon, look around for some great organizations doing environmental cleanups. Cozy Rhody Litter Clean-up (@cozyrhody), Clean Ocean Access (@cleanoceanaccess), and Save the Bay (@savethebayri) are all awesome local environmental organizations that do cleanups regularly, and I’m sure they could use the help. Make it a day of action!
  4. 401 GIVES: MARCH 31 – APRIL 3
    401 Gives is a fun, special holiday in Rhode Island, and I’m probably kind of a nerd for liking it so much but I’m just glad it exists. It’s usually just on April 1 (hence the fun play on our area code, 4/01), but it fell on a weekend this year so they’re opening it up to more days.
    Basically, United Way of RI lets any nonprofit in the state join this massive online fundraising campaign. It’s cool to see all of these nonprofits cheering each other on, because I traditionally think of fundraising as competitive – and it’s fun to see everyone get creative and team up to raise some bucks for important missions throughout the state. Learn more at 401gives.org.
    WalletHub regularly ranks RI as one of the least philanthropic states in the country, so this is a good way to turn this around. On that note, though, I feel like Buddy Cianci may have pissed in someone’s cereal at WalletHub because they always rank us the worst in everything. What have we done to you, WalletHub??
  5. 4/20: APRIL 20
    C’mon, guys. It’s the cannabis edition. Of course the best holiday in April is 4/20.
    While the connection between 420 and weed is slightly mysterious (it’s not the number of the cannabis offense in the penal code like I thought it was), I was surprised to learn that Providence native HP Lovecraft is credited for the earliest 420 connection to marijuana – check out this quote from his story, “In the Walls of Eryx,” where he describes his encounter with a plant:
    “…Gradually the dancing lights began to disappear, and the shimmering spectral scenery began to assume the aspect of solidity. When I did get wholly clear I looked at my watch and was astonished to find that the time was only 4:20. Though eternities had seemed to pass, the whole experience could have consumed little more than a half-hour.”
    This is how you know HP didn’t smoke a lot, because stoners know that time passes faster when you’re high, not slower (so I’ve heard). Maybe if he had smoked the ganja a little more he would have been less racist. Who knows.