Author: Cathren Housley

Dear C and Dr. B;

I work on an assembly line. It’s a hard, brainless job but I believe in the “whistle while you work philosophy.” Why be miserable, right? But not everyone there shares my thinking. George, the guy next to me, is miserable. And he seems to want to spread his misery to everyone around him. He is downright hateful, constantly saying awful demeaning things. The crap that comes out of his mouth is racist and bigoted, with no respect for anyone. He complains all night long. I try to ignore him, but it is really wearing, day after day. It’s hard to whistle when the guy next you seethes and fumes and whines and grumbles. What can I say to this guy to get him to ease off?              

Eric Burdened   

Dr. B says: People are artists and words are the paint they use. Unfortunately, you have to live in the world you paint. This guy is basically just thinking out loud, but the picture he paints is bleak and desolate. There is probably not much you can say to him without making things worse. Possibly subtle manipulation could have an effect – like wearing a T shirt that says: “Words are the paint and you have to live in the world you create with them,“ or “Negativity is like a black hole sucking out all the light around you.“ Or perhaps, “You might not be able to control your world but you can control your reaction to it”

You can also ask the manager to change your station. You can wear ear plugs or get a note from your doctor saying you need to wear earbuds to help your focus, if it wouldn’t endanger you to have music on. 

C says: Are you trying to get poor Eric killed, Dr. B? Nothing enrages an already angry guy like smug, passive digs from someone cheerful. Honestly, even I would want to smack someone who did that. It implies that you know better, and the other person is an ignorant asshole who needs to learn from someone more enlightened.

My recommendation to Eric? Just get the hell out of Dodge. There are plenty of hard brainless jobs out there, especially now, and if you happen to be planted next to some guy who is poisoning the very air you breathe with negativity, it is up to you to get to a better place. You are NOT going to change him. 

If your boss is a sympathetic type, you can bring up this problem to him, but I’ve seen this backfire. I once complained about a fellow worker who chain smoked right next to me – this was before they passed laws against it. The person found out and actually slashed one of my tires. If this dude discovers you ratted him out, you will become a target for the seething anger he is yearning to spew.

In his book The Fourth Way, P.D. Ouspensky had the right idea. He believed that we were all human machines of a certain type, and it is wise to figure out who is what. He said, “If you know someone is a Hitting Machine, and you go near him and get hit … well, what did you expect? He’s a Hitting Machine!”

So – the guy next to you is a Racist Bigoted Spewing Machine. If he keeps spewing all over you … well, what did you expect? Use your brain, dude! 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B;

My husband thinks I am making too much out of this, but I am worried. My daughter Sophie has been affected by the pandemic like all of us. But now, I am sensing something deeper is going on with her. 

I used to have to tell Sophie to stop talking on Zoom or texting her friends. Now, I have to rouse her from another nap, or tear her away from staring at one of her devices like a zombie. I haven’t heard her talking to her friends in a while, I’m not sure when that stopped.

Initially during the lock down, she was openly upset, which I could deal with. But now she seems to be holding it all in. She’s irritable whenever I ask her a question or try to make pleasant conversation. I haven’t seen her smile in weeks. Now that school is out, and things are opening up more, instead of making plans to go out, she just stays in her room. 

My husband says, “She’s a teenager, Mary, they’re all like that. Leave her alone, she’s fine.” But I’ve read that teen suicides have risen a lot in the last year. When is it time to “interfere?” 

Mary Contrary

Dr. B says: Take this seriously! One of the things that can help prevent suicide is feeling that you are not alone, and the pandemic, for many, has greatly increased our sense of isolation. Another help in suicide prevention is a sense of connection with the future – and current events in our culture have taken that tie to the future away from all of us. In the news, we are barraged with global warming, COVID variants and constant police and/or terrorist killings. There can be a feeling that there is no future. Social media seems to normalize and even encourage suicide. A CDC survey in June 2020 found that one in four teenagers has had suicidal thoughts.

I would look into a day program for Sophie and initiate a counselor as soon as possible. Trust your instincts. As a parent, you know your teen better than anybody else! If it seems that the situation may be serious, seek help. Break a confidence if necessary, in order to save a life.

If you think your child may be suicidal, use the resources below to get free help, 24/7:

https://www.crisistextline.org/ National Crisis Text Line: Text “ALOHA” to 741741

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-SUICIDE

https://www.facebook.com/800273talk/ National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

For more info: https://www.ksbe.edu/article/pandemic-causes-uptick-in-suicide-rate-among-teens/ 

In case of an emergency, call 911.

C says: Please consider this – getting early help is CRUCIAL. I’ve seen what can happen if a teen is taken to a hospital as an ER entry. Hospitals are so overcrowded that a patient can literally spend days in a makeshift “ward” in a hallway, waiting for a bed. And psych wards aren’t a place of constant therapy and meaningful talk. There is always medication, and there are always long hours of staring into space. It is not a good place to try to recover the will to live. So do whatever you can to keep Sophie from reaching a point where hospitalization is necessary in order to prevent her from harming herself.

And remember: No one who is on the verge of suicide is going to be chatty. Teens especially are not easy to help – they will have already expended that option in their own minds. So it is up to you to gently persist in being there for your daughter. If she has closed her door, open it. Do not take any of this personally or get hysterical at her reactions. This isn’t about you.

If you are mistaken, and she is not suicidal, you have still done something important. You have shown her that she can trust you with her life, even when she pushes you away. That in itself can give her second thoughts if ever she is thinking.

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B;

I am a waitress in a very busy high-end restaurant. The government seems to be saying the pandemic is over and a lot of people are tossing their masks – but I read the news, and I know that with the new highly contagious variants, the danger is far from over.  

I hear a lot of my customers talking to each other about how they are not vaccinating.  They have all kinds of reasons from Bill Gates microchips to “It is my right!” OK, fine. I guess they have the right to get sick because of their denial and misinformation, but MY issue lies with my boss. He wants all of the wait staff to ditch our masks. Why? He feels it’s off-putting to his clients for me to be wearing one.  He says customers have even complained, because it interferes with their hearing me. Maybe that is true ­– but so what? 

These people, through their craziness, expose me and subsequently my whole family. Yes I have been vaccinated but a vaccination just means I won’t end up in the ICU or hospitalized. It does not mean I can’t get COVID. I feel it is my right to continue to wear a mask forever if I want to, but my boss threatened to fire me. I need the money to pay mounting bills and the tips are good here, except for a few vindictive anti-maskers, but that is not the majority. I face daily anxiety having to come into this situation, and my boss is completely against me. I don’t know what to do!  –Woeful Wendy

C says: I researched this online, and discovered that it is OSHA, and not your boss, who has the final say on workplace safety. OSHA standards cover pandemic-related safety risks, and under the Occupational Safety and Health Act’s general duty clause, “All employers must provide a­­ work environment that is free from recognized hazards that are causing or are likely to cause death or serious physical harm.” There are COVID-19-specific guidelines still in place for limiting workers’ exposure to the coronavirus. OSHA still recommends that employees wear masks and makes it clear that social distancing is not a substitute for mask wearing.

You might tell your bonehead boss that if any COVID cases develop at his place of business, the first questions asked will be about safety measures in place to protect both patrons and employees. If OSHA is told that you were not allowed to wear a mask because your employee decided that sucking up to a few customers was more important than public health, they’ll shut him down. Period.

In the meantime, Rhode Island is still providing pandemic unemployment benefits and if you are concerned about the safety of your workplace, this in itself qualifies you to collect in full. If I were you, I’d tell all of this to your boss. If he still insists on risking your health, I’d tell him to go to hell. The judges at unemployment court have no patience for employers like yours.

Dr. B says:  Working at a business where the bosses don’t back up their workers can be like having to go to Hell every day. I feel  for you. You are 100% in the right. Americans are  crazy. Mask wearing and vaccinating are about being aware of other people not just yourself. We have rules for driving so as to limit your chance of killing anyone else on the road. COVID safety measures are there for the same reason – to limit your chances of killing someone else. Unfortunately, in this day and age in the USA, there is little recognition of, or respect for, anyone besides oneself. That is why it is so dangerous to drive now – no one is paying attention to anyone else.   

It is ironic that although Americans are very big on “I know my rights,” a crucial issue such as your right to protect yourself and others is one that may be much more difficult to enforce.

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

 Dear C and Dr. B;

My friend Cynthia just shocked the hell out of me by announcing that she was going to a shooting range to learn how to fire both a pistol and a rifle. She has always told me that she totally against guns and she has also posted many remarks on her blog about how women end up committing suicide with the guns they bought to protect themselves, and how domestic violence becomes fatal whenever there’s a gun involved. She has shared my horror over the number of mass shootings there have been in the US this year.

I can’t believe she is going to go to a shooting range and I’m so upset I can’t even talk to her about it. Why would she do that?

Annie Oakley

Dr. B says: Have you shot a gun? It’s a rush, it is fun – like driving a go cart fast instead of being on the highway. It’s a safe controlled environment to do something that could otherwise be dangerous.

Nothing wrong with a range – NO animals hurt at a range. I say, good for her. It feels empowering too. There is a huge difference between taking a gun class at a range, and standing with a semi-automatic at a QAnon rally.   

Lighten up and take the class with her! I’ll bet you would enjoy it. Just remember to have good ear protection. 

C says: Lighten up? No questions asked? I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Annie. Yes, shooting is a rush, and ever so much fun, but that is scarcely the only reason that an anti-guns advocate would suddenly want to take up arms. Sure, your friend could just be looking for a new thrill; or something else entirely could have happened to prompt her sudden turn-about. Here’s some other possibilities to consider:

• Your friend may have recently experienced something that made her feel unsafe. I used to teach self defense to women and before I took anyone into the classes, I asked them the reason for their interest. Their motives ranged from self-empowerment to a healthy awareness of the very real dangers any of us could face. The women that raised a red flag were those told me: “this f__ker broke into my house/ attacked me/ hurt me really bad, and I want to be ready next time.” The motive here is a pent-up, waiting rage that could explode in any direction if triggered by the wrong move. When I came across women like this, I told them they needed not just self-defense techniques, but also therapy to process the trauma in a healthy way. I wouldn’t sell such a woman a gun either.

• Your friend may be infiltrating the ranks of gun advocates in order to learn everything she can about the people who thrive on them, and about the mechanisms of the guns themselves. Quite honestly, I think that anyone who rallies against a cause without knowing anything about it is standing on very shaky ground. She could actually still be pursuing her anti-gun mission and gathering information in order to further arm herself in a debate.

• Have you noticed the sheer number of public mass shootings there have been in this country in recent months? People are unexpectedly going nuts out of nowhere and shooting each other. It’s unprecedented, which means unpredictable. You said that you never would have anticipated your friend would get into guns, so…just sayin’. 

Of course, there’s also the possibility that your friend has a crush on a guy who goes to a shooting range, and is simply looking for any opportunity she can get to hang out with him. The route to a gun enthusiast’s heart is through his rifle – nothing more ego boosting than teaching the little lady how to shoot.

These are just a few of the other reasons I can think of other than fun, fun, fun, that a woman would suddenly buy a gun. My point is, any sudden change in behavior is something that warrants a conversation as to why. You haven’t asked, Annie, so you don’t know. I suggest you ask. 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B;

My grandmother is 76 now, which means she grew up back in the days when men were the masters of the house and a woman’s main job in life was to please them. But listen to this story about her wedding night! I really want to know what you think!

After a big church wedding and all the customary traditions, Granny put her own twist on the marital bedroom. She brought a bottle of Crazy Glue with her and told her newly wed husband: 

If you are ever tempted to disrespect me or violate our vows, I just want you to know that I have this bottle of Crazy Glue and it is ALWAYS going to be in this drawer.” It was a somewhat vague warning, but I think Grandpa got the message because they were married for 65 years and there was never a hint of trouble between them.

It seems a little hostile to me – does this really seem like a good way to start a marriage? I’m looking at Granny in a whole new light.

Dr. B says: I have a poster in my office that says “Be Nice but Take No Shit.” Your grandma optimized this philosophy, which I find really commendable as it was not the norm 65 years ago. My ex said something similar to me. She showed me a pair of scissors and said she would cut off my balls in my sleep if I ever deserved it. That is not why she is my ex. In fact I support the idea that in a patriarchal society all women should do something like your granny did. 

In the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, there is a Ketubah, which is essentially a marriage contract. It lists the consequences should the marriage not work out, including large monetary fines for the man. Studies show that not only are marital outcomes better if there is a stake in the game, but additionally, people behave better if they feel they are being watched. 

Too often, men in our culture are not held accountable for their actions. Your Grandma is a good role model. Be like her instead of the chopped down sacrificial giving tree that is our cultural model. 

C says: While I can commend Dr. B for his support of female empowerment, and I fully support the idea of a pre-nup, I have to point out that there are a HUGE number of ways in which Granny’s strategy of establishing a standing threat could backfire. I’ll give you a few:

1. We are assuming that the bride is in full control of her faculties and does not have a history of PTSD from male abuse. If she does, we could find ourselves in a position where the police are called and a body bag is brought in. Why? Because people who have been abused do not always interpret circumstances accurately – they can imagine a threat or an insult where none is present. Let’s say that a woman, we’ll call her Diana, was betrayed and then seriously abused in the past. Let’s add suppressed rage and a desire for vengeance to the mix. Now, let’s give Diana too much to drink at a party. She looks across the room and catches another inebriated woman draping herself all over her husband. Diana misses the part where he disgustedly pushes her off, because she has already stormed out. When the guy gets home there’s a good chance Diana will exact a punishment that he does not deserve. What if she pulls out the scissors first and asks questions later? Sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to cut it off. Can we sew it back on? 

2. Granny’s tactic assumes a posture of distrust from the get-go. If a basic trust hasn’t been established between two people, and they feel that dire punishment must be suspended over their partner’s head in order to ensure fidelity, then THAT is a problem right there. Either you trust someone or you don’t. If you don’t, then for god’s sake, don’t commit to spend the rest of your life with them!

3. We are also assuming that the bride herself is worthy of trust. What if she is the one who ends up cheating? Does this mean that the husband just deserved what he got? Sorry, not fair. That’s what pre-nups, and the Ketubah, are for – everyone gets what they agreed to deserve.

I hope that Granny was otherwise an honorable woman who  treated others as she hopes they would treat her. If she wasn’t, then let’s just say that she was one conniving bitch who was years ahead of her time.   

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B;

My daughter Hannah got on her high horse at her high school about another student wearing a Hamsa religious symbol. She said that it was a cultural appropriation and that it was inappropriate for the other student to wear it because she was of a white non-Jewish race. Actually, Hannah was wrong about the origin of the symbol – yes, it is a Jewish symbol, but it is also shared by Muslims and Christians because it dates back to Middle Ages superstition. Anyway, I told Hannah I thought she was rude, and wrong and should apologize. Hannah refused.   

She got so upset over the whole thing! But what bothered me the most was that it wasn’t even based on historic fact. She got her version of the story from a Google search she did on Jewish artifacts. 

She’s also on a rant about not supporting Israel’s abuse of Palestinians, but I think no American has a right to sit in judgement here because Americans treated Native Americans even worse. I just found out the national park service massacred entire tribes in order to create some of the parks and ejected many others who had been living In the area.

I feel I need to have a talk with her, but I’m not sure what to say – she honestly believes she’s on the side of justice with these opinions.    

Stable Mom

Dr. B says: This is a big question that could be approached from more than one angle. For the purpose of the conversation with your daughter, I would point out that she is in high school for a reason. Teachers stress the importance of sourcing information for a paper, and this matters in the real world too. The opinions expressed without reliable references and sources can have volatile world consequences and do more damage than good. Many of the problems in America right now stem from information bombardment that lacks accuracy or truth.  People are dying from the conflicts these inaccuracies cause – mass shootings, a storming of the Capitol and anti-vaccine conspiracy theories are just a few. Ask your daughter if she wants to be part of the problem, or part of the solution. High school might be more meaningful if she can see that the information skills she is getting really matter.   

If she wants to see some examples of reliable news sources, direct her to NPR radio broadcasts and educational reference sources such as Google Scholar. And this quip I saw the other day is something else to consider ­– “If you can be offended, you can also be manipulated.” Emotion isn’t data.  

C says: Here’s something you might say to your daughter in regard to cultural appropriation – she is guilty herself of appropriation. She is assuming the role of a wise and informed adult who is in a position to intelligently judge others, when in fact, she is just another emotionally immature adolescent who mouths off without really knowing what she is talking about because she has jumped onto someone else’s bandwagon. If Hannah had bothered to Google search the actual origin of the Hamsa, she would have known better. She probably got her story from Facebook, which is not exactly a source known for its unbiased accuracy.

Hannah probably won’t listen to you because you are, after all, just her stupid mother and she is, after all, a fully mature adult who is wise and informed and capable of judging others. At least she thinks so. Therefore, why don’t you tell her that I, an impartial stranger who has over 50 years of experience on her, has a message: You, Hannah, have made yourself the fool in this equation. What a truly mature, wise, and well-informed adult does after discovering they have made a mistake and insulted someone else out of ignorance is APOLOGIZE. Get with the program, kid. Do your research, or next time – keep your mouth shut.

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B;

Ten years ago, I was part of the music and performance culture; that’s where I met Penny. She was from a wealthy family, spoiled, and saw the world as her personal stage, but she was actually very talented, which was why I started to collaborate with her ­– I felt flattered she wanted to work with me.  At first, we were BFF’s and did some performances together. But after my divorce, things fell apart.

Penny had been wanting to explore some gay sexual fantasies for a while and she decided I would be her new toy. When I told her I just couldn’t get involved right now, she shocked me by announcing that she couldn’t be friends with me if I wouldn’t play sex games with her. Her reasoning? She didn’t want to deal with the frustration being around something she wanted and couldn’t have. When people asked why we’d stopped working together, she actually told everyone that I’d made advances on her and she had to turn me down. The experience was so hurtful I haven’t spoken to her since.

I now write for a theater magazine, and they asked me to review a two person show coming up. I’d just met one of the two performers and had liked her, so I agreed. But when I got the show info and saw who the other person was, I freaked – it was Penny. I can scarcely be impartial, so I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to review the show. My dilemma is about the other woman. I already told her I’d do the review. She is friends with Penny and this is crap from the past – I don’t even want to go there. What do I do now? – Debbie Deadline 

Dr. B says: Is there any benefit to confronting old traumas? I would better recommend confronting your future. What is your goal and objective? What type of person do you want to be? What kind of situation do you want to be finding yourself in? You need to practice the sort of behavior that will lead to that, and the type of people you choose to include in your life is a part of that. Penny sounds like bad news. Her type of erratic and self-serving behavior doesn’t often change. I would agree with staying far away. 

Professionally, you have to make a choice according to Issues and imperfections at both ends and this is something only you can decide. If it was 1970 would you refuse a job with Harvey Weinstein knowing his reputation – when he’s your best way into the business? You know the possible consequence, is it worth it? Do you say no, choose another field, or carry birth control? This is the kind of choice people certainly had to make then. What will you choose? 

C says: The choice you have to make now has nothing to do with Harvey Weinstein or the #MeToo movement. It has to do with professional tact. 

Of course you can’t write the review! It would be like representing someone in court who broke all the windows in your house. But there’s no possible threat to you here. If anything, you are in the power position now. If you were a vengeful person, this would be the perfect opportunity to make Penny eat her own liver ­– just write a review that makes her look like a pathetic wannabe who should hang it up! But I don’t recommend it. Reviewers with poison pens tend to die by their own hand. 

Unless you want to make a career out of being the critic everyone hates, it is always best not to burn any of your bridges, certainly not out of PTSD issues from the past. Here’s what I would do – tell that other woman that your editor decided to give the assignment to another writer, but you made sure that the other journalist knew that this show deserved special attention. You don’t owe her anything, you just met her. 

Let sleeping dogs lie. If you wake them up, chances are, they’ll only bite you again.

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B;

I’m caught in the middle of someone else’s love triangle and don’t know what to do.

Kendra and I have shared an apartment 5 years. Neither of us have a steady relationship, but we both date. She’s a real hottie, but she is respectfully hands off when it comes to the guys I bring home, so there have never been any conflicts or misunderstandings – until this recent shit hit the fan.

Last month, I started dating this guy, Paul, who is really nice. We have a lot in common – we’d rather play pool than video games, we like foreign films, and we are both psych majors – I want to be a therapist and he wants to teach.

Two weeks ago, his sister Moira came for a visit and he asked if she could come over for dinner – she was going to be staying with him for a while and didn’t know anybody here. So I said sure, and asked Kendra to stay for dinner too so Paul’s sister wouldn’t feel like a third wheel. Moira and Kendra got along great and made plans to go out clubbing the next night. They started hanging a lot, which was great because I could spend more time alone with Paul.

All well and good until Paul called me yesterday and was freaking. Apparently, Kendra and his MARRIED sister have become more than friends – he walked in and caught them!.Turns out it wasn’t respect that has kept Kendra off my dates – she’s gay. Now, I’m OK with her being gay, and to be fair, Moira didn’t tell her that she was married. But Paul is really upset because he was best friends with Moira’s husband, and now the guy won’t speak to him. When the parents heard, they hit the roof. And Paul has cooled considerably toward me.

What am I supposed to do? I understand why Paul is upset – his close friendship was blown apart, his parents are blaming him, and I’m the one who had the bright idea to get Kendra and Moira together. It’s too early in our relationship for us to have a solid understanding to work from. Things were going great until this happened. Is there any way to salvage things?

Romy the Roomie

Dr. B says: Everyone involved in this drama is an adult and made their own decisions. You are not trapped in it –  this is in no way your fault and you shouldn’t own it. Tell as such to Paul: “I am sorry there’s this crazy drama, but it isn’t my fault. You need to get over this blame thing and we need some time apart until you do.” This puts the responsibility back where it belongs. If he wants to be with you then let him act in such a way that he deserves it. This is good role modeling – it is exactly what he needs to do with his friend and family too. 

In a relationship you are either a team or not. It sucks when you have to walk away, but it’s a good skill to have if you want to eventually find the right team member. Never own someone else’s shit.  

C says: Since Dr. B has already given you the sensible advice, I have to ask the unasked questions – how did Moira’s husband find out? And how on earth did Paul’s parents find out? Did Paul tell them? Did Moira decide to throw her marriage out after a few days with your secretly gay roommate? And why did she fail to mention her marriage to Kendra? Is she some kind of dishonest philandering bitch? I don’t know if your relationship with Paul will survive this, but one thing is for sure – if it does, you are in for a lot of family drama. Do you really want it?

Here’s my advice, Roomie. Make that speech to Paul, and then forget about him and sit down with Kendra for a long overdue talk. Paul has been dating you a few weeks, Kendra’s been with you five years. You shouldn’t be keeping secrets like this from each other, or more shit can happen – quite by accident. Honesty is the best form of shit prevention. If someone is a part of your life, something as all-encompassing as their sexual/gender identity shouldn’t be a secret. Tell Kendra: “I’m totally cool with you being gay, but I don’t like secrecy. Let’s put our cards on the table and see where we stand.”

And that’s pretty much the ONLY thing you need to do with this whole mess.

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com