Motif

Author: Cathren Housley

  • Stefan Couture: A Brief and Binding Light

    Stefan Couture: A Brief and Binding Light

    Stefan Couture

    If you’ve never seen Stefan Couture perform live, then June 10 at Chan’s in Woonsocket is the night to do it. Couture was nominated as one of the best singer/songwriters in Motif’s 2022 poll, and his newest collection, A Brief and Binding Light, clearly shows why. The album will drop on all streaming platforms on June 10 and Couture, with long-time musical collaborator the Moondog (Matt Nolan) will be celebrating with a release party at Chan’s that evening. 

    The songs on A Brief and Binding Light are a testament to the friendship that started on the April Fools Day blizzard of 1997 and has spanned over 26 years. Some of the songs on the new EP were written that night. Couture told us: “We went back to where we started and recovered a handful of them that have never seen the light of day. They just never got a chance.”

    Both Couture and Nolan have been fans of albums like Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and the Counting Crows August and Everything After,collections that work together as a complete unit, so before they even got into the studio, they made sure there was a cohesive flow.

    Nolan told us: “We recorded all six of those tracks in the studio in one day, then took the next six months to color and fine tune them. We wanted to convey a feeling, an emotion, and develop a progression through the whole album.”

    Couture kept that continuity in his choice of producers. “We recorded at Red Dog Studios in Blackstone, MA, with Chuck Ladeucer. He’s been a long time friend and collaborator – he worked on my previous two albums as well. My first was a solo, 22 years ago, so we have a long relationship. It seemed natural to bring him to the table.”

    Couture is a player with real staying power; even the pandemic couldn’t stop him. During the harshest lockdowns, on Saturday nights in northern Rhode Island you could find Stefan Couture at his Virtual Campfire, streaming to a burgeoning crowd of listeners who tuned in to his show to warm up their COVID isolation. A listener posted: “Love this guy! His Virtual Campfire acoustic shows make for some groovy Saturdays in quarantine.” 

    Stefan first learned how to connect with his audience in the subways of Boston, busking for a constantly changing collection of commuters. “Usually a group would have to move on, and I could play the same song again for an entirely different crowd.” For a songwriter, this was a great experience. It lead to two earlier albums, Ghost in the Rearview with the Campfire Orchestra and Great Big Somewhere, and now to a website and media presence complete with an online store replete with sweatshirts and tees, stickers, hats and mugs – just about everything that a laid-back music lover might need. Nolan told us: “As you get to know Stefan, there’s this whole universe that surrounds the music – merchandise, art and design for the album – he creates it all himself.” Nolan himself is creating a comic book around his Moondog character that goes in tandem with everything else the two are doing to create a buzz.

    At this point, the duo’s audience covers a broad range, with listeners who like anything from jazz to blues to folk, along with people who fit into the jam band scene. They’re anywhere from late 20s to late 60s. It seems that no matter what you listen to, you can find a little piece of yourself in this music. Said Couture: “There’s not a lot of flash and snake oil going on. It’s just the two of us, trying to create a bigger room than you bought a ticket for. It’s always going to be honest and it’s always going to be fun.”

    Come see for yourself at Chan’s on June 10.


    Follow Stefan Couture and the Moondog on facebook.com/StefanCoutureMusic and instagram.com/stefancouturemusic. A Brief and Binding Light was produced by Chuck Ladoucer, Stefan Couture, and Matt Nolan

  • Advice From The Trenches: Hot For Teacher

    Advice From The Trenches: Hot For Teacher


    Dear C,

    There’s a guy I am really attracted to in my political science class. Sometimes I think that he’s interested in me too, but it’s hard to tell since I only see him in class. I’d really like to find out, but it isn’t as simple as approaching him at a party or casually asking him if he wants to get coffee. Why? Because the guy also happens to be the professor who teaches the class.

    I know lots of girls get crushes on their teachers, but this is different. I honestly feel like he understands something in me that no one else can see. I’ve had a couple of meetings with him, and I just know there is something simmering under the surface. 

    He’s actually only about 6 years older than his students – but since I’ve gotten to know him, guys my own age seem hopelessly immature. I honestly think my prof could be the one, and if I let him get away, I’ve lost a chance at happiness.

    I know he won’t make the first move, especially in class. But I think if I can just get alone with him once, I can at least find out if these feelings I’m having are real.                           – Lisa in Love


    C says:

    Lisa, Lisa, Lisa…I’m sure your feelings are real – but in all likelihood, they are also probably doomed. However, I do realize that there isn’t a young woman in the world who would simply brush off the delicious excitement of an attraction such as yours, so I won’t try to talk you out of it. I’ll just give you some perspective.

    The word for an attraction such as yours is “thrall.” You are in thrall, my dear. According to Oxford dictionary, here’s what it means: Thrall; a state of servitude or submission, usually used with in; the state of being in someone’s power. Historically, it was used to refer to a slave, servant or captive. 

    In other words, it’s somewhat like being held in the tractor beam of an AK-47.

    The professor in a college course is like a rock star; he stands under a spotlight in a darkened auditorium and his carefully constructed lectures are designed to intrigue and lure you into knowledge. He also holds the power to pass or fail you and to make recommendations or condemnations which could affect the course of your chosen career. If you have Daddy issues, he is an irresistible father figure. The thought of being able to seduce him, to have the affirmation of his desire for you, can be overwhelming. 

    You are scarcely alone in your fascination. There are literally thousands of romance novels with the teacher/student theme driving their plots of “heaving breasts” and “rigid tools”. But in real life, although they do sometimes result in marriage, teacher/student relationships seldom work out well.

    The reason is simple if you start with this basic axiom of human psychology: the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you and your teacher did become involved now, here is what you might expect from him – he has the upper hand in terms of power and authority and he sees nothing wrong with sneaking around with students, although it is probably a violation of his contract with the university. Now ask yourself: “What reason would I have to believe that he would become a different person if the two of us got involved?” If he is attracted to you, and gives in rather easily to that attraction, chances are that he’s done it before – and will probably do it again. 

    But, OK, let’s say the best scenario happens – the two of you discover that you are each “the one” for the other and you decide to have a relationship. In that case, you couldn’t continue being his student, and he could possibly be asked to leave the university. Your education would get side railed, and he would be an unemployed professor with a dodgy past. You guys would need to have a very powerful and singular love in order to weather a challenge like that.

    I foresee a lot of drama and conflict.

    Bottom line – are you in school to get an education? Or are you there to find romance and put yourself on an emotional roller coaster? Getting involved with the prof ain’t nothing but another Harlequin Romance novel just waiting to go bad. 

  • Advice from the Trenches: Why stay?

    Dear C,

    I think that my friend Padma is making a huge mistake, but nothing I say makes a dent.

    Padma has been married for 12 years and has 3 children, the youngest in his mid-teens. The older kids are in college. She and her husband Mark run a travel agency together. The business is doing fine, but they have problems.

    Her husband cheated on her last year, and it wasn’t the first time. He’d already done it twice!

    This time, he was planning to divorce her. I have seen Padma hurt before and I was sure this was the last straw.

    I was shocked when she announced she was going to try to save the marriage! She fully owns her 50% of the business and isn’t dependent on him for money. I keep telling her that she should be with someone supportive, not some asshole who sneaks around on her. Why would an intelligent woman with her own money fight to stay with a guy who wants to ditch her? It makes no sense!!! 

    – Raving Jane

    C says:

    This does seem like a no-brainer and any therapist would point out that past behavior is the best way to predict future behavior; Padma’s repeat offender husband isn’t likely to stop.

    But it’s much easier to give advice than to actually dismantle decades of your own life, so I asked my friend, Marianne, an intelligent woman who just went through a similar experience of her own, for some insight. 

    M says:

    First – back off, Jane. You can’t help your friend by pushing her into what seems to you to be the obvious “right” direction. A long-term marriage, especially where children are involved, is not a surface thing, it is more like a tree that grows and everyone who looks at the tree can see the trunk and leaves above ground – but the root system beneath that tree spreads out farther and deeper than anyone can see. The real story in any marriage is in those roots, not the visible tree, and this is Padma’s life, not yours. She, not you, will have to deal with the pain from ripping out those roots. 

    That being said, I hope Padma will consider the story I am about to tell.

    I divorced my husband after 11 years of tumultuous drama. We’d worked together running our own design studio, so there was something solid I wanted to save. The guy was a compulsive liar and did some very hurtful things but I wasn’t a saint myself, so there wasn’t a clear bad guy. It was only after years of sincerely trying to heal the relationship that I gave up because he just kept lying. 

    When I divorced him, I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I underestimated the roots that persisted within myself. Every relationship I had came to a fruitless end. When my ex couldn’t find an affordable apartment and I could barely make the mortgage on the house, I decided that the “devil I know” was better than nothing and maybe we could maintain peace if we each had our own floor of the house. I let my ex move back into the basement apartment. My reasons were rational, and Padma’s could be as well – after 50, many women value companionship over sexual attraction.

    I was older and wiser at this point and because I handled conflict so much better than before, a coma-like stasis was generally possible. Fights still happened, but calm always resettled. My awareness was lulled to sleep. It took 10 years to discover that my ex’s only real change was from being a bad liar to being a really good one; the cesspool beneath was bigger than ever. 

    Psychological abuse can be a very deceptive thing. Abusers are smart – they never just abuse. They can be manipulative as hell and put on a show of outward compliance withlavish shows of caring while they carry on as usual in secret. I didn’t realize the damage that his “nice guy/secret bad guy” crap had on my own peace of mind until I caught him in the act and realized he’d been gaslighting me for years..

    The divorce rate in the US is 40% to 50%. A lot of people find it easier to just walk out, and Padma’s willingness to try to save her family is not a bad thing. But not every marriage can be saved.

    This is a decision that only Padma can make. But she should ask herself some questions first. 

    Is her husband actually putting in his own effort? When they have conflicts, does he ever initiate talks to resolve them or does she have to do all the work? He knows the right things to say, but what are his reflexive gut reactions? And what does her own guts tell her? Is anything really changing?

    Fighting to keep what is hers is not wrong. But no one can have a happy home without trust and respect. I know Padma respects the values of family, but seriously – will she ever be able to trust her husband again?

  • Advice from the Trenches: No Sugar Tonight

    Dear C,

    There have been a lot of food shortages lately, but at least I can go online and find explanations for it – Avian bird flu, the scarcity of wheat since Russia went ballistic, etc, etc. But one of the oddest shortages is the disappearance of sugar-free hard candy from all of the discount stores! Walmart has sugar free chocolate, but no Brach’s sugar-free cinnamon hard candies, my absolute favorite. And why has Dollar Tree been out of peppermints for months? There is NO explanation anywhere online that I can find!

    Got anything?                  

    – Peppermint Patty

    C says:

    I too remember when they had at least a dozen flavors of sugar free hard candies at Job Lot. Finding it hard to believe that they’re ALL gone, I drove to Job Lot, Walmart, and Dollar Tree. You’re right! The only sugar free hard candy I found consistently was Werther’s caramels; no peppermints, no cinnamon, just one lone bag of Jolly Ranchers.

    You were right about online explanations too. Nada. The market analysis trends were puzzling as well, largely because while I could readily copy text or download documents from every other market analysis online, the sugar-free trends would not copy – you had to submit contact info in order to obtain them. So, I took screen prints. What I read in them was odd indeed.

    COVID has affected every global market, and the sugar industry is no exception. But while the global demand for sugar shrank 18.78% between 2019 and 2020, the demand in the US for sugar-free foods rose. Why? 

    The answer to this at least made sense. We’ve known for a while that regular consumption of high-calorie products can lead to diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, and cardiovascular and liver diseases, but since COVID, people have started to make preventative measures a real priority. This has not escaped notice by the advertising industry – they’ve stepped up their own efforts to sell sugar-free products to health-conscious consumers.

    So, why are there fewer sugar-free hard candies than ever before? Well, the joke is on us, Patty. They’re out there alright – if you want to pay double, or more.

    If you shop online, you can still find any kind of sugar-free hard candy you want. Here’s the difference: when it was available on shelves, you could walk into Walmart and get Brach’s sugar-free cinnamon candies for $2.99 a bag. Peppermints at Dollar Tree were a buck a bag, Now, the same sized packages can cost you $6 and up. They are also often available only in lots of 2 to a dozen bags. Sellers have jacked prices even higher than those of eggs.

    China is one of the world’s largest producers of sweeteners, dominating the global market for saccharin, stevia, aspartame, and sucralose. Shipping shortages and global conflict were constant excuses for unavailable items. But for sugar-free, no excuses were made. Perhaps they were hoping you wouldn’t ask.

    The real reason for the bare shelves may be nothing more than greedy price-gouging by merchants. By funneling your best-selling favorites out of the stores and onto the web, they’ve made the products more desirable, then made them ridiculously expensive in the only places they can be found. Brach’s cinnamon candies could be bought at $40 for a carton of 12 – but no one on a tight budget can realistically afford to spend that much on calorie-free junk when the same $40. will buy a week’s worth of the cheapest foods on the market – pasta, canned fruits and vegetables, rice, potatoes… and high-calorie crap made with high-fructose corn syrup. Is it any wonder that those from lower income brackets also have the highest rate of obesity and all the diseases which it spawns?

    The COVID-19 pandemic has been quite a paradox in many ways – it led to the adoption of some best-practice models in the food industry. It highlighted the importance of nutritious, higher quality foods in preventing diseases. But it also gave every profit monger in the market the means to squeeze every dime they could out of our increased awareness. The result? Sugar-free hard candies are now out of reach at discount store prices but readily available to anyone with money to burn.  

    There are a lot of health benefits from cutting down on sugar and stepping up healthier foods. Unfortunately, a lot of people will not be able to make those dietary changes because higher quality food is also higher priced. So, while the rich are buying insanely expensive keto products and wild-caught salmon, the poor eat diabetes-inducing carbs.

    If I were a person who thrived on conspiracy theory, I’d say there’s a story in there.

  • Advice From the Trenches: Tattoo You

    Advice From the Trenches: Tattoo You

    Dear C:

    When my daughter was living in our home, I had a rule: “No tattoos until you are grown enough to make adult decisions!“ She was good about it – until she left home and covered her arms with so many tattoos that when people see her in a sleeveless patterned blouse, they think it’s the sleeves. It’s a little disturbing, but she’s an adult and that’s that.

    Now, my 16-year old is inspired and wants to get her first tattoo. I tell her she has to wait. She thinks I’m unfair because her sister has so many. She calls me a hypocrite. Logical reasons like “if you change your mind and want it off, it’ll cost you 10 times what it cost to put it on,” don’t help.

    Why can’t she realize it could seriously affect her ability to get a job?       

    – Lamenting Mom

    C says:

    I saw a recent article in the UK publication The Independent that talked about an Australian bar that refused entrance to musician Post Malone because of his “offensive facial tattoos,” which included skulls, barbed wire under his hairline, and the words “Stay Away” over his eyebrow. Apparently, the outrage was so great over this violation of Malone’s personal freedom of expression that the bar bent over backwards apologizing and distanced themselves by shifting blame to their outside contract security team.

    However, Post Malone is a big star in the music scene today and your daughter’s experience might be different. It’s something to consider – but when I did some research online, the recent surveys and news articles painted an uneven picture.

    As far as jobs go, Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 currently protects employees and job applicants from employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex and national origin, but there is no existing legislation – federal, state, or municipal – which prohibits discrimination against people with tattoos in the workplace.

    Essentially, this means that any employer who doesn’t appreciate this fashion trend and feels it conflicts with his business can either order a cover-up or decide to just not hire. Despite the fact that tattoos are now recognized as part of mainstream culture, many people are still judgmental towards tattoos and associate them with risky or even criminal behavior. This gives a lot of businesses a good excuse to exclude ink-decorated employees.

    However, in a lot of ways, general attitudes have changed. In more recent years, courts have actually begun to recognize tattooing as a form of free speech. In 2015, the United States Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit determined that “the act of tattooing is artistic expression protected by the First Amendment, as tattooing is virtually indistinguishable from other protected forms of artistic expression; the principal difference between a tattoo and, for example, a pen-and-ink drawing, is that a tattoo is engrafted onto a person’s skin rather than drawn on paper.” And in 2012, the Supreme Court ruled that a “tattoo itself is pure speech, and the process of tattooing is also expressive activity for First Amendment purposes.” What this means is that now tattoos and the act of tattooing are forms of expression protected by the First Amendment. You may not be able to stop an employer from turning you away, but no one can stop you from your own version of artistic expression.

    Here are the most recent stats I found on tattoos in the workplace today:

    • About 40% of the US workforce has tattoos.

    • Nearly all women are fine with their coworkers showing tattoos at work.

    • Only 12% of people with tattoos have them visible in the workplace.

    • Women are more likely to face discrimination because of tattoos at work     than men.

    • About 76% of people believe tattoos hurt an applicant’s chances in an interview.

    • Almost 90% of people accept ink on professional athletes and personal trainers.

    However, over 40% of people believe tattoos are inappropriate at work.

    What all this probably means is that Post Malone can get away with his tats, but your average ink- illustrated  lawyer isn’t about to get promoted to partnership in a Wall Street firm. So maybe the question your daughter should ask herself is: What do I want to do when I enter the adult world? And, am I really, REALLY sure?

  • Advice from the Trenches: Food for Thought

    Advice from the Trenches: Food for Thought

    Dear C:

    My boyfriend Stan won’t listen to me, and I need some backup. He is recovering from pneumonia after having had Omicron just a month before. 

    He eats too much junk food to begin with, but when he was quarantined with Omicron, he couldn’t be bothered to cook and ate nothing but processed foods. If I’m with him I bug him to eat better, but I couldn’t risk getting infected – I teach senior craft classes twice a week.

    He was in a rush to catch up with his own work after getting out of quarantine, so he kept eating whatever he could grab on the run. Then – surprise! He gets pneumonia.

    He finished all his antibiotics but he isn’t getting better. He keeps eating crap. His excuse is that he has no appetite and junk food at least tastes good, otherwise he wouldn’t eat at all. I think he’s being stupid. 

    C says:

    Well, of course he is, Carol. The majority of men are stupid about their health, I think it’s in their genes, so there’s no point in blame. Their doctors don’t help much either. A research article published in the Journal of Biomedical Education discovered that over a third of medical schools required less than 12 hours of nutrition over the course of their 4 year curriculum. No surprise that doctors just hand out a prescription instead. 

    This same article made another interesting finding: “nutrition is a dominant contributor to most chronic diseases and a key determinant of poor treatment outcomes. It cannot be a realistic expectation for physicians to effectively address obesity, diabetes, metabolic syndrome, hospital malnutrition, and many other conditions as long as they are not taught during medical school how to recognize and treat the nutritional root causes.” This was not an opinion offered by alternative care supporters – it was a conclusion drawn by a group of researchers from institutions that included Harvard Medical School. Why our general medical system chooses to ignore this is a matter for another discussion. 

    Next time your boyfriend scoffs at you as he is unwrapping his third Snickers bar of the day, stop him mid-snicker (pun intended) and send him to this link: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8140719/.

    It might wake him up – or put him to sleep.

    My consulting chiropractic physician in residence, Dr. Michael Zola, offers an explanation for the importance of nutrition that your boyfriend might understand: “If you were gong to build a house, you would want to get the best materials and the most skilled builders, because you want it to last. When you eat crappy food, you are building yourself with sub-par materials. The more nutrients there are, the better your system will work.”

    Most men take better care of their cars than they do their bodies, so here’s another approach that might get through – compare the human body to a car. What kind of a car does Stan have? If he owns a beat up piece of junk, he might brush this tactic off too, but if he’s got a BMW, or any recent model car for that matter, he might get it: “Hey, Stan! You don’t mind if I take your car to Stop & Shop and fill the tank with Mountain Dew instead of gas, do you? It’s a lot more convenient than going to the Mobile station, and soda is on sale this week!” 

    If he brushes that off too, you may want to consider brushing him off as well – unless you want to end up in a relationship with a guy who is a) on disability by the time he’s 40; or, b) needs you to play Mommy to his five year old for the rest of your life.

    Stan’s diet is his choice and also the choice of the “shut up already!” crowd. However, there are men out there who, of their own free will, chose to apply the same intelligence to their own health that they do to their careers. 

    Whom you chose to partner with is up to you. Choose wisely.

  • Advice From the Trenches: Call me

    Advice From the Trenches: Call me

    Dear C:

    I do not ever look at my phone every 2 minutes to see if a girl I’m dating called me. I don’t text a second time when I don’t get a prompt answer the first time and I don’t invite a girl I am dating to every event in my life after I sleep with them. So why do they do this to me? 

    I’m in my early 40’s and every guy I know seems to have this problem. I have it even when I warn the girl that I am not really a texting kind of guy, and I never respond to texts or messages while I’m working.

    An even bigger problem is the expectations women have if I go out with them for more than a few weeks. I can tell them right from the beginning that I’m not really looking for a relationship right now because I’m focusing on work, but within a month they are getting as possessive as if I’d asked them to marry me! Sure, they will smile and say they understand, but I don’t think they even listen.

    I am totally honest with every woman I date. What is their problem???

    – Fed up Fred

    C says:

    This is America, Fred. There are just too many films in which the leading man is a confirmed bachelor… until he meets The One, and everything changes. Hey, if it can happen for Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson, it can happen for anyone, right? So first, you’re fighting the media.

    Next, you’re fighting chemistry. Your earnest words fall on deaf ears because that pesky urge to cling is probably not based on logic or reason, it is more likely a hormone called oxytocin. Nicknamed the ‘bonding hormone,’ oxytocin is a byproduct of sex. During arousal, it multiplies rapidly, exploding at orgasm – hence that urge to cuddle. Women become attached and nurturing. If you actually wanted a relationship, that wouldn’t be a problem.

    Finally – you’re getting older and so are your male friends. If you want carefree and casual, it gets tougher from here. Single women your own age who might still want children are impatient with grown men who still can’t commit. I think you need to be more realistic in your screening process – avoid women who seem affectionate and caring. Go for the girls who just want a good time! Paid escorts might be a good fit for you. No pesky texts from them, guaranteed.

    But the obsessive behavior you describe in your dates seems more like an emotional disorder than a bonding instinct. I’d ask myself why you choose the same type over and over – because blaming the women doesn’t stop you from picking the next one.

    Dr. J says:

    I applaud you for being honest, and for knowing what you want and do not want up front. Unfortunately, many people have selective hearing and will interpret another’s words in a way that doesn’t disagree with their own value system.

    Few if any relationships are black and white. Some people want to take things slow and let them evolve naturally. Some want to move forward at the speed of light. It seems you’re meeting a few of the latter type.

    There are a lot of other types of relationships. Some couples are inseparable. They never utter a sentence that doesn’t include their partner’s name. They share a circle of friends, sometimes even an email address. Then there are people who are partnered, yet independent. I have some married male friends I can call 24/7 to make a plan to meet. With others, I have to first get on their wives’ “approved friend list” in order to see them. Some friends left me behind once they got married and never looked back. I determined that I didn’t ever want the life that my enmeshed couple friends had. I am in my 50s and unmarried, and I love my life exactly as it is. 

    The hijacking of our communication channels by texting is an unpleasant side effect of technology. Devices are great when you’re trying to locate someone at a crowded event, but when someone is hammering you with guilt-ridden texts while you’re simply unavailable, fueled by their own insecurities that have nothing to do with you, it borders on harassment. I am not glued to my phone. Often I’m in meetings or I’m driving and refuse to put myself in any danger. I’ve lost many a second date by not responding fast enough. But I also know that if there are communication discrepancies so early on, there will only be more headaches to come. 

    There are women who share your ideals and have a similar work-life balance.  Somewhere along the line you will meet someone whose relationship and communication style will be similar to your own. It will feel natural and easy. You won’t feel pressured and you’ll actually look forward to communicating. 

    Till then, continue to be honest, be true to yourself, and keep looking. You can’t and shouldn’t be someone you are not. 

  • Advice From the Trenches: What’s wrong with you bitches?

    Advice From the Trenches: What’s wrong with you bitches?

    Dear C:

    I have a complaint. Don’t take it personally, but women suck. There just isn’t anything that makes them happy.

    I haven’t had much success with relationships, so I decided to take some advice from Lianna, my roommate’s girlfriend. She told me that I was stuck in the last century with my macho attitude. I should be more sensitive – talk more about my feelings, and admit to being vulnerable. Since the “Me Too” thing, women don’t want men who put on that, “I’m strong, I’m in control,” act.

    So, I took her advice. Next time I asked a girl out, I didn’t act all confident. When we got to the restaurant I didn’t order for both of us even though I knew the house specialty was the best thing on the menu and she’d love it. Instead, I asked her what she thought we should have.

    During dinner, instead of talking about my promotion at work or or how my club team won our last game, I told her about how I didn’t start dating until I was about 19 because I was afraid of getting turned down. I mentioned that it hurt my feelings when my last girlfriend bailed on me. I told her about my food allergies. Then I bucked my usual habit of waiting a week to call her back, and called back the next morning.

    So, what happened? I never heard from her again. She left faster than my last girlfriend.

    What is wrong with you bitches?

    – Guy Gonged

    C says:

    Nothing is wrong with us bitches, Guy. You were just being a typical clueless male, jumping from one extreme to another: “You think the music is too loud? Fine, I’ll just turn it off! Happy now?” 

    And you somehow managed to miss the whole point and make this date all about you. Typical.

    Being sensitive doesn’t mean being a whiny little wuss. It means being aware of the other person and their reactions. At some point, you might have caught on, but you were too busy dribbling into your incontinence pants (that’s a direct quote from Ab Fab) to notice.

    You weren’t being sensitive – it was more like you were asking this girl to be your mommy! I know that there are women out there who would love to find a man they could dominate and mother, but I gotta tell you: If a man acted like that with me, it would give me the creeps.

    I’m going to let my friend Dr. J explain – he’s more sympathetic. This bitch is just a little too ready to slap you.

    Dr. J says: 

    Men have long aspired to understand and unravel the many great mysteries of the world. Some have been more successful than others, but the one riddle men will likely never solve is the inner workings of the modern day woman. Why do they do what they do? What makes them happy, and what will make them like me? I feel your frustration, bro.

    Let’s take the historical overview. Women have faced oppression of one type or another for centuries. It’s only within the last 100 years that women were allowed to vote in this country. Hell, women couldn’t wear pants or bikinis until the 50s because men didn’t approve. Women faced religious and societal pressure to stay home and raise babies. 

    Conversely, the societal pressure on men to be strong, macho, and to “manage” their women dates back thousands of years. The cliché of the caveman dragging his woman by the hair is a perfect example. We’re expected to be strong and live in mini-mansions with multiple cars, be filthy rich, and raise our sons in our own image.

    Things are different now. You can’t group all women together and assume they want the same thing. Some women are repulsed by male bravado, ego, and overconfidence. But some women love sensitive men. Women can like nice guys, jerks, mild-mannered salesmen who drive a BMW, or a Harley-riding tattooed bounty hunter. Some want to settle with one man; some want to keep their options open. Of late, women are staying single by choice, choosing to focus on their careers. The stereotypical “old maid” is a thing of the past.

    Lianna may have had a point, regarding your white-knuckled attempt to hide your true self. But did you actually think it’s a good idea on a first date to order your date’s meal for her because you know what’s best? Considering your own food allergies, why didn’t you even ask about her dietary restrictions? Instead of talking about yourself the whole time and trying to paint a picture of being vulnerable, you might have asked her about herself. Women are intuitive. She probably sensed that you weren’t being genuine. 

    Perhaps instead of asking what’s wrong with women, you should ask yourself how you can become a better version of yourself. As such, I guarantee there will be women who like you just as you are. A healthy dose of Lianna-prescribed humility might do you some good. Just don’t swallow the entire bottle all at once.

  • Trenches in 2023: What are the Trenches?

    What are The Trenches? Where are they, who lives in them, and why? This was a question asked by our publisher and it seems like a good way to start this new year.

    I define The Trenches as the sub-paths that branch off of the straight and narrow highway of the American Dream. Those of us in the Trenches are all here for different reasons, but we tend to have certain things in common. We often lack higher education or prestigious connections. Until Obamacare narrowed the gap, we were all without, or had very limited health insurance or access to medical care. We live with challenges that preclude clear passage on the road to  successful careers. We might be immigrants to this country, we may be natural born citizens with chronic debilitating health and/or neurological problems. But whatever the reason, one thing is certain – we can’t easily buy or borrow everything we need. We have to make do with what we’ve got and figure out a lot for ourselves.

    We have to figure out a lot more than relationship problems and tension at work; we have to deal with aches and pains, plumbing problems and our income taxes. We need to know home remedies and what to look out for when buying appliances. We should probably learn how to sew on a button.

    That is what pretty much decides your fate here: if you can figure things out, you’ll do OK, both with your health and your state of mind.There’s always something you can do to make things better, no matter how unsolvable problems can seem.

    I’ve been living with Crohn’s Disease, an incurable autoimmune disorder, since my early 20’s. As a struggling artist I had no insurance and no money. Mainstream medical doctors wouldn’t even treat me without thousands of dollars worth of tests. Things looked pretty hopeless, and no one had answers. But I am a stubborn bitch. I decided to figure things out.

    It was trial and error. Progress was very gradual. I’ll be honest, it took decades to develop a system for staying in remission. But by the time Affordable Care gave me the first insurance I’d had in decades, the first time I really needed it was when a cat bite freakishly sent me to the hospital on an IV for nearly a week. As for Crohn’s Disease – my new specialists ran tests on me, but they decided to pretty much leave me alone. Whatever I was doing was working.  

    The reason I tell this story is to illustrate the point – if we are willing to put in the effort, we can have a lot more control over what happens to us than we’ve been led to believe. We have this idea drummed into our heads that the only way to solve a health problem is with medication or surgery, the only way to succeed in life is with a degree from a top university, and that personal security and happiness is defined by our bank accounts.

    The thing is, not everyone in this country lives in the same world. We don’t all come from the same socioeconomic backgrounds or have the same core beliefs and values. In a 2006 study by Harvard investigators, they had to break down the country into “eight Americas,” based on race and culture in order to compare the mortality rates of each group. With this much diversity, there aren’t any clear answers that even the top experts have that are going to work for everyone. We all have to look at the America we live in and figure it out from there.

    What Advice From the Trenches aims to do in the upcoming year is to answer questions and offer perspectives and solutions on a wider range of questions. We want to address mind, body, household repairs, community support and available resources for the groups and subgroups that live in RI. We are going to talk with people who are thriving in The Trenches and have figured a lot of things out.

    In short: a bigger picture, affordable options that take the pressure off, and advice that is relevant to the particular America you live in. We will not forget that laughter is the best medicine. 

    And we’d really like to hear from you. Got advice that you’d like to share? Want to tell us to shove our suggestions up our ass? Great! We are always learning.

    We hope you are too.

  • Tips for a Healthier 2023: Moving with the flow of change

    Do a Google search on ‘tips for a healthier 2023’ and you will quickly find every suggestion you need in order to get into the best shape of your life: Exercise regularly! Eat right! Protect yourself from COVID-19 and the flu! 

    If everybody actually followed all those tips, that would be great – but we don’t. It’s usually just a matter of time before we are right back into the old habits, fighting the same fights. Sure, we start out pumped and enthusiastic as hell, but as time goes on, our gung-ho drive seems to dribble away. If you want to succeed in 2023, you need to understand what you are up against.

    Every system’s natural instinct is to maintain stasis and resist change. When you try to make a change, no matter how positive this change could be, there is going to be more than one part of your own system that will try to undermine you.

    This is not just some flaw in you, it happens to everyone. There are no straight lines in nature and no one has ever set their sights on a goal and walked straight to it. Philosopher P. D. Ouspensky characterized this phenomena as an example of The Law of Seven. An extremely simple illustration of this complex axiom is the octave. Within the notes of the standard octave, there are two definite intervals: one between mi and fa, and one between si and the new do, where the ascending vibrations naturally slow down. 

    This slowing down of movement and intent also occurs naturally when we try to go from where we are to where we want to be. When that happens we lose energy and focus – and if we succumb to natural impulse this is where we veer off of our intended path.

    That’s why your best chance for success is to have a support group, proven system, or an experienced counselor to help you keep heading towards your goal. This is true for weight loss but especially true for quitting smoking and kicking drugs or alcohol. Do not kid yourself that you can do it on your own. You can’t. Your system will constantly try to revert to stasis, and that means going back to your substance of choice.

    Another problem that comes with change is that your best friends can turn into your worst enemies.

    In every group of friends and in every family, there is a sort of balance. Everyone has their place and their accustomed role, and one of the major factors in keeping groups together is this tacit agreement that exists between members. When one member changes, the others often try to pull the changeling back into place.

    One of the reasons that couples therapy is always suggested when there are problems in a relationship is that if only one partner starts therapy and the other one doesn’t, the differences between them tend to just become greater.

    If your friends and your family aren’t supportive of a positive change you are trying to make, don’t let it stop you. This is not a sign that you are doing the wrong thing. It could even be a sign that what you are doing is working. But also don’t hold it against them. You’d probably have the same instinct if they began to change and you didn’t.        

    Just remember that whatever change you are trying to make, whatever diet you are trying to follow, or whatever 12 step program you are hanging your future on, it’s not going to be a one shot deal. You’ve got to make it a permanent part of your life.

    If the idea of forever seems overwhelming, you’ve got one aspect of human nature working in your favor – once formed, a good habit is as hard to break as a bad habit. And here’s the best news: if you can keep a change for two months, chances are you’ve got enough of a habit formed that continuing won’t be as hard as when you first started.  Hold on for 6 months, and you’ve practically got yourself a new normal.

    The urge will come to sneak back to your old ways. You may think that “just once” won’t hurt anything but once you open a door, it’s nearly impossible to close it again. Your struggle will just resume where it left off. This is where a support group and a system really helps. You may weaken – your support group will not. This is the time to trust them instead of your own instincts.

    Change is not impossible, but it’s like going through childbirth. If you don’t understand what’s happening, you end up screaming your head off and everything just takes longer. We could all use the equivalent of Lamaze classes for the soul. 

    Interesting idea for a Google search. I’ll let you know what I find.