Author: Cathren Housley

Advice from the Trenches: Dad Is a Dud

Dear C,

My daughter, Lila, is 14 and she had been complaining that she doesn’t want to go on visitations with her dad anymore. I have no reason to believe she’s in any danger or that there’s some kind of abuse going on. She doesn’t come home covered with bruises or telling stories about wild parties and drugs. It’s just that her dad has always been quiet and introverted and Lila finds him an overall bummer to be around. She says that she does nothing but watch TV while she’s there.

I’ve had it with him, that’s why we are divorced. He wasn’t a bad husband, but he was emotionally absent. I feel bad forcing her to be subjected to the same depressing crap I put up with for years.

Should I go back to court over visitation rights? Can I? Again, he is not abusing her.

Sighing Single Mom

Dear Mom,

Are you serious? You can’t let your daughter avoid her father just because she finds him dull. What kind of lesson is that to teach her? That she should avoid anything she doesn’t want to deal with?

We don’t get to choose our parents. Some of us landed a nurturing mother and a loving father; others got the family from hell. Considering the odds, your daughter didn’t do so badly. Her dad could have been a criminal or a raving drunk. Perhaps your marriage didn’t work out, but your ex doesn’t deserve to have his daughter taken away simply because he’s boring. Since there are no safety or abuse issues involved you can’t stop visitations. If he wants them, it is his legal right.

I can’t help but notice, Mom — you talk about your ex as if he were a chronic cold you finally got rid of. If I pick up on that attitude from just one question, your daughter picks up on it too. Right now, you are painting a picture of her father as nothing but a mistake you’ve moved on from, and it’s a very destructive way to present him to your daughter. Consider this: Your daughter and your husband share genetic material. This means that they are similar in certain ways whether they like it or not. If you talk about him like he’s a flat lining screw-up, and she’s half him, then what does this say about Lila and her own potential? That she’s going to turn out to be a dud too?

I think there’s a more constructive way to look at your marriage: You were two young people who had things in common, but then you grew apart. There must have been valid reasons you had for choosing your husband, along with the ones that really were mistakes. Talk to your daughter about the qualities you were drawn to in her dad. Show some appreciation for him as a human being. You have a great deal more to gain from encouraging their relationship than you do from dismissing it.

The attitudes your daughter is learning from you now are going to set up her expectations for relationships and parenting for the rest of her life.You are her role model. What do you think a responsible, caring adult should be? I doubt if the dad-bashing attitude you are assuming right now is something you’d be proud to see her carry on.

I think there are some lessons for both you and your daughter to learn here. Your daughter needs to know that people aren’t worthless just because they aren’t the life of the party. And you need to realize that if you couldn’t trust your judgment before, you won’t be any better able to trust it now. Not unless you’ve somehow gained deep insight just by walking out. I’m going go out on a limb and guess that your ex wasn’t boring when you first met him. Could there have been signs that you missed? What happened to change things as the years went by? And what is to stop it from happening again?

There’s a lot more to marriage than fun. The fireworks and infatuation are just the beginning. This is a partnership between two people that is going to take hard work and involve difficult choices as well. If you learn from the past instead of running away from it, you and Lila will both have a shot at a better future.

January 18, 2017
Cook Your Medicine!

“He who takes medicine and neglects to diet wastes the skills of his doctors.” – from an ancient Chinese proverb

In western medicine, doctors pay but glancing heed to a patient’s diet other than to hand out standard cautions and restrictions. I don’t blame the doctors; nutrition is simply not a part of their education. A research article published in the Journal of Biomedical Education found that over a third of responding medical schools said they required less than 12 hours of nutrition over the course of their 4-year curriculum. Almost a half of that same group required none at all. The average for all responding schools? About 19 hours. Unsurprisingly, in medical practice, nutrition takes a back seat to medication, tests and procedures. But could we be missing out on something important here?

Food has been used as medicine since the dawn of documented time. In traditional Chinese medicine, food is given the same importance for health as herbs and medical treatment. Different temperatures and flavors are thought to influence the body in specific ways; hot and cold are just the beginning. Every taste is considered distinct in its effect, from pungent and sweet to sour and salty.

Our own early American folk and herbal healers regarded food as a staple of treatment. Their methods may seem primitive to us now when compared to advanced treatments and pharmaceuticals, but the effect that food alone could have was remarkable.

It must be recognized that modern medicine has achieved impressive technical progress, especially in the realm of crisis intervention. And it’s true that when a patient reaches a critical stage, strong measures are necessary to avert danger to life. But it must also be noted that patients rarely reach a critical state overnight, nor will they remain in it forever. Well-nourished people have a greater resistance to stress and disease, and miraculous treatments cannot guarantee remission; our own bodies must gain the ability to maintain and strengthen themselves. And that’s work, which requires the right fuel. For humans, that fuel is food.

The aforementioned article in the Journal of Biomedical Education made another claim that intrigued me: “Nutrition is a dominant contributor to most chronic diseases and a key determinant of poor treatment outcomes. It cannot be a realistic expectation for physicians to effectively address obesity, diabetes, metabolic syndrome, hospital malnutrition and many other conditions as long as they are not taught during medical school how to recognize and treat the nutritional root causes.” This was not an opinion piece printed in a fundamentalist alternative health bulletin. This was a conclusion drawn by a group of researchers from institutions that included Harvard Medical School. It is clear that the importance of nutrition in health is known to western medicine. So how has it slipped through the cracks of their educational system? An article published in the AMA Wire revealed a curious statistic: 71% of medical students entering school believe nutrition to be clinically relevant. But by the time they graduate, fewer than 14% felt the topic had been given any importance in their curriculum. The educational system clearly does not support a dietary approach to health.

Fortunately, there are some schools that have already taken steps to change this. The New York University School of Medicine recently gave students a project that sent them into surrounding streets to interview residents and compile a database that researchers will use to further analyze the impact of food environments on childhood disability. And the Pritzker School of Medicine at the University of Chicago is simulating “teaching kitchens” on campus, so that students can study food in a culinary setting.

What perplexes me is that more respect is not given to naturopathic physicians by the AMA. The universities that naturopaths attend already have comprehensive programs in nutrition that make the courses offered at western medical schools seem like kindergarten classes in comparison. But regardless, and whatever the source, nutrition needs to play a more crucial role in treatments, especially those prescribed for patients with chronic conditions.

The rapidly growing field of integrative medicine is answering the call. Proponents of this approach are taking action to combine the best of conventional western medicine with that of alternative medicine. Cancer Centers of America already uses naturopaths as essential partners in their healing programs. Integrative Medicine is seeking a more comprehensive approach to patient health, and if we are lucky, our health insurance will cover their services.

In the meantime, here’s some traditional wisdom we can all use right now: Sit down to eat, chew food well, turn off the TV and get away from work, relax and enjoy. And laugh whenever you can. We all feel better when we smile.

January 11, 2017
Healthy Eating, Healthy Wallet

With prices rising every week, food has become more of a luxury item than a staple. Even government assistance only goes so far; SNAP benefits for an individual are capped at about $195 a month. Those who pay cash really feel the pinch. Healthy eating on a budget? When I began writing this column, I expected it to be a challenge. Surprise! With the right strategies it can be less expensive than what you are doing now.

First, let’s debunk a myth: Healthy eating isn’t about excluding everything but high-priced “all natural” and organic brands. It’s about whole foods, local resources, and cooking with flair; and it can be easier than you think.

Before we even get to what to buy, let’s talk about where to buy it. Twenty dollars at a bargain chain like PriceRite can often buy literally twice what you’ll get for the same cash at Shaw’s, including organics. On the other hand, PriceRite doesn’t take coupons. If you play your sales right you can pick stuff up practically for free at the bigger chain stores. Another tip: If you have a family to feed, consider joining a wholesale club or food co-op. If you shop around, you can save hundreds of dollars a year on food.

Next: Processed, packaged and prepared food is nearly always more expensive than whole food. You should toss these out anyway! Most are loaded with extra sodium, chemicals and refined sugars and the “natural” brands are absurdly overpriced. It is well worth your while to learn some basic cooking skills. With the right recipes, even a novice with a hot plate can whip up a wholesome meal. Just Google what you want, and you’ll have hundreds of quick, easy recipes at your fingertips in minutes.

Nutritional quality versus price: Protein is often the most expensive item on your grocery list, but the most expensive sources aren’t always the healthiest. If red meat is still on your list, let’s compare filet mignon to bargain chuck. Side by side, the tougher cuts are not only cheaper, they also usually have more protein and less fat. Cooking them takes a bit more work, but housewives have been doing it for decades. So can you. While you’re at it, ditch those limp boneless chicken breasts and switch to succulent thighs and whole chicken. And when you are considering seafood, consider this: Pricey lobster and shrimp practically ooze cholesterol while levels are low in the humble tilapia filet. High omega-3s are what you want in seafood, not high prices.

Of course, the most affordable proteins of all are whole grains, legumes and beans. A bag of lentils that goes for $1.79 at Price Rite can be converted into a pot of delicious soup that can be frozen and stretched for days. Grains and legumes are not only a staple for vegetarians; they can serve as high-quality fillers to make meat go further. You can spend less than $15 and get the ingredients to make a chili or stew that’ll last one person 10 meals. The internet is full of new recipes and ideas. But if you want to go full-out vegan, make sure you understand how to balance your amino acids; not all plant proteins are complete. Soy and seitan can stand alone, but you’re gonna need rice if you’re gonna have beans.

We don’t always consider its importance, but the cooking method that you use can be vital to the value of your food. Anyone can leap to healthier eating in a single bound if they stopped frying food. We think of oil as our enemy, but it’s not if we don’t heat it. Eaten raw, the same oil that can clog your arteries and bulge your butt will emulsify stored fat instead.

Time is a problem for many of us, and it can seem so much easier to buy prepared food that requires no further attention than reheating. But with a little planning, you can make big batches of your favorite recipes and freeze or store them to make your own fast food. The first few times you do it, it will be pain in the ass. After you get used to it, cooking can be quite relaxing and fun. It’s a chance to express your creativity and make food just the way you like it.

But more than a grocery list, healthy eating is a way of life. Too many of us gulp and run without really tasting. A long, relaxing meal with companions and laughter is one of the things that makes life worth living. Healthy eating should not be dismal resignation to unseasoned, boring crap. It should be a celebration of one undeniable fact: We may have to give up many of the habits we love because they do us more harm than good … smoking, drinking, sleeping around? … but the one thing we will always get to do is eat.

Salute!

January 11, 2017
Advice from the Trenches: Netflix and Nil

Dear C;

During the holidays, I had a falling out with a friend.

Let me start by saying that I have my own issues. I was touched inappropriately as a child, with no say in the matter. Physical intimacy has never been a casual thing for me. When I was younger, I sometimes let guys talk me into bed when I didn’t want to, and it always ended badly. After some therapy, I realized how important it was for me to set, and keep, my own boundaries.

I met Steve when I worked with him on a project at a museum. He really knew his stuff and was a respected figure in the community. We got to be friends. At first, I think he hoped for something more, but I never saw him as anything but a friend and he accepted that. We both enjoyed having someone to go to art shows and events with. We both talked about our past and some of the problems in it, and I thought we had a real understanding. He told me about his failed marriage and feelings of loneliness. I confided in him about my own issues with childhood abuse. I wanted him to understand why touching was a problem, so that he wouldn’t take it personally.

This year, we went to a couple of holiday events; everything seemed fine. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Steve came up with: “Let’s rent a holiday movie and cuddle up together under a blanket.” I felt a reflexive sense of dread, but he was my friend, so I tried to be a tactful. I said, “Oh, my days as a stuffed animal are over,” and told him that I just wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I thought he’d remember the things I’d confided to him and back off, but that’s when the whining started. He said, “I can’t imagine being in a position where one doesn’t like being touched. Maybe it’s just me you don’t like being touched by.” What the hell! I couldn’t believe he’d brought it up the first place after everything I’d told him. His persistence was the last straw. I got pretty upset. At that, he abruptly shut down and ran off, saying something about his own survival. I tried to make him understand how I felt, but all he did was snivel and say that he didn’t deserve to be treated like a leper. He’s acting like I’m the bad guy and he’s the victim!

I’m so put off by his behavior that I feel it may be time to end the friendship. I’d thought he was a capable adult and he’s acting more like a 5-year-old. But I felt sad for him; he spent the holidays alone in his apartment, in a dark depression. I hate to see him like this. Obviously, he needs help. I feel like there must be something I can do.

Concerned Karen

Dear Karen;

Haven’t you already done enough? You’ve ruined the poor man!

Sorry. I couldn’t resist. But that’s what he’s hoping you will feel. It’s called a guilt trip, my dear, and Steve is trying to send you on one. Don’t be so willing to go.

First, don’t ever mistake a person’s emotional age by their job status. It’s easy to play a role at work, but when the mask comes off, you will find a lot of adults are emotional children. Guys in general can be idiots when it comes to feelings. However, being an idiot is one thing, and being a manipulative asshole is another. Stop blaming yourself. Steve knew your boundaries and why you had them. He should have known better. That scenario he imagined on the couch? That’s straight out of an abused child’s hellish past. A considerate friend wouldn’t have pushed the point, and certainly wouldn’t have cast you as the villain when you wouldn’t give in.

I’m guessing Steve has his own issues. He probably saw your kindness and friendship as a sign he had a chance. Perhaps his past rejections have traumatized him the same way inappropriate touching did you. I can sympathize, but it’s not your problem.You were honest with him. He should have been honest with you. I suspect that he never stopped wanting something more from you and was just biding his time, hoping you’d change your mind. When he made his move and you said no, he was devastated.

I know you want to be helpful, but it’s a bad idea to go after Steve and try to fix this. If he really wants a relationship, and you just want to be friends, that’s something that can’t be fixed. There’s nothing lonelier than being with someone you want, who doesn’t want you.

January 4, 2017
Alt-Health: Changing … And Not

Most of us who are making resolutions this year have already made the same promise at least once, possibly many times. So why do we keep falling back into the same rut over and over again? Because personal change is really freakin’ hard, and navigating that particular mine field it is not a subject we are taught in school. Here’s a crash course: “Why People Don’t Change, 101.”

You don’t really want to change. Many of the resolutions we make are not for ourselves, but to please other people. Your partner may want you to stop smoking and you try just to keep the peace, but you don’t really care. Or you resolve to lose 10 pounds, but it’s about looking hot at the beach, not due to any real concern for your health; when beach season is over, so is your diet. If you aren’t motivated for a deep and true reason, you aren’t going to change.

Your friends don’t want you to change. Most people surround themselves with an entourage that supports their current lifestyle. If you decide to change your ways, and no one else does, your friends can become your worst enemies. Why? Well, for one thing, your virtue and resolve makes them look bad; they may feel guilty or judged. For another, you just aren’t as much fun anymore. So it’s not unusual for your friends to sabotage you in seemingly well-intended ways. If you’re on a diet, they show up with your favorite cheesecake. If you gave up drinking they gift you with a six pack of beer.

Your brain doesn’t want you to change. Human beings are hard wired to be creatures of habit. It doesn’t matter if our habits are good or bad, our systems want to maintain the status quo. There is a sensation that comes with change that is like swimming against the current or rubbing fur the wrong way; we are fighting the direction of an established flow and it just feels wrong. And when we make a big change, we often feel worse before we start to feel better. It’s only natural to return to what feels right.

Change is the unknown. Nothing is scarier. This is why people stay with abusive partners or remain stuck in dead-end jobs. The situation may be crappy and awful, but it’s OUR crappy and awful. We end up dragging those sacks of oppression around with us like dear, tattered blankets from childhood. They are somehow comforting simply by being familiar. Add to that the fact that something better seldom drops immediately into our laps, and the prison we just walked out of starts looking like the Biltmore … or at least a reasonably clean Hotel 6.

You have no clear idea about HOW to change. You may genuinely want to lose weight, stop drinking, control your anger or get a better job. Great! But too many of us imagine that if we are motivated enough, we can push through by our mighty will power. We throw out every pill, bottle or box of Twinkies in the cupboard, clench our teeth and hope for the best. But this is the way of fools. Today there are effective systems and support groups to help deal with every problem from gambling to sex addiction. If you truly want to change, others will help you. But do we ask for help? Nope. We bang our heads against the wall and hope the plaster cracks before we do.

Change can take a lot longer than you think. You don’t reverse the habits of a lifetime in two weeks. Before real change can sink in, there’s a lot of repair work that has to be done along with it, both physical and emotional. But we don’t want to deal with all that extra crap. We are a very results-oriented society and we want to see something happen NOW. Unfortunately, the faster a change happens, the more likely it is that we will lose it just as quickly. Every counselor at Diet Center knows that a client needs to maintain weight loss for several months before they can reasonably expect it to stay off. And any smoker or addict will tell you that the cravings never entirely go away.

You don’t get the result you expect when you finally reach your goal. Maybe you imagined that if you lost 20 pounds, upgraded your job or learned French, that your life would suddenly be wonderful. What you forgot is that you can change everything about yourself, but you are still you. If you lack social and relationship skills, you will be no more popular as a size 2 than you were as a size 20.You can rearrange the window dressing, but it’s still the same house. If your resolution was purely cosmetic, you haven’t really changed anything at all.

Sometimes, the most meaningful change we can make is to accept who we already are.

December 28, 2016
Advice from the Trenches: Ghosts of Christmas

Dear C;

The holidays are in full swing and a friend of mine dropped dead just yesterday. It was a bit of a jolt, mostly because I was about to text him to see if he was playing at a local club this Thursday. I sometimes sat in and sang with his band. Then a post suddenly appeared on my message feed that he’d passed away just hours before. At first I thought it was a fake post like you sometimes see. Then his partner confirmed it. I know I should be feeling something, but I’m just numb.

I guess that my question is this: Do more people die during the holidays? I thought they hung on until after. I’m just wondering because this seems completely unreal.

Silent Carol

Dear Carol,

You’re still in shock, sweetie. Grief affects everyone differently. Sometimes there’s an immediate outpouring of sadness and loss, sometimes people get inexplicably angry and sometimes the mind goes on autopilot and the real emotions emerge later. There’s no one right way to process something like this. The fact that it happened right before Christmas is an extra blow.

This season can be tough on a lot of people, but it’s not always for the reasons that you’d think. It seems as if the pressure and expectations of the holidays would drive the weak over the edge and cause those with family to linger, but researchers in this country found that statistics tell a different story.

More people die on Christmas day, the day after Christmas or on New Year’s Day than on any other single day of the year. This is true whether it’s a result of natural causes or from cardiac disease, cancer or other fatal illnesses. Deaths are also consistent among people of all age groups, with one exception: children. Children seem to thrive during the holidays.

What’s odd is that no one can really put their finger on why this happens. It seems that stress would be an obvious answer for higher mortality rates. But when research scientists compared deaths in the general population with those of Alzheimer’s patients and other cognitively detached patients who were unaware of the holidays, the rates were the same.

Researchers also considered that colder temperatures might be responsible, but that wasn’t the case either. In fact, there were very slightly more deaths in warmer states near the Mexican border than in those near Canada. The next question was food and alcohol consumption. Perhaps indulgence caused a rise in health crises? But holiday deaths were higher even among patients who adhered to strictly supervised diets. Substance abuse and deaths from overdose? Surprisingly, these barely rose at all.

Another anomaly: Fewer people commit suicide during seasonal festivities; in fact that’s when this rate is the lowest. The homicide rate also goes down for the holidays. Go figure.

The best researchers could figure out in the end was that access to medical care might be the most common factor in all cases. People put off getting medical help because they don’t want to interrupt festivities or abandon visiting relatives. The staffing at hospitals during the holidays may also be to blame. Level One trauma centers see the greatest spike in death rates, possibly because it is here that even seconds make a difference, and the response of junior staff may not be on par with those of senior members (who are given vacation priority).

A last consideration: A lot more people set their houses on fire this time of year.

I hope that answers your question on holiday death. But let’s address the elephant in the room, Carol, before we go. This was a real kick in the teeth for you and I don’t think you’ve even started to process it.

There’s really nothing that is going to make it easier. I know psychologists have the whole process neatly listed in steps; I’ve also noticed that therapists don’t do any better with personal grief than the rest of us. But here’s what I kindly suggest: Please do not get comfortable in your coma. You need to get back into life again. This starts with an effort. Find out if there is a service. Go. Be with others who cared about him. There will probably be music.Your friend would have liked this. Cry if you need to. It’s what friends do.

But do not be silent, Carol. A musician’s life is about making a joyful noise. Sing and celebrate that. It will help.

December 21, 2016
The Kindness of Strangers

2016 has been a hell of a year. And with a Tweeting Tyrant poised to enter the White House, we totter precariously into 2017. Most of us are going to make resolutions; this is a year to make them count. If you haven’t yet made up your mind, I have a suggestion: Make a resolution to be kind.

Kindness and compassion have been sorely missing in recent years, replaced by suspicion, fear and insularity. Our health has suffered for it. Opioid addiction and drug deaths have reached historic highs, and cancer and heart disease rates are increasing. It was recently announced that the average life expectancy in the US has dropped for the first time in decades. Depression is rampant; and it is obvious we have good cause. But I think we are spending far too much time dwelling on it. We need, instead, to make an effort get our heads in a better place, and the simple act of kindness can send us in the right direction. Not only does it benefit the people around us, but the giver can get as much back as they give. There is even scientific evidence to back this up.

Human brains seem wired for kindness. When we give, the reward circuitry in our grey matter is triggered much the same as if we’d been given a bonus at work. That sense of well-being we get from being kind to others is sparked by an increase in the output of the dopamine receptors in our brains. Endogenous opioids and serotonin give us a natural high, with no pesky aftermath. We just feel better.

That emotional warmth produces its own biochemical effect; it increases oxytocin levels throughout the body, bringing a sense of well-being and in turn releasing nitric oxide, a chemical that expands the blood vessels and reduces blood pressure. Kindness not only warms hearts, it’s good for the heart. An added plus: oxytocin reduces free radicals and inflammation, major culprits in both disease and aging.

Kindness strengthens our immune systems and soothes the aches and pains in our bodies and minds. That cantankerous old coot who is incessantly bitching at the kids to get off his lawn is damaging himself more than the children. They can go play somewhere else, but he’s a nasty old coot wherever he goes and his attitude and isolation will shorten his life. Cortisol, the stress hormone, is a major contributor to myriad disorders, including premature aging.

Studies in the past 15 years have shown that those who volunteer have better health and a lower mortality rate. All it takes is 2 to 4 hours a week, probably far less time than you spend playing video games or browsing social media. Try being with actual human beings for a change! You might like it.

A study at Brown University showed that recovering alcoholics who help each other maintain a 40% sobriety rate compared to 22% for alcoholics who don’t help others. Patients with chronic pain who support each other actually decrease the intensity of their pain; and it’s non-addictive and doesn’t cost a thing.

Kindness improves relationships of all kinds. People who feel considered are more likely to consider back. Trying to win and be right doesn’t win anyone happiness. What is left to the victor after a war is spoils … not love.

Being kinder to others can help us be kinder to ourselves. While it’s true that a healthy ability to address flaws is important, we forget how important it can be to forgive ourselves, and others, for not being perfect. Life is for living and learning, not for standing on a pedestal or preening in endless selfies.

Right now, there are a lot of wounded people in this world. People who have been hurt are like animals that have been hurt: they can be dangerous. They snap and snarl without thought or reason. They harbor resentment and bottle it up, exploding in ways that hurt everyone around them. Simple acts of kindness can reach some wounds that nothing else can heal.

There’s not much we can do to effect change on a global level, but each of us can make our own worlds a little better. We have already tried arguing, judging and throwing up walls. Let’s try something new: Let’s put a little love in our hearts. I’d like to close with a quote from Robert Michaels: “I don’t care if you’re black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. Simple as that.”

December 14, 2016
Advise from the Trenches: Mean Girls

Dear C;

When I was in high school, I was tormented by four girls. They formed a club, and even had monogrammed matching satin jackets. I was sort of friends with them, until one day when Top Girl decided I was flirting with her boyfriend. He smiled at me … and all I did was smile back! Suddenly they all turned on me like a pack of dogs. I couldn’t eat lunch without getting food thrown at me. They wrote nasty things on my locker and started rumors that I was a slut who put out for anyone. I was afraid to walk down the hall; it seemed everyone was staring and whispering. It was so traumatizing that I spent my final year doing nothing but hiding in my room after school, reading and eating my way to blimphood.

My parents sent me to a therapist, which was probably a good thing. I’ve done pretty well since I graduated. All the reading I did got me a scholarship to a really good university two states away. After grad school, I found a great, high-paying job and shed my shyness along with the 35 lbs I’d gained.

Then yesterday, out of the blue I got a letter from my old high school announcing our 10-year reunion. At first, it was an unpleasant shock. But now I’m thinking about going. I feel confident enough that I’m curious to see where everyone else ended up. I’m also thinking about those awful girls. In movies, you always see someone confront a bully from the past and make an empowering speech. I’m thinking of confronting those girls and making them face what they did. What do you think of the idea?

Veronica Vigilante

Dear Vigilante;

Quite honestly, I’d like to burn every movie that has that scene in it. The great thing about movies is that they can create any reality they want to, because the actors have to follow the script. Movies about bullies usually include a dramatic climax in which the victim makes a grand statement, then watches with dignity as the abuser slinks off in shame and remorse. Alas, it is a fantasy. In life, no one follows the script the way they’re supposed to.

First, this ain’t a reality show. It’s your high school reunion. Other people came here to have fun and party. This matter between you and your bullies is personal. Unless you want to become the floor show for an audience of cheering drunks, this should be your last choice of venues for soul baring and rebirth.

Next: Do you want to present yourself as a strong confident woman? Then walk in and act like one. A really confident woman doesn’t need validation from others. If you start talking about how much you were hurt in the past, you are going to look like someone who just couldn’t get over it.

Reason # 3: You will never get an admittance of guilt in front of an audience. If these girls are still mean-spirited bitches, they will be wily and defensive; no one likes to have their nose rubbed in something that happened 10 years ago, especially a bully. In a desire to maintain top dog position, they will likely try turn your “self-affirming” experience into a nightmare of humiliation for you all over again. Sound like fun?

Reason #4: This was a life-altering experience for you, but for them, it could have been business as usual, just one in a long string of petty, spiteful acts. They may not even know what you’re talking about, which could make your heroic speech fall rather flat.

Lastly, if these girls have evolved enough to feel bad about what they did, they don’t need any lectures from you. Going after them would turn you into a bully.

So here’s my advice: Go to your reunion. But go like a happy, successful person who’s there to see old familiar faces; don’t go like some mental patient seeking redemption. A lot of years have gone by and people have moved on. Yesterday’s scandal is today’s yawn. Just smile. Start talking. Take it from there. You have no idea how people may or may not have changed, what memories were kept and which were thrown away. We all tend to remember what we want to.

Let it go. You have a great new life. Why drag this old garbage back into it?

December 7, 2016
Give the Gift of Health

Want to give the gift of health this holiday season? Great idea! But first, a word of caution: There are some pitfalls you’ll want to avoid. I remember the year that I gave “Recipes For a Leaner You” to a friend at work. She’d been complaining incessantly about her weight and I thought she’d appreciate the thought. Instead she took it as an insult. “Why don’t you just say I’m FAT???” she sniffed.

First tip on healthy gift giving? Let people come to grips with their personal flaws in their own time. It may be obvious to you that your buddy Paul needs some insight after his break-up, but giving him a self help book is bound to backfire. One year, a guy gave me 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives after my divorce and I just wanted to smack him one. Even if it was true. So, unless self-exploration and health maintenance are already part of someone’s lifestyle, save the therapy and gym memberships for another time. Think “pamper” instead. I defy anyone to be insulted by healthy and natural luxury items. They are usually made of the best quality ingredients on the market.

Let’s start with the bath. No one is going to shriek, “Are you telling me I SMELL?” if you give the gift of organic lotions or fragrant gels and bubbles. For the price conscious, I recommend browsing Vitacost.com, where deep discounts are available every day on the best healthy beauty and personal care products for men and women. Their shipping is super fast, and comes free with any order over $49.

A quick search on Amazon will take you to hundreds of intriguing products, from Dead Sea spa baskets to hemp fabric lounge wear. Just type in “all natural” before your keyword, and you can scroll through options that will work for anyone on your list. Have a teen in your life? Protect them from potential hearing loss with volume limiting earbuds that come in a rainbow of colors. Want to do a sloth-like relative a favor? You can find great dance and movement video games that will make your gift seem like party time, not punishment.

For those on your list who have already committed to holistic practices, the sky is the limit, although your budget may not be. Some very reasonable options I found are: the Danskin Now Yoga Kit, the Oster 250-Watt Blender and Sports Bottle in one, the Black Mountain Products Resistance Band Set, and the Safety 1st Ultrasonic 360-Degree Humidifier. For the hard core health fanatic in your life, visit kombuchabrooklyn.com for the Kombucha home brew kit. This fermented tea drink is said to help with digestion, sleep and detoxification. What health nut doesn’t love a good detox?

Now, on to a group that you should have no problem shopping for: the foodies in your life. For them, the choices abound. I found some great new sites catering to healthy lifestyles that are a food lover’s paradise. For an enticing array of gift baskets personalized for every food sensitivity from dairy to gluten, check out happyhealthygifts.com. How about a healthy snacks care package for the serious junk food affectionados? A lot of people eat crap simply because they never bothered to try the more wholesome alternatives. Check out naturebox.com. Who wouldn’t want to receive a monthly surprise of such delicacies as sriracha roasted cashews, vanilla bean wafers, salt and pepper pistachios, or dark cocoa almonds? And my old favorite, Vitacost, has a selection of healthy snacks at very affordable prices.

What apartment-bound gourmet wouldn’t love to receive the Indoor Culinary Herb Garden Starter Kit? It comes with an assortment of seeds (like parsley, thyme, and cilantro) for the goodness of fresh herbs in cooking. And for gadget loving foodies, check out the oil sprayers at williams-sonoma.com. These allow healthy eaters to spritz a fine cooking spray with their own canola, hemp or extra virgin olive oil. And the Cuisinart Smart Stick Hand Blender is perfect for making smoothies or purées for gourmet soups.

But let’s not forget that winter is also a time of visits to the ER from overexertion and sprained backs. Show the shovelers in your life that you care with an ergonomic snow shovel. The 18-Inch Suncast SC3250 Shovel with Ergonomic Handle is a wonderful option.

This year, give a gift of health that no one will try to return the next day. And when those litanies of January resolutions begin and everyone wants to get serious, get those self help books ready. This is one of the few times they won’t come flying back at your head.

Love and joy to you all!

November 30, 2016
Advice from the Trenches: Trump Trouble

Dear C;

I am still in a state of shock after the election. That first day I felt disbelief, then sank into a dark depression. After listening to Hillary’s concession speech, I felt comforted by her optimism and positive attitude. Then I went into a state of denial. Now I am newly filled with horror as I watch Trump’s cabinet fill.

I don’t know why, but this election has affected me worse than my last relationship break-up. It’s like watching a political version of Streetcar Named Desire. The Stanleys of the world once again managed to strap poor Blanche into a straight jacket and haul her out of the picture. Got any ideas on how to cope?

Stella Stunned

Dear Stella;

I’ve noticed that a lot of people are taking this election upset personally. It threw us all for a loop.

I think that women have been affected in a very deep way. The female sector stood behind Hillary in far greater numbers. We were counting on her to set the stage for equality in this country. How many times have all of us worked our butts off to reach a goal we were well qualified for, only to see it snatched from us by some guy who should have been waiting five years behind us? Watching Hillary go down on that last night was like a post traumatic repeat of every disappointment and unfair loss that women and minorities have ever faced. She won the popular vote, and the bastards still wouldn’t let her in.

I can’t say, “Don’t worry! Everything will be fine,” because a cold wind of fear exhales its sour breath throughout the land even as I write. Immigrants are nervous as hell. Students are staging walk-outs; citizens have taken to the streets in a frustrated show of unity over incredulous loss.

Like you, I’ve gone through stages. My first attempt at optimism was this: Trump’s own party is not behind him in his more extreme beliefs; he’s going to be surrounded at all times by a team of advisors who will stop him from acting like a boneheaded teen with an overactive Twitter account. Alas someone did talk him out of acting on his sweeping declarations to toss Obamacare out on its nose, but now that the inner advisory circle is forming, like you, my optimism is fading. The crew he is assembling stinks of bigotry, nepotism and intolerance. Trump could simply become a more sophisticated and presidential sociopath with the very best sharp, ruthless people working for him.

However, I do know this: Elections and campaigns come and go, presidents come and go. What can be accomplished depends so much on things we do not see. Behind the scenes there is probably a vast and well-oiled machine in operation with producers who view the comings and goings of national figureheads as dispassionately as they would the casting and tossing of reality show contestants. The visible crew are, to quote Poe, “mere puppets, they, who come at go at bidding of vast formless things that shift the scenery to and fro.” So perhaps having a braying donkey in the White House won’t affect things as much as we fear. And let’s look at the bright side — Trump can still be fired. If people continue to resist and pick apart the guy’s life, they may eventually find something to impeach him with. It’s a cheerful, warm thought, except it would leave us with Pence, a Christian Right who scares me almost more than Trump does.

There is one silver lining to be had. Now we know what we are dealing with. Those Trump supporters were always there, silently waiting for a charismatic leader to pull them out of the dark. There are people in this country who are so desperate for CHANGE that they are willing to take a quick detour through Hell, via Trump’s hot air hand basket, to get there. Up until now, we have been a country of suppression, discontent and disenchantment. Now we are shouting out loud.

There’s a lot we can’t control here. But there are some things we can.

This is the time to take our future into our own hands. We can sob, bitch or snarl about the election, but that just feeds the Hate Machine. It is always better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. Tonight on the news I heard Mayor Elorza of Providence pledge allegiance with other officials across the country who have already vowed that their cities will remain sanctuaries for immigrants. Brown University made the headlines with protests. This is no time to quit. In RI, our very state motto is “Hope.”

So that’s my advice to you, Stella. Hope.

And enjoy the holidays.

November 23, 2016