How to Stay Cool (Without Losing Your Pants)

Remaining comfy in these summertime months should really be a snap – if only we were allowed to take off our pants. Apparently my life-long ambition to live in a treehouse (think Rivendell) wherein my mandated dress code of “pants are optional” is far from an accepted reality. Oh well. As a result of all these imbecilic societal norms that have continually forced me to keep them on (in public), here is a quick list of places to go and things to do when you just can’t seem to shake those sweats:

  1. Liquor Store – Seek those with large walk-in beer coolers and continually nag their stockers about hard-to-find suds. And then just keep poking around until they kick you out. Three Ring Liquors on Plainfield St in PVD is actually one of the few LQs in the area that carries Genesee Cream Ale. Who knew? Not to mention their walk-in is GINORMOUS.
  2. College Library – Because their foundations are traditionally constructed beneath the surface of the ground in order to protect against natural disaster (I think I just made that up), the first floor can often serve host to not only an impressive reference section, but also some certifiably chilly common areas where you can just hang. Added bonus, you will probably be all alone because it’s summer and duh, that means school is out. So don’t expect to catch a free show from any exhibitionistic web-camming co-eds, you creep!
  3. VFW Post – When they are not (et-hem) not bathing in the low water pressure of their condo in Florida, what do elderly war vets enjoy doing more than anything? Complaining about the snow. And when it’s mid-July and there is clearly not a flake to be found, where then do they bring their retired ruckus?  Toward the heat, of course. As a result, you best believe those ACs blast on high in the place that they spend more hours of their day than they did when they actually worked. Try the Kelley-Gazzerro Post #2812 on Plainfield St. This time it is Plainfield St, Cranston (even though it feels like Johnston).
  4. Banquet Facility – I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I know they keep these places frosty, right through winter. Take for instance the Rhode Islander-coveted Wrights Farm. From the gift shop to the rear room, the insides of those walls are always as icy as the bottom of one of their Shirley Temples.
  5. Gentlemen’s Club – I can’t explain why there are so many strippies in our small state, scratch that, city. Ok, so you have to pay an overpriced two-drink minimum, but guess what? They get it … no pants.