Phillipe & Jorge

Phillipe & Jorge: Tips for nips and soup nazis

In the Nip of Time

As observers of the current scene with the highest credentials, Phillipe & Jorge are well aware of today’s legislative priorities: climate change; racial (in)justice; childhood poverty; insider deals; and political corruption, to name just a few.

But we must also remark that in our learned opinion, one of the key legislative issues that faces all Vo Dislunders today: that of Democratic state representative David Bennett of Warwick’s bill to halt the sales of “nip” bottles of alcohol. (Think airplane flights. You’re welcome.) That is because he has seen many littering his neighborhood.

As the preposterous saying goes, “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people.” Well, nips don’t litter; people litter. Got that?

Perhaps Rep. Bennett has had a nip problem in his past? Why this assault on drinkers who aren’t shopping the liquor store aisles looking for expensive and exotic Burgundy bottles or Pappy Van Winkle’s three-digit-dollars fifths of bourbon? Instead, Bennett is putting forth his bill because of littering, trash which he believes is primarily nips.

Nips are a staple of liquor stores, hardly Big Biz, but relied upon − some owners say up to 20 percent − for their sales. Many are conveniently located right next to the cash register, in the way supermarkets have candy bars and gum right on your way out, for those spur of the moment sales; in this case front-loading for a big party or date.

And nips are cheap, about $1 a pop, which make them very valuable to folks who can’t and probably shouldn’t opt for a hip-sized half-pint of vodka. Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker, as the saying goes. So those most affected will be package store owners, through no fault of their own.

We suggest that if Rep. Bennett is a true crusader against litter, he take on the fast-food outlets whose empty wrappers and cups are omnipresent in streets and parking lots … and see how quickly he’s staring down the barrels of the white-shoe lawyers from those industries. C’mon, tough guy, you go first.

This bill is, on the face of it, laughable. But who says surrealism and silliness are dead on Smith Hill? Shot, please, no chaser.  Rep. Bennett will be cleaning up afterward.

GOP Word Play

Ya gotta love the wonderful way members of the Trump-ass-kissing Republican Party use the English language. 

Who else could spout mind-altering stuff that, on the bright side, leaves Phillipe & Jorge on the floor laughing and in disbelief at what comes out of the mouths of these frothing idiots without any filter to avoid sounding barking mad, from folks who otherwise think “dumb” doesn’t have a “b” at the end. (Tip o’ the beret and sombrero to Dan Quayle, who was way out in front on this defining scenario years ago.) So we have fun.

The first howling instance came when Georgia’s U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene said that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was siccing the authorities on people who refused to wear masks in a way reminiscent of the “Gazpacho police” of Nazi Germany. Er, uno momento, Senorita Marge, those Aryans were the “Gestapo,” and probably would have also sent any Spanish chilled soup chefs to the ovens, Jewish or not, but close enough for your fascist friends. Oh, never mind. 

This woman is even stupider than Sarah Palin, if you can believe that (or is it possible?). But keep an eye on that cilantro to habanero balance, boys and girls, or Pelosi’s storm troopers will be on your ass. (Oh yeah, we almost forgot to mention queen of the inbred crackers Rep. Gazpacho is also the one who said the California fires this year were started by lasers from space. “That proves it,” by P&J’s long-established Plan 9 from Outer Space credentials.)

Part 2 – Now we had the Republican National Committee saying that the January 6 insurrection at the Capitol building was “legitimate political discourse.”  Well, perhaps the Capitol Police and other authorities who were injured or died afterward might like to have a say about this “discourse.” This was so offensive and crude that even the wattled and bourbon-soaked old grifter Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell condemned this stance by the GOP. But P&J can hardly wait to see how the Republican Trump butt-boys and girls deal with this in the upcoming mid-year elections.

Now here is “legitimate political discourse” from your Casa Diablo geniuses: The Republican Party is a gutless, brainless, destructive bane on America. Suck on our discourses. Legitimately. 

Words to Live By

“Oh, those Americans − the repose, the calm, they know it not.” – Hercule Poirot in Agatha Christie’s The Mystery of the Blue Train.

“(You want) Heineken?! Heineken?!?! PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!” – Dennis Hopper’s drug-crazed psychopath Frank Booth, counseling Kyle MacLachlan’s character on his beer of choice in the legendary David Lynch film Blue Velvet.