Opinion

Tune Your Televisions To: Your superior correspondents announce a new broadcast extravaganza

Required Viewing

Phillipe and Jorge are extremely excited about the offer by as yet-to-be-revealed local TV station to host a mid-morning talk and variety show, “The Cool, Cool World.” This high-end production has already been tabbed “the most exciting viewing in Rhode Island” by one of Little Rhody’s leading magazines (Motif) who hope truth in advertising laws will not enter into the conversation.

But P&J are at liberty to divulge the proposed format of “Cool, Cool World” just to give a taste of what is to come when this half-hour extravaganza hits the air in the near future.

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10:00am – 10:03am: P&J open with a free-wheeling and witty exchange of spontaneous observations and bon mots that we have been rehearsing for three hours ahead of time in the dressing room.

10:03am – 10:20am: A stream of pitches featuring personal injury attorney ads featuring at least five different ambulance chasers; four drugs for senior citizens in which death is mentioned as a possible side effect; three mattress/furniture stores; four auto dealerships whose owners have no shame about appearing in their own commercials; and countless trailers for TVs and movies that won’t be released for three months.

10:20am – 10:25am – P&J excitedly introduce the weather report, in which ace meteorologists tell you what it is like outside in case you live in a windowless house or apartment, while instructing what your children should wear to the bus stop, that vehicle having departed two hours ago. This is augmented by traffic reports for which the commuter rush hour ceased three hours prior.

10:25am – 10:30am – BREAKING NEWS! Lost dog found in Tiverton. (Insert name here) council member from (insert city or town here) found guilty of embezzlement. Car drives through 7-11 storefront. Two-truck crash in Salt Lake City.  Meghan and Harry eat breakfast.

10:30am – 10:35am – P&J interview economic “expert,” whose financial institution happens to be a sponsor of “Cool, Cool World,” in a mind-numbing piece of gibberish while your hosts valiantly try to stay conscious.

10:35am – 10:52am – Same ads as in 10:03am, but this this time acknowledging at bottom the claims are “compensated dramatizations” in 6-point type – meaning actors – at bottom of fake reality portrayers. 

10:52am – 10:54am – Pre-packaged interview with a C-list celebrity with even the vaguest ties to The Biggest Little, such as getting lost in Westerly while searching for Foxwoods, is presented as though it should be on national broadcasts.

10:54am – 10:56am – Canned medical advice, conveniently provided by another of the show’s sponsors, warns you about not licking toads.

10:56am – 11:00am — Grand Finale – P&J regale you with more witty repartee and beg you not to trash us on social media until we can pick up at least one paycheck.

So keep your eyes out for Phillipe and Jorge’s “Cool, Cool World” on your local TV channel provided you’re still using rabbit ears to see the show. To be our typically shy and humble selves, we must admit we smell Emmy.

A Small Favor

Now that Demi Lovato has officially been named as the performer who will sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl on February 2, may P & J please make this small request: please, please, please sing the song just as it is written, without feeling the need to show your range of octaves, the number of trills you can fit in, and, hopefully, remember the words.

What has now become the football equivalent of “American Idol” sucks on a number of levels, perhaps the worst being the inability of the crowd to join in until “…the land of the free, and the home of the brave,” is usually drowned out by screams and whistles from the spectators. What would be more appropriate and appreciated – and patriotic, we may add – is a rendition that everyone in attendance, from the tone deaf to opera divas, knows the tune, the cadence and the lyrics, and in full cry would be cranking out the heartfelt gusto the Super Bowl producers have been trying for and missing atrociously for years. (Love that fake ‘ute audience dancing on the field at halftime, don’t you?)

As a prime example, one needs only look at the famed Liverpool Football Club in England. While not forgoing a garage-size brass band playing “God Save the Queen” prior to kickoff, when Liverpool hits the field at Anfield, their home stadium, 60,000 full-throated loyal supporters, are on their feet, swaying and waving red and white scarves, and singing the club’s famous theme song, “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” If that doesn’t make your heart beat triple time, you are in need of a new ticker.

Of note – All English teams have their own theme songs, although “You’ll Never Walk Alone” is now legendary.  Another English team from East London, West Ham United, who P. supported when he lived there, has as its vocal badge, “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles.” Take that as you will, but the Cockneys do have a good and decidedly bizarre sense of humor and the double entendre

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