Phillipe and Jorge are furious about President Pussy’s recent Twitter outburst against MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough, calling the former, essentially, a stupid, lunatic, facially altered twat, and the latter a psychopath.
What has us seeing red is that we haven’t been the target of one of the Orange Orangutan’s immature attacks, as we have tried our best to run this insane, narcissistic moron into the ground since he took office, and we would enjoy the national exposure guaranteed by this barking mad imbecile sending out a tweet in an attempt to humiliate us. Our saying recently that his Native American name was “Walking Eagle,” because he’s so full of shit he can’t fly, should have at least warranted a nasty rebuke, which we are sure would have included an inadvertent, heavy-handed, sure-to-offend reference on his part to “redskins” or scalping.
Fortunately, when someone goes after us personally, we suavely and icily offer the retort, “We’ve been called worse things by better people, thank you very much,” guaranteed to put the offending scalawag in his or her place.
While Mika and Joe are certainly easy targets for ridicule by anyone who has watched their “Morning Joe” show, and their not very subtle allusions to the fact that the current resident of the White House would be much more suited for living in a room with “Mother” at the Bates Motel, this diatribe prompts a couple of important questions regarding The Donald’s living embodiment of two-assholes-in-one-pair-of-pants state of affairs.
First, why is this blubbery clown watching morning chat shows on TV instead of trying to run the country, like attending an early hours national security briefing or the like? Even wriggling into his Buster Crabbe rubber undershirt to hold in his flabby gut and Spanx for Men to disguise his huge ass would be a more productive use of his time. Second, who gives a shit what Mika and Joe think?
Melania came to her despised hubby’s defense through a spokesperson, saying that when he is attacked he will “punch back 10 times harder.” But honey, c’mon, that’s supposed to apply to other countries, terrorist groups and/or their leaders (except Vladdie, natch), not a pair of bubbleheaded talking hairdos. So cut the Rosa Klebb act, Mel.
But we must admit that President Crybaby has indeed found his milieu in Twitter. It is the perfect communications medium for someone with a 500-word vocabulary, tech-limited to 140 characters. Even then, now that he has overworked “SAD!” and “BAD!” he can’t come up with anything better than “Crazy” Mika, she of the “low IQ” (and what is yours, Donnie the Genius, all money riding on low double digits), and didn’t we already go down that path with “Crazy Hillary”? Think, man, think, if that’s possible while you are sitting close to the TV screen, transfixed by Fox News, gaping in wonder like an Amish boy seeing a Ferris wheel for the first time.
The new professional liar and affront to the truth at the podium, the unspeakable Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who has supplanted Little Rhody’s own obnoxious walking joke, Sean “Melissa” Spicer, talks about people having to have respect for the office. Perhaps that will come when her childish, thin-skinned boss shows the same respect for the dignity and importance of his position, instead of embarrassing himself, and by extension, the entire country, with his frothing hissy fits.
Now spinning in their graves like industrial lathes, we present the Founding Fathers.
A Tip of the Sombrero
Bridge to Nowhere
A hearty and lengthy Phillipe and Jorge shout-out to anyone who endured the recent weeks of construction on the Newport Bridge for not pulling out a wonderfully legal assault rifle and shooting up cars, toll booths and fellow drivers while stuck for ages in traffic.
The span is officially known as the Claiborne Pell Newport Bridge, which may have given pause to the late and legendary U.S. senator and Newport resident if he had foreseen the the anger and irritation the construction generated among motorists with essentially no other way to get from the East Bay to the West Bay and vice versa while the repairs to the bridge deck took place. It gives a ring of affirmation to the notorious former Boston Mayor James Curley’s insightful statement that the best way to get back at your political enemies was to name a public building after them.
While every media outlet referred to the delays on the bridge, few mentioned the fact that the reduction to single lanes in both directions, and siphoning of traffic through the reconfigured and compacted toll plazas, led to daily mile-long backups on the streets of Newport and Jamestown that affected even the local traffic for nearly hours during rush hour. P&J, who frequently use the bridge, came over at 6am on a recent weekday en route from Newport to Providence trying to avoid a snarl, and were astounded to see the traffic heading the other way was already backed up and inching forward (at best) more than half a mile before the toll plaza on Route 138. A friend of P&J’s who owns a Newport business said he gave two of his employees who live in South County freedom to come to work at 5:30am and leave at 2pm to minimize the damage done to their commute time and mental health.
This fiasco reminded P&J of when we spent time in Jakarta, Indonesia’s huge capital. Our colleagues informed us that the hideous traffic there, which had a firsthand impact on most all workers, who could not afford to live in the city and took buses, came down to an equation of every 5 minutes spent at the job after the 5pm closing time resulted in an extra half hour of travel home. No wonder Indonesians are credited with inventing the portable and discreetly usable — by both men and women — plastic urine bottle.
As the construction is set to renew again on September 19, visitors and tourists, as well as the locals, can now enjoy only the presence of Newport’s unofficial greeters at the end of the bridge ramps, ie, the self-described homeless, addicted or indigent, holding signs begging for money. What great ambassadors to welcome folks to the wondrous City by the Sea.
One small request by Phillipe and Jorge: When the construction resumes in September, that Governor Gigi, RI Turnpike and Bridge Authority chairman Buddy Croft, and DOT director Peter Alviti get behind the wheel of their own cars — no drivers other than yourselves, please — and try to make your way across the bridge during morning rush hour from North Kingstown to Jamestown to Newport, and then take the reverse leg that afternoon at 5pm. Oh, and since you are all well aware of the hazards of distracted driving, even at a half a mile per hour, no using cell phones in the car to conduct business or make personal calls, please. And have a ball, kids.
Sleep tight, Claiborne. It isn’t your fault.