Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: RNC on TeeVee

Republican Convention — Must See TV

As longtime party planners, Phillipe and Jorge were of course consulted by lying Philistine blowhard Donald Trump for what sort of program he should put on at the GOP convention, which starts right after the Cool, Cool World goes to print.

But we can share what we think the Cheeto-skinned narcissist is planning to do that will reflect his wonderful sense of taste and decorum, of which being fascinated by dick jokes is an appropriate example.

Unfortunately, either because they weren’t invited or turned down Dumpf’s offer (no, that can’t be right), we will not see some of The Donald’s most avid supporters, such as youth abuser and anger management patient Bobby Knight, erstwhile murderer and crooked fight promoter Don King, or God-botherer and failed NFL quarterback Tim Tebow. (And thank all gods Trump’s declared “friend” Tom Brady made certain to let his fans know he was having no part of this hot mess that would have stained his reputation in New England forever.)

But, it appears that the pesky “party” is horning in on the fab plans. The latest (as of the Motif deadline) has it that Mitch “Dr. No” McConnell, “Lyin” Ted Cruz and “Mr. Conflicted,” Paul Ryan, will all be speaking at this bow wow pow wow. Surefire crowd-pleasers whose names were floated as potential speakers. And Ultimate Fighting Championship President, Dana White (to give it that “Idiocracy” mood); underwear model, Antonio Sabato, Jr.; pro golfer, Natalie Gublis; Gary Busey; Meatloaf and Jerry Falwell, Jr. will get speaking parts so, you can expect a lot of policy-wonk prescriptions from the stage.

We will also be privileged to see the much-ballyhooed Trump Family on Parade, which is sort of like a modern day remake of Tod Browning’s epic movie Freaks, just not as funny or entertaining. But wait, there’s more! They are going to speak! (Sadly, not just bark, as is normal.) We will have the mail order Eurotrash current wife, a Fellatio Alger story who is perhaps the best argument for The Donald’s stricter immigration practices, and daughter Ivanka, the talented designer famed for her highly flammable and Made in China scarves that had to be pulled off the market.  “But hey,” shouts Daddy, “She married a Jew!”

And let us not forget Old Possum Head’s sons, two dim-witted, pomaded mannequins who manage to be even more unctuous than their father, but snap to attention any time Pops snaps his fingers and tells them what to say. You can count on their speeches to be the epitome of offspring sincerity and love of parent.

Since Trump loves to boast about his being the chief lecher of the Miss Universe contest, and to part from the political tedium of the convention, we will have the highlight of a bathing suit competition, replete with every porn star his sons can manage to pay off. And in a wicked but inspired and creative twist to the Miss Universe contest motif, will have c-list celebs like Chuck Norris, Mike Tyson and Janet Jackson explain in 60 seconds how they would bring peace to the world.  Hey, beats Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair, right?

It will be huuuuge! It will be the biggest convention ever, with all the best words ever, and many, many people will tell The Donald it is the most fantastic show they have ever, ever seen. The slight drawback is that everyone who attends this House of Horrors in Cleveland will have so much crap, filth and grease caking them by the time they leave they couldn’t get it off by walking through a car wash. Twice. Ah yes, the orange-haired showman in promising some sort of show for “his” Republican National Convention.

The Earl of Grantham Meets Luca Brasi

When one thinks of Little Rhody’s elite Democrats, one’s thoughts go to the likes of Governor Gigi, Senators Sherbet Whitebread and “Little Big Man” Jack Reed, and other big-money donors swanning around at fundraisers in East Greenwich with their Hillary buttons proudly affixed to their cocktail dresses and blue blazers, commenting on the excellent wine and delightful smoked striper pate.

But the real Biggest Little Democratic party is run by abhorrent thugs and bagmen like House Speaker “Thick Nick” Mattiello and his toady, party Chairman Rep. Joe McNamara (D-Warwick), who you wouldn’t let anywhere near your family or your wallet.

Think of “Downton Abbey” vis-à-vis The Godfather and you pretty much have the whole picture when it comes to how the Dems roll in Rhody.

This was made quite apparent recently when McNamara, Thick Nick’s toady, gave the official party endorsement to an unknown and first-time office seeker James Cawley in Portsmouth in his house primary race versus Linda Finn, who had previously held the seat, and was once again running for it.

The “Democratic leadership” in the house must think that the voters are all morons. In an article in The Urinal last week, Kathy “Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill” Gregg, reporting on the turbulence in the Democratic party, wrote that when asked by Gregg why he was endorsing Cawley, McNamara responded, “We thought he fit the district a little better in terms of his business background.” (By the way, both McNamara and Cawley acknowledge that they have never met each other.)

Finn then responded to McNamara’s statement with, “Interesting he would say that. I was in the financial services business for about 16 years … then had my own company, Linda Finn Landscape Design, for 13 years. (I closed it last year).”

Could it possibly be that Finn’s staunch support of gun control legislation may have something to do with the members of the party leadership’s refusal to support her? We know that Joey boy and Speaker Mattiello are both big time whores for NRA funding, so you be the judge of that.

Phillipe and Jorge feel bad about James Cawley, with whom both Sylvia and Finn said they had no quarrel, seeing him as a pawn who had no control over the state’s decision. He told the media, “I’m just as confused as anyone. I think it’s politics as usual in Rhode Island. It’s kind of shocking that I became a part of that.”

Well, Mr. Cawley, if you do get elected because of the Mattiello/McNamara formal endorsement, here’s how it works when you get to the State House: Go up to Mattiello’s office on the third floor; drop your trousers and BVDs; bend over the desk; and the Speaker will be with you shortly. And remember to say, “Thank you.”