Goodbye – and Good Riddance
Phillipe and Jorge were sad to see that Newport’s most famous gigolo, Claus von Bulow, popped his clogs the other day at age 96. Not because if there was a God, the alleged murdering s.o.b. should have died long ago, but because he was a source of vast entertainment and column fodder for your superior correspondents in years past.
For the ‘utes of today, P&J at the time pointed out (as did many others) that Claus attached the “von” to his name to give him added cachet on the Eurotrash circuit, leading von Phillipe and von Jorge to give everyone involved in his murder trials with that phony-baloney international high-society door-opener. In a nutshell, “von” Bulow, wed to filthy rich heiress “Sunny,” was accused of murdering her with overdoses of insulin. He was convicted, but in a second sensationalist trial, was acquitted. Right.
At any rate, both trials held Little Rhody in thrall for months at a time, despite the heinous nature of the crime. And doing our part as always, P&J tastefully suggested that the trials’ theme song be Johnny “The African Queen” Mathis’ rendition of “When Sunny Gets Blue.” But of course that would be wrong in so many ways. (Did it anyway. Ha!)
Local media, especially The Urinal, have a long history of finding any and all possible ties to the Biggest Little by anyone in the news. In some cases, just someone with name recognition driving through Little Rhody en route to the Cape merits mention, as though they were the state’s favorite son or daughter.
So with the women’s soccer World Cup beginning in France, Phillipe and Jorge are shocked to find that local newspapers and TV stations have failed to realize the connection to one of the women’s team’s stars, Tobin Heath. The local attachment has not only been ignored, but totally overlooked instead of being glorified, since her parents and uncle reside in Jamestown.
Perhaps this is just the usual dismissal of women’s soccer. But it is also missing the chance to hook the Vo Dilun bandwagon up to one of the team’s top players, and arguably one of the best female players in the world, who touched the athletic Holy Grail by being in the background on the cover of the most recent edition of Sports Illustrated and who is playing on a team favored to win the World Cup. We would assume this would produce old photos from her childhood being flashed about, an interview with the parents watching a match on TV, and having some French stringer do an on-site interview with Tobin about her views on clam cakes and chowder and the Superman building, even if she a) hasn’t a clue, and b) doesn’t understand what the media hack said in French.
Admittedly, Tobin has risen to stardom in absentia from the Biggest Little, but that has never stopped any namedroppers in the past. Phillipe & Jorge are quite upset by this, and recommend that The Urinal’s executive editor Alan Rosenberg immediately resign for this flagrant breach of Little Rhody media tradition. (Just kidding Alan, we love you. And Gatehouse Media will probably take care of jettisoning you in the immediate future, since you actually do have a record of highly competent service, which is the kiss of death in today’s pigpen market. There is one other option, but we’re not sure what the minimum wage in Rhody is these days.)
Phillipe & Jorge make it a point to be properly color-coordinated in our wardrobes (and makeup) when we step out of Casa Diablo each day.
So we have to grudgingly give some credit to our President Groper, who seems to be way ahead of the game in anticipating this refined look. Besides the preposterous pouffie yellow hairdo and his Cheeto-colored fake tan, The Donald was obviously thinking ahead to when he is removed from office after the 2020 election, knowing he will most likely be sporting an orange jumpsuit at Leavenworth once his executive privilege and protection vanishes. Goes well with both the coif and the skin colorizing. But P&J prefer that instead of calling it a jumpsuit, it be referred to as a cover-up, which would fit perfectly into the web of lies that is woven around his entire life.
If you’re a fish lover with an adventurous spirit and an eye to future eating habits, may Phillipe & Jorge recommend a splendid new tome that is a cookbook with a huge educational component. It is called Simmering the Sea: Diversifying Cookery to Sustain Our Fisheries. It was produced by a tiny little nonprofit named Eating with the Ecosystem, along with the URI Graduate School of Oceanography, and besides having excellent illustrations by Lea Tirmant-Desoyen and recipes by chef Rizwan Ahmed, gives great explanations — or raises questions — about why Vo Dilunders ignore much of what is caught that we never end up eating. These include everything from periwinkles to dogfish, which prepared properly are a seafood lover’s treat. It doesn’t just have to be lobster, cod, clams and scallops all the time, kids, there is a wealth of other great options being totally ignored. So go get a copy of Simmering the Sea from your favorite book purveyor, it’s more than worth the money.
(In the interest of full disclosure, Phillipe has been active with Eating with the Ecosystem and the book’s authors to draw attention to this very good literary and culinary effort. And displaying his usual acumen in financial affairs, he was paid in fish. But damn good fish and fresh off the local boats, he might add.)
Kudos & Congrats