Through our 38 years of writing the Cool, Cool World, people have chided Phillipe and Jorge for having the easiest job in the world, given the constant fodder being presented to us by the gaggle of imbeciles and well-dressed crooks at the General Assembly, the Crimetown-worthy operations of local city and town councils, and whatever aberration is in residence at the White House.
But the Donald Duck Dynasty crew now in power in Washington is giving us fits. Since the Cool, Cool World has its deadline four days before it is published, it has become virtually impossible to remain topical, given the disaster-a-day work of President Pussy and his Tweets, and the incompetent, shameless and unspeakable horde of creeps, sycophants and barking mad poseurs he has surrounded himself with at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Write about the James Comey firing? Why bother? Because by the time you see this column, the pride of Barrington, Sean Spicer, will likely have shot a dog during a press briefing, or the hideous Sarah Huckabee Sanders will have leaped from podium and ripped out the throat of a reporter with her teeth, afterward grinning like a rabid baboon through the blood covering her face and saying “Next question?” Or her boss, the Orange Orangutan, will have declared that Stephen Colbert, Chuck Schumer and Hillary Clinton are in a clandestine BDSM relationship, because “many people have told me that.”
So while P&J can’t possibly be relevant by press time about the Comey scandal cum fiasco, we just hope this is yet another nail in the coffin of our Lying Leader, soon to be tightly secured and lowered into the figurative political ground, as the Donald screams, “How do you like me now?”
Spinning like industrial lathes in their graves, we give you the Founding Fathers.
After disparaging his predecessor, Barack Obama, for playing golf about every other month while in office, our own liar-in-chief President Dumpf(uck) is getting in an average of about a round per week as he avoids the real world.
Phillipe and Jorge’s golfing buddies around the state are on tippy-toes waiting for the first person who has played golf with Donald (Duck!) to spill the beans on just how he manages to adhere to the famed rules of a sport based on individual honesty, bringing true value to the old adage that integrity is how you act when no one else is looking.
This makes golf a tough proposition for ego-obsessed politicians. Kim Jong-Un tried out the game once and his office famously issued a press release afterward that said he had a hole-in-one on every hole. Probably no big deal in Pyongyang, since most of his people are too busy starving to death or taking a scenic train ride with their families to a mountain slave labor camp to worry about the physical impossibilities of acing a 550-yard par 5 the first time you’ve played the game.
Our own Bill Clinton was equally famed for claiming to have shot a round in the 70s, a highly unlikely and outright laughable claim for an occasional player like Bubba. But possible, if you are allowed to take a mulligan (do-over) on every shot, have your caddy throw your ball out of the woods when you hit it in there, and concede every putt within 20 feet of the hole.
Thus, we are waiting for the first person who has played with our incredibly insecure, third-grade maturity level, narcissistic, orange-tinted president to report on his integrity on the course. Knowing how he screams at the slightest inference he is not Master of the Universe, we imagine he does everything from throwing balls out of sand traps with his hand to teeing the ball up in the fairway. While we are sure secrecy about The Donald’s golf handiwork is assured in advance, if not involving a signed no-tell contract, we’ll offer a free subscription to the first person to let inquiring minds know the real story.
(Cue YouTube clip of James Bond standing on Ernst Stavros Blofeld’s ball during their epic golf match in Goldfinger.)
Educating Kids or Wooing Voters?
There is arguably merit to Governor Gigi’s proposals to provide free tuition for two years to Little Rhody’s state colleges for homegrown students. Yeah, it is the eternal plea that we need graduates with the skills for 21st century jobs so they stay home and become resources for their home state, higher skills, equal higher pay, blah blah blah, that has been promoted (unsuccessfully) since the 1990s, and we still aren’t there yet by any means. But what the hell, give the kids at least some hope of making it without a student loan albatross around their neck. We’re with you on this one, Gigi.
The odd thing is the way the governor’s proposal is being backed by TV ads that highlight Gigi as much as her initiative. The spot is sponsored by America Works USA. This happens to be supported by the Democratic Governors Association, which explains why the pitch comes across as more of a campaign ad for Governor Raimondo than an appeal to our better selves about educating Vo Dilan ‘utes for a brighter tomorrow.
In P&J’s long experience, it is very rare for a proposed piece of legislation in a non-election year to get this much tub-thumping to convince the great unwashed to pressure their elected officials at Halitosis Hall to get it enacted. And as Ms. Raimondo’s signature piece of this year’s legislative session, which to-date has received a chilly reception from Gigi’s nemesis, House Speaker “Thick Nick” Mattiello, it seems more political posturing than anything. Whaddya scared of, Gigi? Alan Fung again? Puh-leeze.
So as if the interminable 2016 presidential campaign wasn’t enough to make citizens run screaming from their houses into the woods until election day finally arrived, welcome to the Biggest Little Gubernatorial Follies of 2018. Sleep tight, Hillary.
Not to Miss at Pop
On May 20 at 7pm, Pop (the Emporium of Popular Culture) at 219 West Park St in Providence will feature the opening of an exhibition of paintings and drawings from 1970 – 2017 by legendary Vo Dilun artist Dan Gosch, with a special performance by the theatrical rock band, the Upper Crust. This should be a highly entertaining evening for folks of all ages that your superior correspondents highly endorse. Jorge (aka, Rudy Cheeks) will be there to emcee the event.