Squid’s Ink: The joke’s on us

We squid really want to be liberal and progressive. We believe that the purpose of government is to work the will of the collective. But here in Rhode Island, we’re starting to wonder…

  • The RI Legislature passed a bill banning foam containers and plastic stirrers in restaurants, but passed on a bill banning assault rifles. Because guns don’t kill people, swizzle sticks do.
  • The RI Senate passed a bill legalizing magic mushrooms! Er. Medical psilocybin. “It seemed like a good idea,” said one Senator, “because I’m a fun guy.” The House didn’t, but at press time, the bill was still floating around the legislature on a cloud.
  • Fortunately, the General Assembly just made it possible for RI marijuana dispensaries to advertise on billboards! (It was illegal for RI, but ok for Mass-hole rivals.) One of our favorite dank distributors, Mother Earth Wellness disobeyed the law for 10 minutes, and put up a billboard on their own building, until they were told there’d be a $10,000/day fine. We hope the new sign will say, “This Kind Bud’s For You! Light up!” 
  • In the imbalance of fines category…, Providence City Councilor Juan Pichardo didn’t report and misreported campaign funds, but was only fined $3,000. Paperwork matters.
  • Didya notice that the proposed budget for the RI State Council on the Arts increased by a whopping $40,034? But wait, with other funding factored in, that’s actually a cut of $217,948 from what RISCA spent last year. Great to see our government’s total lack of commitment to building a thriving arts community! 
  • RIDOT wants to eat RIPTA. Known for its voracious appetite for bridge and highway projects, the Department of Transportation has made a bid to absorb the Transit Authority. “Nobody important rides the bus,” said Conveyance Coordinator Ima Freud. “We hand out bus passes like candy to the indigent, poor, disabled and, of course, Providence’s high school students. Brown students get free rides, and don’t even use them! Bus drivers keep crashing, and people need audible reminders that buses are always turning. So, we’re working on a new ad campaign, ‘It’s the car, stupid!’”
  • Plus, both RIPTA and the new train station shout out that they’re stopping in “Paw-Tuck-It.” Their AI voices are clearly colluding with Google Maps.
  • Meanwhile, on June 1, as part of its “Let’s Ride RI” bike campaign, RIPTA held a closing party for Ride To Work Week at the Black Duck in East Providence. According to RIPTA’s media release, anyone with a bike could get a free drink from 4:30 to 6:30pm. The message? Don’t let your friends drive drunk, but drunk biking is just fine!
  • Remember the Stuporman Building? The High Horses Rock Development proposed huge tax breaks to chop it up into low and moderate-income housing. Well, it’s not happening this year, because “nobody asked for funding.” 
  • Meanwhile, the Pawtucket soccer stadium is also in limbo. Turns out it costs more than they expected. Thankfully, the Rhode Island FC has cut a deal to play its first season at Bryant University.
    “I’m dead,”  said former Motif sportswriter Chip Young, “but I’ll be cheering them on.
  • And former Mayor Joseph “I Own This City” Paolino cut the ribbon on a rehabbed microapartment complex to the tune of more than $5.6 million in government funding, tax credits, and subsidies.
    “It’s brilliant,” said real estate analyst Knot Sated. “They’re renting lower income people shoeboxes at premium prices, and getting paid by taxpayers to do it.”
  • We seem to be up to 12 or 23 candidates for the US House of Representatives seat vacated by David “They’re Charitable Contributions” Cicilline. We’re asking Motif’s political editor Mike Bilow to create a spreadsheet, so we can tell who all the players are. 
  • But meanwhile, we’re crossing off Republican-turned-Democrat Allen Waters, who refused to attend a RI Democratic Women’s Caucus event because he was offended that the moderator will be a  man-turned-woman, the well known human rights advocate and trans-woman, Rev. Dr. Donnie Anderson

“Waters is a transitioning Democrat,” said political analyst Phutin Mowth. “He hasn’t learned to walk the woke walk yet.”

  • Did you hear the joke about the two RI Department of Administration wonks who went to Philadelphia in March? Turns out one of them thought he was a rock star, and requested special croissants, Diet Coke, a free lunch, and a gift swag bag. Oh, wait, it’s not a joke. Except on late night television. Sigh. 
  • Speaking of jokes, a crack house in Providence is offering a new “John Mulaney Special.”
    “It’s John’s favorite blend,” said dealer Toe Tally Sirius. “Mostly cocaine, with a bit of Xanax, a dollop of Adderall, with hints of Klonopin, and some Percocet cut with John’s favorite Baby J powder. His rehab center gave us cards, and we get a 10% referral fee.”
  • Remember that Providence School Administrator on trial for fondling a kid’s foot? He toe-tally got off!
    (“Dude, that’s not funny,” said dealer Toe Tally Sirius. “First you make fun of Transwomen. Now, you’re making fun of me and folk with foot fetishes!”
  • Finally, did you hear the one about the PVD woman who opened a black-market dental clinic in her house? She claimed she was filling a need in the community, but she’s been charged with unlicensed drilling. 

That’s it for now. Stay clean and dry.