Profiles in Tribulations — Alfred Dente for Governer

Rhode Island is at a crossroads. A fumbling economy that can’t seem to get itself on track, corruption everywhere, and candidates who are using their positions to try to slingshot to a more prominent position rather than do work in the role for which they were elected; nothing seems to be working. Maybe we need to take a deeper look at what we need as leadership. Maybe we need not to look to privileged, rich and/or educated blowhards. Maybe we need a voice that sounds like the common man. Maybe we need a candidate who is so worked up he speaks in caps. Maybe we need to consider electing Alfred Dente as our next governor of Rhode Island.

Alfred Dente: FIRSTLY MIKE I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IMPORTANT ISUES THAT WE HAVE TO TAKE ON IN RHODE ISLAND!!

Mike Delehanty: Tell us a bit about your schooling background.

AD: I WENT TO EAST PROVIDINCE HIGH AND I WAS SPOSED TO GRADUATE IN 1981 BUT LIFE HAPENS SOME TIMES AND I DID NOT FINISH!!!! THAT IS WHY I AM RUNING FOR GOVERNER BECAUSE ANY ONE CAN OVER COME!!! I MAY NOT HAVE GONE FROM HEAD START TO HARVAD BUT I WENT TO SAWYER SCHOOL FOR A LITLE WHILE!!!

MD: Marry one, elect one, kill one — Fung, Healey, Raimondo.  Go.

AD: I WOULD KILL RAIMUNDO!!! ELECT HEALEY!!!! AND MARRY FUNG — BUT HE WOULD HAVE TO FIX HIS TEETH

MD: Tell us of some of your favorite Rhode Island heroes.

AD: SOME OF MY RHODE ISLAND HEROS? ALLAN SHAWN FINESTINE — MY NEPHEW WOULD ALWAYS SHOW ME HIS GOOD DEED JOURNAL BACK WHEN HE WAS A KID!!! IT MADE ALL THE KIDS RIGHT DOWN THERE GOOD DEEDS — BUT IT MOSTLY TAUGHT THE CHILDRIN HOW TO LIE!!! LOL HE IS KIND OF A EGO MANIAC — BUT HEY — IT IS KIND OF COOL TO HAVE YOUR NAME ON EVERY ELEMENTREE SCHOOL AROUND! ANOTHER HERO IS THE BIG BLUE BUG — I MEAN — THAT BUG HAS BEEN THERE A LONG TIME AND HE STILL LOOKS GOOD!!! PATRICIA WOOD WANTS TO NO HIS SECRET! LOL

MD: There’s been a lot of discussion about the pension reforms with the candidates. Tell us what’s wrong with the Roger Williams Zoo.

AD: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE ZOO??? HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE BUDDY??? ALL THE ANIMILS AT THE ZOO ARE DEAD!!! WHERE IS THE POLER BEAR!? HE WOULD ALWAYS SWIM IN THAT TANK AND SWIM RIGHT AT YOU IN TO THE GLASS AND THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF THE ZOO!!!! WHEN I AM GOVERNER I DONT CARE IF I HAVE TO GO RENT A YOU HAUL TRUCK AND DRIVE UP TO THE ARTIC CIRCLE MYSELF AND GRAB A POLER BEAR AND BRING HIM BACK TO PROVIDINCE!!!!

MD: What kind of businesses do you see trying to bring in to our state?

AD: WHEN IT COMES TO NEW BUSINESSES COMING TO RHODE ISLAND — I DONT THINK IT MATERS!!!! BEGGERS CANT BE CHOOSERS!!!! AS LONG AS IT SELLS AND YOU PAY YOUR BILLS — I AM FOR IT!!!! THAT INCLUDES MARAWANA AND THINGS LIKE THAT!!!!

MD: What the first thing as governor you would change about our state?

AD: AS GOVERNER THE FIRST THING I WOULD CHANGE ABOUT RHODE ISLAND IS DRUG TESTING THE PEOPLE ON WELL FARE!!!!! WE DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!!! ITS JUST LOJICAL — IF YOU WANT TO GET FREE MONEY FROM US TAX PAYERS — YOU BETER PROVE YOU ARE NOT WASTING MONEY ON DRUGS YOU BUST OUT!!!! ALSO I SUPORT OFICIAL DEZIGNATED GANG WAR ZONES SO GANG MEMBERS CAN KILL EACH OTHER SAFELY AND AWAY FROM INOCENT CHILDRIN!!!! WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT THE CHILDRIN!!!!!!!

MD: Whats the farthest you have traveled out of Rhode Island?

AD: THE FURTHEST I HAVE TRAVELED OUT SIDE OF RHODE ISLAND IS NORTH ATLEBORO WHEN I HAD TO PICK UP A COFEE TABLE FOR MY MOM AT CARDIS!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO BLOCK ISLAND BUT I DREAM OF MAKING IT TO THERE ONE DAY WHEN I AM GOVERNER!!! ALSO WHEN I AM GOVERNER I AM GOING TO RE RECORD THE BLOCK ISLAND FERRY THEME SONG!!! IT IS OLD AND OVER PLAYED AND ITS JAMAYCAN!!! WE LIVE IN RHODE ISLAND NOT JAMAYCA!!!

MD: Where is the worst place in Rhode Island to eat?

AD: THE WORST PLACE TO EAT IN RHODE ISLAND IS ABSOLOOTLEY ONE HUNDRID PERCENT IS JADE BALCONY PALACE!!!!! EVERY TIME I EAT AT THAT PLACE I END UP SITING ON THE TOILET ALL NITE!!!! BUT THE RANGOONS ALL WAYS KEEP ME COMING BACK!!! ONE OF MY FAVERITES IS WALTS ROAST BEEF!!! BUT IT HAS TO BE THE ONE BY THE AIR PORT!!!! THAT ONE IS THE BEST ONE!!!!

MD: I imagine your new candidate profile has made it difficult for you to go out in public without being harassed.  Does your new celebrity come with groupies?

AD: ALSO — THE BEST THING TO HAPEN TO ME SINCE I DECIDED TO RUN FOR GOVERNER IS THAT A LONG TIME DENTITE — A DENTITE IS WHAT MY SUPORTERS CALL THEM SELFS — DRESSED UP AS ME FOR HALOWEEN!!! IT WAS THE PROUDEST I HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!