Advice with Spyce: Broken Johnson and the Friendzone

Dear Spyce,

I met a guy a few months ago that I really like. Recently he shared with me his fantasy of having a girl be on top and take control. I told him I’d try it and we planned to have a special night together. We got into it and it was really hot! Then he got really excited and started thrusting into me. I don’t think he had great aim though because his penis twisted coming into me. All of the sudden I heard a cracking noise and he screamed loudly. He threw me off him and kept yelling that I broke his penis. He said he was going to the hospital and made me leave. Since then, he won’t return my calls or texts. I don’t understand what’s wrong. I’ve never even heard of a broken penis! But I really like him and feel horrible. Did I really break his penis or did I just bruise his pride?

Signed,

Rough Rider

Hey RR,

Contrary to popular belief, a penis can break, and getting a thunk to your junk is no laughing matter! It’s called a penile fracture and happens when the tissue gets ruptured during vigorous use. It is quite painful, and can require immediate surgery so as not to cause permanent damage. So in truth, your friend may not be avoiding you as much as staying away from everyone, with his poor little johnson bruised and battered. 

It also can be quite embarrassing, and he likely isn’t in the best emotional state right now. So rekindling a connection with the girl who “broke his penis” may not be the highest priority on his list. 

But don’t feel bad. The truth is that you did nothing wrong! As a matter of fact, it sounds like you were doing what most guys would consider very right, especially being that he asked this of you. But that rush of blood does a funny thing to a person’s head and he is likely still trying to recover. I’m sure his pride is hurt. Many people have a hard time admitting their fantasies in general, and when it doesn’t turn out as planned, it can be quite painful. Figuratively AND literally! He might be seeing this as punishment for giving in to a naughty fantasy. 

For now, just let him and his little friend heal and have some down time. Now that you know his penis really might have broken, send a get well card and let him know you’re there for him, and his ruptured fellow, whenever he’s ready. If you truly did have a connection, it will still be there once the swelling goes down.

Dear Spyce, 

I met a really great guy who I super love spending time with. I would love to be friends, and also enjoy some light cuddling and friendly affection. However, I just don’t feel sexually attracted to him, and I don’t want to feel like there is pressure to go down that road with him. On his side, he’s made it pretty obvious that he’s way into me and would like to take things to the next level. Is it worse for me to break it off now before we get closer, or to try and pursue a friendship with him?

Friendly Not Further

Dearest FNF,

You have just said the one thing that most guys (well really anyone who likes someone) wants to hear, and that is the dreaded, “I just want to be friends.”

Now back in the day, I always felt like me telling someone I wanted to be their friend was actually more valuable than me just wanting to hook up. After all, romance is fleeting, but friends are forever. If you’re my friend, I’m not going to flee once the D loses its shine (like it always does), and I’ll be in it for the long haul. But the downside could be that I don’t share the D with friends. Just becomes too confusing. Not that that’s always the case, but…

Here’s the thing. When you’ve caught feelings and you want to move things forward and then your crush spouts out that dreaded sentence, no matter what the circumstances, it tends to feel like a huge rejection. And often, people don’t want to stick around after that. 

For one thing, they don’t want to feel desperate, like a hungry jackal waiting for a scrap of meat to fall on the ground. When you like someone, you will always be looking for cues that they like you back. And even if your crush has already said that they’re “just not that into you,” it’s tempting to believe that maybe if you spend enough time together they will see the error of their ways, and come a knock-knockin around your bedroom door one evening when they are sad, or horny, or most likely, some combination of the two. But you don’t want to be spending every waking moment with someone wondering when they are going to come around and see the light. That doesn’t feel good. 

So even if you did want to be friends with this guy, I would ask him to take a good hard look at his own feelings and decide if being your friend really is healthy for him. 

On the other hand, he may not be as hot for you as you think, and might be fine with an affectionate friendship, a buddy, a wingman, a friend. He might be able to handle it. But either way, it’s important that you let him know now what’s going on for you, so he can make an educated decision on how he wants to proceed.