Healthy by a Hair
As the coronavirus looms, the CDC has issued an infographic advising which styles of facial hair render filtering face masks ineffective by preventing them forming a tight seal with the skin. Here are some key takeaways:
The sheer variety of beards styles is staggering, ranging from Victorian farmer muttonchops and Spanish Olympic fencer to “wears flannel, eats possums raw for breakfast.”
Hipsters have begun Photoshopping beards from photos in case the virus becomes digital.
Half of the West End with their hipster beards will find filtering face masks completely ineffective; better dead and self-indulgent than responsible and alive, right?
The Ambrose Burnside statue has been moved into quarantine.
Jorge Elroza’s “man of the people” designer stubble has been reclassified as “dangerously handsome” and placed under armed guard.
Old ladies with the Fu Manchu beards will be put in solitary confinement (watch out, Johnston).
As beards start to come off, some marriages will find more cock/s than they bargained for…
As the de-bearding trend continues, sales of vapes, slinkies and kazoos will plummet.
Instagram will become critically short of bearded influencers revealing how you, too, can make cashew cheese and up your vegan fan base.
Men still look stupid with buns, and they should be removed, regardless.
Providence? Don’t Live There
A new ranking from WalletHub (whatever that is) places Providence as one of the worst state capitals in which to live. Even Boston, that urban toilet filled with Wahlburgs and feral packs of Kennedys ranks higher, with only seven cities coming in worse than PVD.
“It all comes down to our nickname,” explains Mayor Jorge Elorza, “Creative Capital is such a boring moniker. Why give art hoes that much power?
“Friartown is too corporate Catholic, Crimetown isn’t good for tourism, but back in the day we went with the only vague positive we had.”
To rectify the situation, the mayor has invited readers of Alt-Facts to propose a new nickname for the city in a bid to boost its faltering reputation. So far, Bradyville, Belichickboro and Bradytown have all been met with underwhelming responses and protests from the six remaining ice hockey fans in the state, so it’s over to you, dear readers, to pull us out of the murk. Send us your ideas online, on Facebook or Instagram for improved Providence city nicknames.
Of all the peculiar phenomena that Rhode Islanders are good at, communicating via their cars is right up there with the best.
Got a political opinion? Select a tirade that speaks to your brand of red, white and blue, and affix it to your bumper so everyone can know how much you love or hate politician X.
Lost a loved one? Place a vinyl sticker on your rear windshield so people who never knew the deceased can continue not to know anything about them.
Love your religion and want to convert the rest of us? Find a decal with a pair of hands holding a bunch of beads; that should do the trick.
Forgot what country you’re in? Mount a 15-foot flag to a pole on your flatbed, just in case the driver behind you thinks they’re in Canada (after all, Rhode Island is precariously close to our maple-loving neighbor to the north).
We really appreciate it!
After the shambles of the Iowa Presidential Primaries highlighted the fallacy of holding the first round of such an important contest in a overly white state with a corn fetish, Rhode Island thought leaders, media dignitaries and luminaries have launched a bid to replace the Hawkeye State in 2024.
“We provide a cosmopolitan alternative,” commented Governor Gina Raimondo in an exclusive interview with Alt-Facts. “Alcoholism and sexual degeneracy is at an all-time low, even in Cumberland, and the self-indulgent navel gazing of Brown University is actually beginning to prove beneficial.
“In addition, because we are so small, few Republicans are able to find us, so we are likely to elect someone likable with a bit of gumption. We can show the country that we can be first in the nation in something besides potholes.”