Author: Cathren Housley

Advice from the Trenches: My Clothes Are Ugly and I’m a Terrible Cook

Dear C,

I’m engaged to a really great guy. He was born in Taipei but learned English when he was very young and came to the US for college. His parents came for a visit to meet me last week. After eating at several good restaurants around town, we invited them to our apartment for dinner.

I thought the dinner went really well — my future in-laws paid me many compliments on the decorating, the cooking and on my appearance. I was smiling and thanking them, all aglow in what I thought was profound approval. Wow, was I in for a surprise.

The next day, my fiancé told me that it was going to take a lot of work to repair the impression I’d made on my in-laws. I thought that perhaps they disapproved that we were living together before marriage, but apparently many people do that in Taiwan and no one thinks anything of it. The problem is that my in-laws now think that I am a spoiled, vain woman and they told my fiancé that he might think twice before marrying me — I would make a preening and difficult wife.

What the hell is going on? My fiancé just shakes his head when I try to get him to explain. He usually doesn’t clam up like this, it’s making me really nervous.

In The Dark

Dear IDT,

Ah, you are experiencing a culture shock. I am laughing because I had a similar experience when I traveled to Taiwan for the first time to attend my son’s wedding to a Taiwanese woman.

I was given many compliments by friends and relatives at the reception, so many that it embarrassed me. I didn’t know what to do but laugh and give profuse thanks for the nice things they were saying. The next day, my son told me I was behaving like a self-centered air head and I should learn better manners before mortifying him again. He was off on his honeymoon before I could ask him to explain. His friend, Dr. Ian Clarke, a great guy from New Zealand who is a university professor of sociology here, clued me in on the egregious faux pas I had made. Here’s the deal:

It is the cultural standard of many Eastern countries for people to act modestly in an outward manner. You could hear an Olympic gold medalist given a compliment after breaking the world speed record, and the reaction would be, “Oh, no, I am so slow! I was terrible.” Now, this does not mean that people from such cultures do not have any ego. It simply means that they know that they are seen in a better light if they deny all praise and say how awful they are. Privately, these people brag as much as anyone.

This seems really odd to Americans who have the likes of Kanye West and his accompanying horde of simpering Kardashians who take every opportunity to exploit their abilities, scant or otherwise, and who even attempt to steal the spotlight from others every chance they get. In Taiwan, Kim and Kanye would be seen as disgusting people with swelled heads and enormously large butts, although no one would ever say it to their faces and they may even want their pictures taken to show proximity to such famous fools.

Dr. Clarke explained to me that this outwardly humble lack of ego on the part of Easterners works within the operations of their particular society, but in places such as the Mideast, such behavior might get you slaughtered. There, if you do NOT assert yourself strongly, and as brazenly as possible, you might be annihilated by those around you. This is a cultural norm and no one sees an aggressive male as a preening braggart who thinks he is better than everyone else. That is how all men are.

So, back to your fatal dinner. Here is how you hung yourself: When you thanked your in-laws for their compliments and reveled in the praise, essentially, you were crowing, “Oh, yes, I know how wonderful and beautiful I am, I am such a special, entitled woman! You are so perceptive to notice!”

The next time you see your in-laws and they compliment you (for they will surely try again, to test you) just respond with, “Oh, no, my apartment looks awful! No, no, my clothes suck and I am a very unattractive person who just doesn’t know how to cook!” They will approve of your modesty and perhaps refrain from interfering with your wedding plans.

It is always a good idea to check on cultural habits when becoming part of an extended foreign family or traveling to other countries. Americans often take it for granted that their dollars and their presence entitles them to act however they wish when they roam the world. Let us hope that our cocky American teens abroad learn the folly of this behavior before trying any silly pranks that we would laugh at here. In North Korea, no one has such a sense of humor.

April 13, 2016
Alt-Health: Dosage for Dummies

We are at a tricky crossroads in drug history. Along with opening the door to promising medical treatments, marijuana is poised to become the next legal recreational drug in Rhode Island. Therein the problem lies. Because of the relative safety of pot compared to pharmaceuticals, street drugs and alcohol (no deaths from its use have ever been recorded), people can have a pretty casual attitude about getting stoned. We forget that pot is also a powerful drug used to treat serious medical conditions and, as such, the idea of dosage is an important one.

When legislators passed the law that allowed medical marijuana in RI and other states, they left something out: medical accountability. Doctors are allowed to recommend medical marijuana, but cannot actually prescribe it. For some reason, no one realized that if doctors can’t prescribe medical marijuana, they also can’t give any advice on proper dosage. This same lack of foresight seems to have been applied in states where recreational pot is legalized — no one has educated the public about responsible use — so it’s up to you, the consumer, to learn some facts, the same as you would if you were buying a car. Let’s start with the basics:

The chemicals responsible for the effects of marijuana are collectively called cannabinoids. This group includes tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) and cannabidiol (CBD). THC is what gives the floaty, euphoric high; CBD is the nonpsychoactive component of marijuana that has a wide range of therapeutic effects. Recreational pot is more likely be a variety with high THC levels, since CBD sometimes has no high at all.

There are two main sub-species in plants: Cannabis indica and Cannabis sativa. Hybrids and cross-breeds have mixed characteristics of both species. Sativa has very high THC levels and low or no CBD levels. Indica’s chemical profile shows a more balanced mix, with moderate THC levels and higher levels of CBD. Today, due to the advent of medical marijuana, a much greater emphasis is being placed on cultivating plants with high CBD levels and very little THC.

Marijuana is used in a variety of ways. It be smoked or vaporized, taken in tablet form or ingested as edible food products. Here is where you really need to know your stuff, because every time that you hear splashy headlines (“teens overdose on pot and are taken to emergency room!”) the case involves edible marijuana. Here’s why:

While the effect of inhaled medical marijuana is apparent immediately, edible marijuana can take hours to kick in. If you don’t know this, you can make some serious mistakes. It’s just too easy to eat a brownie, wait a few minutes and say, “Geez, nothing’s happening! I’m going to have another brownie.” Before you know it, an hour has passed, you’ve eaten three brownies instead of one, then at hour 3, the effect starts kicking in. And we aren’t talking about a momentary rush here. The effects of edibles can sometimes last for a day or more and can cause disorientation and panic.

Something else you need to know: If you smoke pot for recreation, it behooves you to keep your doses low, and to wait as long as possible in between highs. Why? Because people develop a resistance to pot very quickly. If you smoke a lot of cannabis on a constant basis, after a while all you don’t really get high, you just walk around in a low grade fog that dulls your intelligence and shortens your attention span. It can also make you depressed as hell. If you want cannabis to be a pleasant experience, use some sense and moderation. You’ll spend far less cash and get a cleaner, happier high.

Medical marijuana is a whole different ball game. Patients using pot to treat illnesses are less interested in the high, and more intent on relief of pain or other symptoms. They often benefit far more from pot species with a very high CBD level and minimal amounts of THC. In fact, many of the hybrids being developed for medical use now have no high at all. For example, an oil derived from cannabis is now being recommended for children with severe forms of epilepsy that do not respond to traditional medications. It performs miracles and the kids do not get even remotely stoned.

Patients who get licensed for medical marijuana would do well to consult with the caregivers at compassion centers. These workers have extensive knowledge of cannabis and none of the restrictions placed on doctors. They give great advice on varieties and dosages. For a thorough education, I highly recommend reading the authoritative text on cannabis, “Rational Guidelines for Dosing” by Gregory T. Carter, MD., at: beyondthc.com/wpcontent/uploads/2012/07/DosingGuidelinesCarter.pdf

April 6, 2016
Alt-Health: A Cross-Cultural Perspective

It is a mystery, an unsolved crime: The US demands more cash for medical care than any other country in the world, yet we rank a dismal 39 in overall health. We cannot manage to provide universal coverage for our citizens, which is an anomaly in the civilized financially ranking world. But no wonder — our medical services are far too expensive. Yet the real mystery is this: Exactly where is all that money going?

For perspective, I am looking to the Far East. In Taiwan, where the health care system is one of most efficient in the world, NHI (National Health Insurance) guarantees full medical coverage for every citizen. Services provided include traditional Chinese medicine and acupuncture as well as modern hospital and surgical care, outpatient treatments, dental, drugs and dialysis. The cost of NHI premium is, on average, less than $50 a month; a middle school teacher pays only 300 NT, or about $9 a month. A catastrophic illness certificate is provided for those who cannot pay, people from central mountains, and, of course, all pregnant women and mothers. Yet no one is taxed to death for these privileges. How is such a thing possible?

The answer is a solution that the proud capitalists of the US would shudder to consider: NHI is a single buyer system, with the government holding all cards. This autonomous control makes it possible to set and regulate fees and impose global budget. As a result of this massive oppression of free enterprise, coupled with Taiwan’s powerful information technology, the annual administrative budget totals only 1.07% of all medical expenditures. This is a remarkable number considering that most other financially solvent countries average 9% to 10% per annum. And our own United States? As of last count, it was reported that fully 31% of our annual medical costs go, not toward patient care, but into the administrative pockets of the corporations that control the trade routes of our medical waters.

But what of medical services themselves? Financial statistics are not all that matters; other factors are at hand. How does the quality of care in Taiwan compare to ours?

In certain areas, their care is superior. A new mother is never sent home from the hospital after only a couple of days. In Taiwan, after the first week, baby and mom go to a lying-in hospital where nurses care for babies and special nourishing meals are fed to mothers to build back their strength. Post-partum depression is very rare.

But what about the treatment of disease? In truth, Taiwan’s best area of expertise is in public health — containment and treatment of contagious disease. Their success with non-communicable illnesses such as cancer, uremia and diabetes is less accomplished; results are about the same as ours. And a surprising new development: As modern ways creep into the culture, obesity, with its myriad manifestation of disorders, is corroding the health of the people, just as in the West. A lack of exercise has accompanied Taiwan’s success in the technology field, and its citizens are paying a price. Those suffering from obesity have far more mental health issues than rest of population and often the containment of those ills are left to the responsibility of family.

An area where the US has a distinct advantage is in the quantity of medical personnel. In Taiwan, doctors, and especially nurses, are in short supply. Family members often stay in hospitals with patients to ensure that fluid bags are filled and vital signs are monitored. The number one complaint of patients is that doctors spend too little time with them and communicate badly. Yet despite this, people all know that they do not have to be afraid to seek treatment. They will never lose their homes or be turned away. It is a right that they have without question, and none of them would ever choose to be without.

The real crime in American is that our health system pretends to, but does not, put the patient’s needs first. Our peace of mind is not a corporate priority, nor are the actual services provided. It is all about the profits to be made. Insurance companies are paid a fixed percentage of the claims they administer, so they have no incentive to hold costs down. Fees swell and spill into patient billings. The pharmaceutical giants and the vast, well-oiled machinery of hospitals and clinics hold more lobbying status than the patients they profess to serve. Twenty-five percent of all senior bankruptcies are due to medical debts.

In the land of the free and the home of the brave, this is a hypocrisy that we would all do well to examine.

March 30, 2016
Advice from the Trenches: Jealousy!

Dear C;

I am not sure if this is a problem, but it does worry me a lot. My boyfriend never gets jealous over me. Not even the tiniest bit. I have never cheated on him but other men sometimes flirt with me, right in front of him, and a couple times I flirted back to see if it would get a rise out of him. Nada. I finally asked him about it and he said he believes in free will. He said he would be sad if I left him or if I cheated but that it is my choice and I am free to go if that is what I want. I don’t know why, but this drives me a bit nuts. Maybe because it is so damn unromantic? How can he possibly love me if he feels this way?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed;

If you ran this question past a therapist, they would probably tell you that you need to cultivate your own sense of self-esteem and that your boyfriend has a more mature attitude. Some would even argue that possessiveness is the sign of a control freak and the forerunner to a an abusive relationship. However, your boyfriend’s “free will” attitude seems to be taking maturity to the other side of the spectrum. I understand your concern.

I have had many boyfriends over my lifetime and nearly all have been a bit jealous. You could argue that they saw me as property they owned, but I’m not so sure. Yeah, if they started following me around and went through my cell phone behind my back, I’d say they were taking it too far. But everyone, both men and women, feels a sense of protectiveness about
the people who matter to them.

This is not PC, but I’m gonna say it anyway — men are hunters by nature, and a lot of them are predators. Every guy knows this, just the same as every woman knows that single heterosexual women can be ruthless and conniving when it comes to the pursuit of men, even those who are already taken. Sorry, but that’s really what goes on in our primitive brains. Because of this, most men are going to have their shackles go up if another male starts moving in on their mate. A man who yawns and goes back to reading the paper is sending a pretty indifferent message.

Let me tell you a story about a man in my past who wasn’t jealous. He had an attitude EXACTLY like your boyfriend’s, and I saw him as amazingly evolved. I really thought it was a sign of emotional maturity. Ha! This guy turned out to be more neurotic and messed up than all of the jealous men combined. He actually liked the idea that other guys were turned on by
me and saw it as elevating his status. Of course, he didn’t let me know that. He fed me his “I want you to be free” rap so he could get away with stuff behind my back, without me asking too many questions. The punch line? Turns out he was a closet gay! He wasn’t possessive largely because I had no value to him other than as a cover for his double life. I found out
later he was jealous as hell over his boyfriends.

Listen, any red blooded male worth his salt is not going to like men ogling the woman he loves. It’s not because the man suffers from insecurity. It’s because he knows exactly what cads other men are. Sure — rampant, needy jealousy is probably a sign of psychosis. But some jealousy is a healthy sign that a man values his partner and wants to protect her.

In my opinion? Any man who pukes up the bland crap that your boyfriend is spewing is not enlightened or mature. He just doesn’t give a shit.

March 23, 2016
Alt-Health: Avoid the Flu When You Fly

A reader recently told me of his upcoming plans to fly to the other side of the planet for a visit. His sister moved to Japan for work and generously offered to buy his ticket, but he was worried about catching the flu. He asked me how to protect himself.

This is a timely question. The flu season is in full swing in the Far East and there is more than one strain going around. You do not want to take any chances! H5N1, the notorious avian crossover, is mixed with H3N2 and H1N1. Of course, that’s just the Type As. In Type B viruses, we have both the Yamagata lineage and the Victoria lineage available. You don’t want either one.

If you insist on braving the perils and throwing your fate in with a few hundred possibly infected strangers on a 14-hour flight, there are a number of things you can do to lessen your chances of contracting some form of blight. Tips number two and three will also help ease the effects of jet lag.

1. GET A FLU SHOT! Get inoculated before you go. If your insurance won’t pay for it, RI residents can get a free one at CVS. If you want the latest updates on specific travel health warnings, call the CDC at 1-800-CDC-Info. You might be able to discover the particular strain that is circulating where you will be landing. Of course, on a plane, passengers could have come from anywhere in the world and be host to a veritable zoo of parasites and viruses. Kind of a crap shoot, ain’t it?

2. STAY HYDRATED! I can’t stress enough how important this is. Cabin air is stripped of all moisture and when it’s that dry, the first defense line of mucus membranes in your nose and throat become dry and cracked, open to invasion from ravenous microbes. Get a big bottle of water at the airport and drink it all before you even get on the plane. Ask the attendant to refill it often. If you have to get up and go to the bathroom every 30 minutes, suck it up. It’s good exercise. And use a nasal mist to keep those membranes moistened during your flight.

3. EASE UP ON THE ALCOHOL! I know you’re jittery, but drinking just further dehydrates your system, making you more likely to catch the flu. Your doctor or natural healer can offer some alternative methods of calming nerves.

4. DO NOT TOUCH THE SEAT POCKET IN FRONT OF YOU! God only knows what has been in there. Mothers stash dirty diapers, people cram used napkins, tissues, chewed gum…need I go on? It wouldn’t hurt to get some surgical gloves and put them on if possible contact is imminent. Peel and toss them after use or you will just be carrying the microbes around with you. And use alcohol or disinfectant wipes to clean surfaces you will touch. Those suckers
can hang around for a while.

5. CLOSE THE TOILET SEAT LID BEFORE YOU FLUSH! People don’t think about this, but a fine spray is thrown up with every flush, and it is infused with microorganisms. Use a piece of tissue to avoid skin contact with the lid and wash your hands thoroughly before leaving the room. Note: Soap and water protect much better than hand sanitizer, although I must admit — it’s kind of tough to haul a sink around with you.

6. FACE MASKS! You are flying to the far East, so you’ll notice it is an accepted and widespread practice to wear face masks in public during times of illness or epidemics. Some women even match the fabric to their designer suits. In all honesty, it is far more effective if infected people wear masks to protect others from the flu, but if you wear one yourself, it can’t hurt. You may at least be guaranteed that strangers will give you a wide berth.

By the way, you have the right to ask to change your seat if a passenger near you is sneezing and coughing. It may not be possible, but don’t be afraid to speak up. The crew wants to be informed about infected travelers too. This is a hazard that they face on a daily basis. You might also want to ask your flight attendant how they stay healthy. The best advice usually comes from people who are out there in the trenches.

March 16, 2016
Advice from the Trenches: Super Mother-in-Law!!

Dear C;
My question is: How do you not feel completely inadequate as a wife and daughter-in-law when you have a Super Mother-In-Law? She’s an amazing cook — all from scratch — and she did everything around the house and was home for her kids in the day, then worked at night. My husband frequently comments, “I don’t know how my mother did it.” Hint, hint. Well, neither do I!

While I understand that others enjoy this type of lifestyle, I am not the best cook or even close. I do try on occasion — my husband and I take turns with housework and cooking. We don’t have children, but I am an extremely busy woman, working full time and participating in many activities that exist outside my home.

While neither my M.I.L. or my S.O. would ever make me feel bad about any of these facts (she’s a lovely woman), it still is hard to stop the encroaching fear/paranoia that I am “less than” in their eyes.

Intellectually, I understand that her experience is based on a different time and place. The world and its expectations were different 30 years ago. That gives me some comfort. Still, when we attend holidays or even the occasional Sunday dinner, the one item that I’ve brought (IF I’ve brought one) is dwarfed but her huge food & treats=LOVE smorgasbord.
Signed,
Feeling Perpetually Deficient

Dear PD,
Wow. That is a lot to live up to. I suspect that even Florence Nightingale would find herself lacking if she stacked her chips against your Super MIL. I hear that Ms. Nightingale never married and couldn’t cook worth crap. (Perhaps it was because she was a little busy with other things…such as elevating the role of women in medicine forever.)

Or we could compare Mother Teresa to your MIL. Mucking around with all those lepers, criminals and hos? How unladylike. I’ll bet she sucked at dusting too. Or how about Joan of Arc? The poor bitch was burned at the stake when she was only 19 for all her mouthing off. Did she even BOTHER trying to please the men in her life?

Are you getting the point? There are a lot of different things to be. We all have something uniquely our own to offer. How about you? Oh, wait … you never even mentioned what you do. But sweetie, whatever it is, your husband obviously digs it. You are the woman he proposed to and wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He could have proposed to some Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart type like his mom. He chose you. He liked you, he had fun with you, probably admired your drive and involvements. It sounds like you are someone he’s not going to get bored with. Unless you keep up this tedious comparison game.

You know what would be really awful? Imagine a world full of nothing but Super MILs flying around in their capes, all of them trying to cook and clean and serve at the same time … and the poor things would have no one to serve. Super MILs don’t stop to sit down and eat, so there’d be no one to appreciate their efforts. No reason to actually cook. Not to mention, there would be no food left in the stores, unless some of the MILs became farmers and truck drivers and grocers. Or maybe they’d add hunting to their list of accomplishments.

So, back to your question. How do you NOT feel totally inadequate? Just stop comparing. Don’t waste any more time on those pointless, fearful, self-doubting thoughts. Don’t repress them, just replace them. Make a conscious decision to look at your own strengths and cultivate them. The next time you visit? Don’t bring food, for god’s sake, your MIL doesn’t need it! Just enjoy her great hospitality. And then do something nice, in your own area of specialty, just for her. Put a lot of thought and love into it, the same as she does. She will make a happy fuss, even if she has no idea what it is. Best of all, you will now be an equal — one person doing something
nice, and uniquely their own, for another.

March 9, 2016
Happy Mud Season!

With spring, comes mud. But did you know that this deliciously squishy stuff that children love to play in and dogs love to track across the floor is also the base for a respected branch of natural medicine? According to ancient wisdom, the five fundamental building blocks of the universe are sky, air, fire, water and earth. It was believed that earth is a constituent part of the physical body and that its power could be harnessed for healing.

Today, this paradigm has found its way into both ultra chic spas and naturopathy. The results from mud therapy can be near-miraculous. Of course, this ain’t your average garden variety glop — we’re talking about the really good mud.

It’s important to follow strict guidelines in preparation. Mud should never be taken from the surface of the earth, but rather dug from a depth of 3 to 4 feet and mined from pure, uncontaminated sources. Before utilizing mud, it is essential that it be dried, powdered and thoroughly sieved to remove any bits of stone, sticks or bugs. Mud found in different parts of the world has very different properties, and composition varies with the place of origin.

Brine mud comes from highly saline coastal areas. The Dead Sea is one of the most prized sources of mud for healing skin disorders of all kinds. It is rumored to have been the beauty secret of both Cleopatra and the Queen of Sheba and contains more than 20 different salts and minerals. Brine mud is rich in calcium, magnesium, potassium bromide and myriad other beneficial organic elements. As a facial mask, it soothes, cleanses and moisturizes, nourishing the skin to restore its deepest vitality.

Moor mud, also referred to as black mud, may very well hail back to the age of the dinosaurs. It was produced over thousands of years from the organic residue of grasses, herbs and flowers. The resulting fine paste contains vitamins, amino acids and plant hormones, along with fulvic and humic acids. It has chelating properties, meaning it can absorb impurities and detoxify the body … sort of like an odor-eater insole for humans. It’s used in healing sports injuries and works wonders on inflammatory conditions such as arthritis.

Fango, a thermal mud from hot spring sources, is a slimy concoction that holds heat well and has been successfully applied to give relief to patients suffering from the chronic pain of fibromyalgia and arthritis, along with treating a wide range of immune disorders. The list of reported testimonials rivals that of the best snake oil salesmen: Bothered by tuberculosis, bronchitis, chronic dry skin or psoriasis of the liver? Mud’s got the cure for what ails you.

There are two basic types of mud treatments.

Mud packs in the form of poultices can cure ordinary boils, ease a headache and absorb a variety of toxins. Mud packs on the abdomen can cool the fires of indigestion or relieve constipation. A thin film of fine mud clay can calm irritated or infected skin and is a staple at better skin salons. When there is a high level of impurities present in the body, mud heats quickly in response and a new pack must be applied. Never re-use mud! Spent poultices are full of nasty stuff that was sucked out of your pores. Treatment techniques are different for every
ailment and condition, so do some research before you try any experiments on your own.

Mud baths involve the application of a special kind of mud that is rich in natural salts and minerals. It is slathered over the entire body to treat skin disorders and kept in place for up to an hour, ideally baked in natural sunlight. I do not recommend trying the process at home! This is precisely what healing spas were invented for.

But if you find yourself yearning for a do-it-yourself communion with Mommy Earth, there are enough products available online to keep you surfing for hours. Just keep in mind that this is an unregulated market, so be sure you are buying from reputable sources. If you really want the best, ask a naturopath. In the world of mud, they are the connoisseurs who leave the rest of us in the dirt.

March 2, 2016
In the Trenches: I Cheated!

Dear C,
I cheated on my girlfriend, Bev, about a year ago. Things weren’t that bad between us, but I was bored with the relationship and wasn’t sure I wanted to stay in it. When Bev found out, it really hurt her and I felt like crap. I never wanted to see the other girl again and realized Bev meant something to me. Since then, we’ve been trying to make things work, but I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I can tell she doesn’t trust me and it puts an edge on stuff that used to be easy.

Fast forward to last week. I finally landed a really good job after months of competing in a very tight market. My second day there, the “other woman” walks in. Turns out she was recently hired in another department — she’d been out sick the day I started.

I can’t just quit after all I went through to get here. It would make me look like an idiot and be a stupid career move. And I don’t want to have anything to do with this other woman again. But if I tell Bev about it, she is going to flip. We promised to be honest with each other from now on, but it seems like telling the truth here would just be stupid. I’m not sleeping with anyone. I just want things to get back to normal. Why stir up trouble? Am I right?
Joe

Dear Joe;

What are you, nuts?

Let me explain something about cheating: When one partner screws around behind the other’s back, it isn’t just the sex that is hurtful — it’s the lie that is the worst betrayal. It’s the idea that someone you gave your trusting heart to turned you into a pathetic cuckold. They gave the best of their energy to someone else behind your back, then came home and handed you a line of crap. Maybe (you could imagine) they even called you “the old ball and chain” and laughed about you … and the whole time, your partner let you go on thinking that you were still the special one. There’s something really awful about this, whether you are a man or a woman. When you find out the truth, you feel like the asshole idiot of the universe. You don’t ever want it to happen again.

But walking on eggshells and telling more lies is not going to regain Bev’s trust. If she finds out about this situation three months in, and realizes you kept it from her the whole time, it’s deja vu all over again: You lied, the other woman knew, but good old Bev was kept in the dark as usual. How is this supposed to regain her trust?

Look, I understand. It’s an instinct we all have — to try and please or protect the person we’ve hurt in order to make it up to them. But none of that does anything to convince them you won’t do it again. You probably put on the same act while you were lying through your teeth and cheating.There’s only one thing that is going to regain trust. You need to prove that you have the guts to admit to a difficult truth.

This one shouldn’t be that hard. Right now, you’ve got no sins to confess, just an unfortunate situation. Later on, you will be guilty of the sin of omission, so I’d go for it while your odds are low. You are right about one thing — Bev is probably going to flip. In fact, she might just tell you to go f___ yourself and walk out. But after her initial anger, she’s going to simmer down and start thinking. If she’s smart, she will realize something: You had the guts to tell her a difficult truth. Maybe there’s hope after all.

People would be a whole lot better off if they ran their relationships the way they’d run a business. A business can’t last if one partner is making deals behind the other’s back. And a business can’t last if there’s a problem and one partner knows but hides it from the other. The idea is to keep the business going, not to play some asinine game of manipulation to keep things smooth on the surface while underneath everything’s rotting away.

The way I see it, you have nothing to lose. If Bev walks out the door and never comes back, I’m guessing that’s a choice she would have made anyway. Sometimes when you cross that line, there’s just no coming back.

February 24, 2016
Tattoo You?

The missionaries who set out to convert the natives of Africa from their heathen ways were particularly irked by
the local custom of decorating and marking the body with tattoos, nose rings and other devices of the devil. But
when priests tried to stop these practices, they were defiantly told: “This is what makes us different from the animals.”

Tattoos are as ancient as man, dating back to the 4th millennium BC. They have been used to display cultural and religious symbols, as an aid in healing and as marks of ownership. They can be works of personal expression,
or momentary lapses of judgement, but one thing all tattoos have in common is tenacity. Getting rid of one can be a royal pain in the ass.

Early methods for ink removal were positively medieval — acids, dermabrasion, even slicing away the skin with a
knife and replacing it with grafts. Fortunately, in this age of technology, our methods are far more civilized. In the
late 1980s, Harvard dermatology professor Richard Rox Anderson, M.D. developed the modern tattoo-removal
laser. Since gaining FDA approval in 1991, tattoo removal has gone from a back alley business to a well-regulated medical industry and a relatively painless procedure.

Perhaps encouraged by the advent of these improved procedures, the public’s demand for tattoos soared. Encouraged by celebrity role models and reality TV shows, a whole new generation of tattoo afficionados has been spawned. I have to admit — some of them look pretty cool. But what is cool in your 20s is not always so cool later on in life.

The reasons for buyer’s regret are many — recent break-ups, different interests, changes in career, or just a poor
quality tattoo. But sometimes, a tattoo can be a barrier to normal employment and socialization. In Santa Cruz,
Mexico, local business men, law enforcement officials and social workers founded the Dominican Tattoo Removal
Program to help former gang members and prisoners who are trying to get on with their lives. The clinic has already erased damning marks from over 1,000 paroled criminals.

In mainstream America, the clientele is very different. I spoke with Dr. Richard Rosol, owner of Tattoo Medics
on Atwells Avenue, and discovered something that surprised me: At least 63% of tattoo recipients are women.
“They tend to get tattoos for much the same reason they’d buy a bracelet — as an adornment,” he told me. “Men
usually get inked to memorialize important moments in their lives.” They also don’t as often change their minds.
Women, by far, make up the largest percentage of Dr. Rosol’s patients.

One reason for his clinic’s popularity is the attitude of the owner. Tattoo Medics is a judgement free zone, sensitive
to the emotional state of those who seek help after years of covering up and embarrassment. Dr. Rosol’s motto? “Stop hiding it and start removing it.” He thinks everyone has a right to change their minds. You’ve changed yours? No problem. Come on in.

Tattoo Medics is the first clinic in RI to offer the Picosure Laser, a state-of-the-art device that delivers ultra-short
energy pulses to shatter ink, giving better results with less recovery time. Unfortunately, this technology does
not come cheap. Those high tech machines can cost as much as a house and the insurance for them is proportionately high. As a result, the tattoo you got for 30 bucks can cost you thousands to get rid of.

So, is that indelible design worth it? Potential removal is not the only drawback. Tattoo inks are not regulated in our country and unreputable businesses can use contaminated dyes and even automotive colors, increasing the likelihood of allergic reactions, skin infection and scar tissue. Contaminated equipment can pass along tetanus and other bloodborne illnesses. In fact, people with hepatitis C are almost four times more likely to report having had a tattoo, so if you plan to go ahead, do your research. Choosing a well-recommended and reputable parlor is the smartest way to avoid complications.

Despite all the odds, an increasing number of Americans have opted for this art. A whopping $1.65 billion dollars is spent each year in tar in t year in tattoo parlors. According to research data, 40% of US adults ages 26 to 40 now have at least one tattoo. Only 17% of them will regret their decision, but of that group, fully 65% will shell out the cash to follow through. Dissatisfied customers spend more getting rid of their regrets than do all of the tattoo seekers combined.

Still want a tattoo? You are not alone. But it might be a good idea to do the math before you make a decision.

February 17, 2016
In the Trenches: They’re All A-Holes

Dear C,
Everywhere I go, people are trying to cut in line, grab the parking space I was about to back into, and put me on hold. If I stand up to them, they act like I’m the problem. If I defend myself, they get nasty. Last night, I’m at the bakery one minute after it closes, the woman is right in there, and she refuses to open the door sell me a loaf of bread that she’s probably gonna have to throw out anyway. What the hell? You can be sure I’m never going back there again. Who needs it?

Maybe you can tell me. Why am I surrounded by assholes?

Not Happy

Dear Not;
I don’t want to add to your antagonism, so I’ll try to put this nicely. I get memorable quotes in my mailbox every morning from Thoughtful Mind, and this one seems to sum it up: “We see the world the way we see ourselves.”

You are the one making the judgment call here: Everyone around you is an asshole. And why? For cutting in line, being cantankerous, and refusing to comply with your personal needs. But I gotta ask: If you’re not in the same contest, then why do you care? Some people walk through similar situations every day, and their only reaction is, “Wow, that guy’s in a hurry!” or, “I guess I’ll have to stop at the 24 hour store instead.” At best, they are momentarily annoyed, then go on their way. They don’t take it personally.

Are you beginning to see where I’m going with this?

People try to cut in line and go for the same parking space as you for all sorts of reasons, not just because they are out to get you. They may be late as hell and not even notice you. They could be on medication, just dumped by their significant other, or been chewed out at work by an unreasonable boss. They are all walking around in their own little worlds, and you simply happen to be there. Since you just met them, I doubt very much if any of it is personal.

That woman who wouldn’t sell you the bread? There might be a strict company policy, spawned by a spate of closing time robberies, that puts her job or life on the line if she opens that door for you. Her boss may have just closed out the register and be waiting for her in the back. Why is it that you assume that the only reason she isn’t selling you the bread is because she’s some asshole out to ruin your life?

Times are tense and people are edgy. One of the worst things about this is that we are turning our anger and aggression on each other, probably because the real targets are so totally out of reach. We can’t shoot the IRS. We can’t tell ISIS to bug off or slap our boss in the face. So we hold on to whatever territory we have left for dear life and snarl at anyone who gets in our way. At least, that’s what the assholes do. And, yes, there are a lot of them out there. What you may not have figured out yet is that you are an asshole, too.

Please resist that impulse to say, ”Who needs this crap?” You really need to hear this.

Unless they have serious mental issues, most people respond reasonably if you approach them with tact rather than antagonism. Next time you run into an asshole, take a lesson from Mother Teresa. People used to ask her how she could spend so much time with the beggars, vermin and whores. Didn’t it get to her? Didn’t the grime and darkness rub off? I liked her response, so I’ll paraphrase here: “I see something pure and good buried in every lost soul I touch, and it is this spirit that I speak to.” A helluva lot of those buried souls answered back. Mother Theresa had a good track record, and I think it was because it may have been the first time anyone ever treated those people as something other than low life scum.

We all tend to find what we look for; you seem to be looking for assholes. You might find a surprising reduction in the number of assholes around you when you stop labeling everyone who gets in your way an asshole. If you are still surrounded by assholes, YOU may be the one with serious mental issues. Maybe it’s time to think about therapy. The world of assholes is not a place you want to spend the rest of your life.

February 10, 2016