Alt-Facts

Emperor Denies Getting New Clothes: Fashion industry in an uproar

The nation’s capital descended into its fourth straight week of protests. The outcry started in the first week of November, when the emperor refuted a claim he had purchased a brand new wardrobe made of the finest Parisian silks. In a follow-up press conference the following morning, his Majesty asserted, “I’m always naked from the socks up. The suit I’m currently wearing is a manufactured illusion by my enemies.”

“Why would I need clothes?” he continued. “I mean, look at me, I am naked, I am always naked. Everybody wants to see me naked. It’s a form of national service, really.” A statement from the emperor’s legal counsel indicated they are demanding an inquiry in the entire clothes-making industry to prove they do not actually make clothes.

Protestors Protest Emperor’s Lack of New Clothes Claim

Pro-emperor protests gathered in large numbers one morning, citing frustration at the quickly escalating the-Emperor-Maybe-Has-Clothes scandal. The groups, who refer to themselves as the Emperor’s Squadron, rode Harley-Davidson motorcycles down the capital’s main streets, hollering at pedestrians and demanding all weavers cease operations until their group can confirm whether the emperor wears clothes. 

Members of the Emperor’s Squadron are also on record advocating for deporting immigrants back to their countries of origin, and draining a public works project they call “the deep state.” They tote guns and dress up in bright Hawaiian shirts over their squadron-issued Harley-Davidson tees. “It’s plain as day our emperor is always as naked as an infant,” says one squadron member. “The illusion that he is dressed is the lamestream media projecting, in order to shield his glorious figure from underage voters and other patrons of Cracker Barrel.”

It’s Black Friday for Bookies

Bookies across the Empire are taking bets on what’s coming down first: Emperor Squadron banners or this year’s Christmas decorations. The betting industry is making a comeback, but not all are so happy with the recent social unrest.

“We wish they’d go out and get a job,” said Bertie, a seasonal worker from a local strip mall. “But all they do is sit around the place and take advantage of the fruits of our labor. Protesting whether the emperor has clothes or not is a privilege for those who have the luxury to do so.” 

No one in the squadron could cobble together a statement refuting it before press time, however, Mckenzie has vowed protesters will find something else to get indignant about. “Don’t worry,” he told us over text. “Our members will soon be drafted into the war on Christmas, and we’ll rally against pagan propaganda on take-out cups.”

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