Alt-Facts

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: RI is locked, stocked and in peril

Lunchtime with Gina 

With New Scientist magazine reporting on March 25 that scientists still don’t know if humans can catch the coronavirus twice, Governor Raimondo announced new measures to mitigate the risk. Speaking yesterday on her daily afternoon chat show, “Lunchtime with Gina,” she said, “It’s not enough that we stay 6 feet from other people, so we are now insisting that you all stay 6 feet away from yourselves at all times.” Demonstrating how to implement the new rule, the governor sat adjacent to a mirror (6 feet away), maintaining eye contact with herself throughout. “And this is how we shall all spend the next three months,” she concluded. “At this point, eating and sleeping are not important. We must eradicate this scourge before it eradicates us!” And with that, Raimondo scurried back to her safe burrow deep beneath the State House.

Toilet Paper Stockpiling – The Truth

Proof that supply chains are fine

The stores are empty, the shelves are bare, and everywhere you look people’s backsides are rubbed raw. As the mass toilet paper/ass-wiping crisis continues to sweep Rhode Island, the state’s top minds have been furiously at work trying to figure out why. “Bowel discomfort is not readily associated with the symptoms of COVID-19,” explains Dr. Harry Hole, a COVID-19 expert at Brown University. “So the stockpiling of toilet paper makes no sense.” Pressure is coming from conservationists, too: “Social media thinks it’s funny,” remarked Ed Trigger of the Rhode Island Order of Trees (RIOT). “But forests are dying all over the place to fuel this craze.” Feeling the heat, a team of specialists at URI claim to have figured out the truth. “It’s quite simple really,” reveals Professor Stayat Holme of the psychology department. “Every time one person sneezes, 10 others shit themselves.”

2020 Is Cancelled

With 2020 blowing harder than Stormy Daniels (throwback to the good old days — remember that?), Krishna, Jesus and David Bowie have decided to cancel 2020 and start again next year. Months are also cancelled, as is the concept of time itself. Which means that while you won’t age at all for the next full rotation of the earth around the sun, it does mean you will have to pay double premiums on car insurance and all that nasty adult stuff next time round. The good news is that as an unforeseen consequence of the timewarp, Rhode Island will break free of the rest of the country and miraculously find itself in the Caribbean. Although that could be wishful thinking, what Rhode Islander doesn’t dream of being closer to Florida as they age? 

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