Sports Betting Mellows Out

Twin River Casino in Lincoln has announced the launch of a dispensary and craft brewery in their Sportsbook Bar & Grill, which will take place on April 20. Public Relations Officer Dewey Smokum spoke to the press Tuesday and announced that due to the additions, the restaurant’s name will be changed to Buds & Suds Sportsbook. “It is truly a high point for Twin River and Bally Sports,” Smokum said. “We have heard the people’s request for a one-stop shop for your cannabis, craft beer and sports gambling needs.” As part of a grand opening promotion, the sportsbook will provide a complimentary joint and 16-ounce beer for anyone who places a $20 bet (limit one per customer).

Degenerate gambler Betty House said “I am so thankful that Twin River will now have cannabis on site. It’s been annoying driving to two different places. Now I won’t have to!” Lincoln local Breton DePonies shared similar sentiments: “This is fantastic! I cannot wait to taste the new beer and I certainly will give the weed a hit.”

Feeling Lucky will be a signature strain sold exclusively at Buds & Suds. The flagship strain was cultivated in conjunction with Rhode Island Leaf. The appropriately named Bud Baker joked that “you could have sold your children to the casino, after smoking you’ll still be Feeling Lucky.” The strain will be a potent hybrid but Baker insisted on keeping the specifics close to the vest for now. “I keep that information with my closest buds,” Baker said.

Drew Pilsner was hired as master craft brewer and is excited about creating the first Twin River flagship beer. His specialty has been light beers in the past but he wants to create something truly special for the casino. He has decided to name his new beer “Cold Hard Kölsch” and it will be served in traditional Stange glasses. When asked if there will be any projects with Rhode Island Leaf, such as CBD seltzers, he said, “I haven’t done it before, but I suppose anything is possible.”

Newly appointed manager of Buds and Suds Constance Lehigh is aware of new issues that cannabis use may cause in her bar, but on the surface she looked very calm about it. “The security and staff will undergo thorough training to handle disruptive customers.” Lehigh stated that the Sportsbook will still run as it did before, just with an added perk to the customer experience. “Bet on the Celtics, drink a pint, smoke a bowl and order a lot of wings. Enjoy all that we can provide for you. We also figure this is the only way we can get people to bet on things like the Mets winning the World Series. Or the Pats winning the World Series. Or Snoop Dog winning the World Series. We’ll have to introduce some new betting categories, for sure.”

Twin River’s Head of Security Edward E. Bull said that smoking cannabis will still be prohibited throughout the casino, but there will be designated smoking areas. Bull is one of the few staff members not in favor of the dispensary. “Not everyone enjoys the smell of cannabis,” Bull said. “If only there was a different way for people to enjoy it.”

Note: This column is satire, not fact-based reporting.