Yes, it’s an alarming headline. Let’s get right to the bullet points, because our attention is very short. Instagram? Twitter? Threads… Oooh, is that a cat video?
We squid are thrilled with the changes you bipeds are inflicting on the planet! Just take the recent deluge rainstorms and subsequent flooding. In early July, we got to do some power-swimming through the streets of downtown Providence. Nice town you got there. Love how it’s all at Sea Level. Too bad you didn’t build the bus tunnel underneath Kennedy Plaza, because that would’ve been some awesome low-income housing for mollusks.
• We heard that the Rhode Island Cannabis Control Commission will be having some “listening sessions.” We nominate Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and anything by Kendrick Lamar. Do we have to bring our own headphones, or is there going to be a sound system? Are there going to be free brownies and gummies? Doritos?
• Did you hear about the recent bank heist on Federal Hill? The Providence Journal didn’t. Some guys walked in with a few roller suitcases and wheeled out a few minutes later with $500,000. According to other news sources it was an inside job. The Journal felt a pressing need to keep us updated on celebrity birthdays instead.
• First Florida banned Rhode Island driver’s privilege cards because we let undocumented people (in Florida, they’re known as “Illegal Aliens”) get them. Why? Because giving them a driver’s card means they’re not undocumented anymore, therefore they’re not illegal.
Then Florida changed its mind, and said that anybody with a “Real ID” will be permitted to drive, but not get an abortion. Now, the RI Department of Motor Vehicles is considering opening up a “pop-up touring branch office in Florida to provide “Real IDs” for snowbirds.
“Former Governor Ed DiPrete’s old Winnebago was gathering dust in a Cranston impound lot,” said DMV spokesperson Ima Freud. “We’ve outfitted it like a real DMV office, complete with uncomfortable chairs, boring television, and a random number generator system. Now that Philadelphia is off limits, it’s amazing how many employees want to go to Disney World. Wait, is that still part of Florida?”
• Imagine sitting in the Avon Cinema, watching Wes Anderson’s latest talking picture with your best friend, when someone yells, “Fire!” Popcorn goes flying and you run toward the exit. This happened recently, when a bunch of clowns decided to test their freedom of speech. Providence Police managed to identify and arrest the idiots. One of the perps was heard to defend their actions, saying, “But the movie theater wasn’t crowded!”
• One thing we’re not thankful for… The Boston Globe recently ran an article about the commercial fishing numbers in Rhode Island. Turns out that the fleet pulled in more than 31 million pounds of “Longfin squid and ilex (shortfin squid)” with an estimated street value of $41.1 million. Not only is this cash-for-corpses reportage horrifying, but we find the lumping longfin and ilex together to be culturally offensive. Please issue a retraction and apology!
Note: This column is satire, not fact-based reporting. The opinions expressed here do not necessarily represent those of Motif and is not guaranteed to be funny.