Squid’s Ink: New Year’s Dissolutions

This month, we hacked Peloton. Yes, they killed Big on purpose, but it turns out that they also had a secret cache of New Year’s Resolutions from prominent people and organizations…

National and International Pledges

President Joe Biden vows to live through the year. 

Former President and current scumbag Donald Trump vows to bilk as many voters… er investors… as possible with his new new social media outlet, “Trumpeting Trump Trump.”

Vice President Kamala Harris promises to get out from under Joe’s shadow and accomplish something to justify running in 2024.

Barack Obama promises to talk to Michelle about running for President. Again.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson can’t promise to comb his hair, but he will try to wipe that silly grin off his face when announcing COVID deaths and restrictions.

Vladimir Putin has made a commitment to do everything in his power to piss off Joe Biden, just for fun. 

China promises to host the Olympics and not torture anyone in public.

Rogue’s Island Resolutions

Governor Dan McKee still promises to get a clue.

House Speaker Joseph Shekarchi promises not to get caught.

This year, Senate President Dominick J. Ruggerio vows to replace Shekarchi as “The Most Powerful Man in Rhode Island”

Matt Brown promises to appeal to more than extremely progressive Progressive voters, though he has no idea how.

RI’s Republican Party resolves to find a viable candidate for Governor, but also can’t figure out how.

The Redistricting Commission promises, vows, and assures that there will be neither gerrymandering nor political favoritism. (Their Venmo is @Buy-A-Seat).

Departmental Aspirations

Johnston will change its name to Amazohnston. 

The RI Department of Education promises to stop saying that students are “behind.” They also promise to dump… er… give back Providence’s school system. They will accomplish all this with a series of cheerful and optimistic emails.

Having successfully done it once, The RI Department of Transportation promises to demolish roads, close bridges, and complete all construction in three to five years. Ten years, tops.

The Coastal Resources Management Council will do a better job covering up its commitment to the shoreline rights of the wealthy and powerful.

Barrington and Little Compton will provide free public access to all their beaches, and start charging non-residents tolls to enter town limits. 

The Providence Board of Licenses has picked an easy resolution: they will quickly approve reopening – or rebranding – any bars or strip club that is closed because of corruption or violence. (Their, somewhat ironic, Venmo is @We-See-Nothing)

Pawtucket will figure out what to do with the Apex building. Ideas include moving the methadone and drug rehab from downtown, creating an inoffensive sculpture garden or transforming it into “The World’s Largest Bucket” as a tourist attraction.

The Superman Building vows to stay empty and looming – unless taxpayers bend over and pay.

And… the RI DMV promises that as soon as COVID restrictions are lifted, we can return to long lines and agonizing waits.