As you probably know, more than 312 candidates have thrown their names into the ring for the seat of former US Congressional Rep David “I’m Giving Money Away Now” Ciccilini. We spoke with our editor about interviewing each of them, but were told that Motif couldn’t afford to print that many pages. “Pick one,” the powers that be suggested.
We chose frequent Squid’s Ink guest expert Ima Freud. As regular readers of this column know, Freud is an expert in all things that require expertise. During the pre-interview negotiations, Freud declined to be identified by gender, race, or socioeconomic status.
Squid’s Ink: Why are you running for Congress?
Ima Freud: Isn’t everybody? (laughs)
SI: Is that your final answer?
IF: No. I’m in it for the perqs. You get a travel budget, an office with staff, and free healthcare for life. I figure if I sleep in the office, and eat in the cafeteria, at the end of two years I can save enough money to take a round-the-world vacation.
IF: No, in all seriousness, I want to make a difference. Or rather, I want to try to make a difference. Or maybe I just want to look like I’m making a difference. The current deadlock in Congress, along with my status as a junior rep means that the odds of me actually accomplishing anything is close to zero.
SI: That’s your campaign platform?
IF: Hell no; when I talk with voters, I tell them exactly what they want to hear. I’m in favor of more jobs, better roads, safer schools, a cleaner environment, and lower taxes. I believe in both affirmative action, and if you’re white and rich, your kids deserve to go to college. Not only will I forgive student loans, I’ll forgive your student loan even if you didn’t go to school! I want to implement universal health care and socialized medicine within the free market system, so that we can have the best of all possible worlds.
SI: That sounds impossible.
IF: Oh, it is. But you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. So, I want to scramble the eggs, plant them, and raise chickens.
IF: You haven’t asked me about the war in the Ukraine yet.
SI: Okay… What do you think we should do about the war in Ukraine?
IF: The Russians are the enemy now. Again. It’s like back in the Cold War! One of the pillars of the American economy is designing and manufacturing the best weapons in the world. But we don’t want our soldiers to die. We have all these guns and missiles, bombs and planes gathering dust. Old cluster bombs? Let’s dump them on Ukraine! This is the best way to subsidize, I mean, fund the military industrial complex, while getting lots of free data on how to kill the enemy without loss of American lives.
SI: That’s horrible.
IF: War is hell. So is politics. You think I want to wear a suit and spend my days in meetings with politicians, lobbyists and sycophants? (shudders)
SI: Why should Rhode Islanders vote for you?
IF: I’m the last best hope for this planet. I will reverse climate change without hurting the economy. I’ll fund Ratheon and Nortek to develop a freeze ray that will expand the polar ice caps. And I’m affordable. Here in Rhode Island, we have a $1,000 donation limit, so you can buy me cheaply and I’ll stay bought.
SI: Wow. That’s… both bizarre and honest.
IF: Yeah. We considered that for a campaign slogan, but our focus group of uninformed voters didn’t know what bizarre meant. And none of my colleagues know what “honest” means. (laughs)
SI: Anything else?
IF: Yes. You know how they say that every vote matters?
SI: It does.
IF: No, it doesn’t. So, if you’re not going to vote for me, don’t bother to vote.
SI: (Mouth open. Nothing comes out)
IF: Vote for me, Ima Freud.
Bonus Blip: All Keyed Up
We squid love Senator Josh “I legalized Pot” Miller because he’s been an advocate for gun safety, renewable energy and the environment. So, we were a bit surprised when he not only lost his shit and allegedly keyed a truck in a parking lot, but while being questioned, he basically admitted to it on police bodycam. Josh, didn’t you see “Breaking Bad,” “Better Call Saul?” or any other cop show since the Miranda ruling? Say nothing, and ask for your lawyer. Sigh. Don’t listen to the haters. Pay your fine, and the next time a bill for gun control comes up, you can say, “This is why gun control is important, because if I’d had a firearm…”