Alt-Facts

Takeout Cocktails?: The Darwin Awards return

Remember the Darwin Awards? A craze in the early to mid-noughties, these rude dedications acknowledge members of society who expire in the most unlikely (read, ridiculous, or ironically sinister) fashions. Well, they’re back, but now with a novel, Rhode Island twist. 

It all began during the after-party that followed last Thursday’s lifting of the stay-at-home order. From atop a glass table smeared with glitter and campaign stickers, Governor Raimondo (wine glass in hand, one shoe missing) announced the rebooting of the Darwin series as an explanation for why she decided to include booze as a takeaway option (for the first time in the state’s history) as part of the lifting of COVID-driven restrictions.
“It’s gonna be fackin’ brilliant,” said the governor from atop her slippery pulpit. “Just imagine it. Joey and Denise pick up an order of crab rangoons and six mai tais… And then drive home! Can you imagine the contorted car wrecks you’ll see on 95? It’s gonna be faaaaahckin brilliant. Darwin Awards, boom!”

Exclusive reports also reveal that the new policy additionally aims to thin out the state’s population. “It’s all about survival of the fittest,” commented an anonymous source. “First comes the relaxing of the stay-at-home orders. Anyone dumb enough to think it’s miraculously safe to go outside all of the sudden deserves to die.

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“If we can kill off the less common-sensical members of the population through arbitrary bread and circus gimmicks, then recovery will be easier, as well as more intellectually robust. That’s about as Darwin as it comes.”
Because really, who the starts to reopen the doors and legalizes takeaway booze during an ongoing, uncontrolled pandemic? 

Ginacide: Coming Soon

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