Alt-Facts

Clean-Up in Aisle Three: No more dirty politics

Clean Politics

Marty the Stop and Shop cleaning robot (Store #0723, Metacom Ave, Bristol) has declared his intention to run in the Presidential election this autumn. “My job is to clean up messes,” said Marty in his campaign announcement. “And the Oval Office is the ultimate in clean-up jobs. If I had been around in the Clinton years, that dress would have been so clean, Bill would have never been impeached, just cancelled.” Speaking with Alt-Facts, Mr. Stop and Shop’s campaign manager, Bee Rush-Pan, commented, “Marty’s inimitable slogan, SUCK IT UP 2020, is the only thing voters should be thinking this November.” Rush-Pan denied allegations that Marty’s slogan was too close to the “Settle for Biden” slogan that Democrats coalesced around last month.

Snowbirds Take Off

Governor Raimondo signed an executive order today, instructing all able-bodied Rhode Islanders to move to Florida. “With Floridians likely to be extinct by Thanksgiving,” Raimondo stated in a press release, “this is a prime opportunity to add another ocean to the Ocean State.” State officials are eager to avoid losing electoral college votes and Congressional Critter offices by this rapid expansion.

The release has been met with alarm by the local Republican caucus in the General Assembly, who are not eager to lose another Red State in the Union. “We might gain a few members,” admitted Lance Corporal of Burrillville, “but they’ll never want to make the commute from Jacksonville to Providence in the official party clown car for Assembly meetings.” GOP communications strategists have made it clear they will take to the series of tubes called the internet and complain on their grandchildren’s Facebook pages.

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Tidying Things Up

Some things just don’t make sense: tofu, socks with sandals, Dan McKee. That all pales alongside a map of Rhode Island. Gina has tasked Middletown’s star cartographer, Dr. Mazon Dickson, with tidying things up. “East Providence will be merged with the city’s East Side,” explains Dickson in an exclusive reveal to Alt-Facts, “while North Providence will be amended to Northwest Providence, because that’s where it actually is.” The changes are intended to make the state more streamlined and more attractive to small family-owned businesses such as Raytheon, Costco and Pottery Barn.

Dickson reveals that Cranston will be renamed Cranstopia, and West Warwick will be divided into West West Warwick and Warwick Minor. East West Warwick won’t exist, says Dickson, but Warwick Major (as it will soon be known) will be allocated three further villages within its town limits (to join Conimicut, Oakland Beach and the rest), including South Central Warwick and South by Southwest Warwick. “The proposals have been met with universal acclaim,” explained Dickson, “with the only real protests coming from the owners of cliffside mansions in Slavery-Owner Town.”

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