Alt-Facts

Big Trouble in Little Warwick: Local residents don’t like change

The Latest Hollywood-Style Reboot: Hooters Returns

For anyone who has ever hung out on Airport Road in Warwick, you’ll be familiar with the rapidly decaying Hooters building adjacent to All Stars Pub. Concerned that the sight will detract from Warwick’s beautiful skyline (and to distract from all his political problems), Mayor Solomon has vowed to re-engage his voters by reopening the failing franchise with a more honest slogan: “Hooters: Bad Food and (Trigger Warning) No Nipples.” Impeachment isn’t the only ’90s throwback this year, as Mayor Solomon aims to get more than just dogs wagging.

Just Plane Crazy

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Keeping the focus on Warwick, football fans were alarmed when they turned up at TF Green airport last Friday expecting to see the Patriot’s 767 being loaded with overpaid prima donnas on their way to a Super Bowl. Instead, all they encountered was a handful of private jets smuggling cocaine and strippers to Bob Kraft’s private island. Asked about how they felt about the absent Brady Bunch, one bemused Patriots fan commented, “I didn’t know they hosted a Super Bowl if the Pats weren’t playing,” while another exclaimed, “How is this possible? We cheat every year, I just assumed we’d be there!” Bill Belichick was unavailable for comment, with sources close to the eight-time Superbowl winner reporting a meeting with upcoming NFL supremos, the Tennessee Titans. 

Only in Rhode Island

And now for a true story. Last week, we encountered a middle-aged male wearing an overcoat, pajamas and a medical mask during a visit to a Verizon store. Asked if he was concerned about contracting the flu, the individual shook his head and explained that since cellphones are largely made in China, he was protecting himself against contracting Coronavirus. We tried to get a quote from the RI Board of Health on the matter … but they weren’t answering their phones.

Ex-Communion-cated

Bad news for Christians with human compassion, as Sacred Heart Church in West Warwick banslegislators who backed abortion bills from taking communion. Claiming that birth control is against God’s vision for the earth (many of the non-canonical Gospels were cut for being too horny on main), the Reverend Richard Bucci has (actually) taken the bold move of separating Christians from celebrating Christ’s sacrifice; because fuck it, no one is bigger than Bucci, even Jesus himself. “Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great,” said Bucci, quoting a famous catechism in an exclusive interview with AltFacts, “If a sperm gets wasted, God gets quite irate.” Sounds like Bucci is on a mission to keep mass attendance numbers up by any means necessary.

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