Local Civil War re-enactor Bill Sherman was having trouble recruiting young people into the hobby, so he hit on a novel idea that is perfectly suited to Gen Z. He immediately telephoned his friend Jim Longstreet and suggested they realign to Civil War II, getting rid of that old, dusty gray and replacing it with modern sun burnt red.
The organizers envision a picturesque tableau of tens, perhaps even dozens, of men advancing in red “MAGA” hats, carrying their Second Amendment-protected semi-automatic rifles. There is a shortage of hats, however, since they are made in a California factory with an 80% Latino workforce afraid to come to work for fear of arrest, but Chinese knock-offs are easy to find.
The main event for Civil War II will be a re-enactment of the January 6, 2021, storming of the Capitol. “We couldn’t get permission to use the real Capitol, but all we had to do to obtain permits for the RI State House was pay a few bribes,” Longstreet said. “We decided to do it on April 1 for better weather. January can be really cold and snowy.”
“My epiphany came when Donald Trump announced the ‘Freedom 250’ Ultimate Fighting Championship event to celebrate the nation’s semiquincentennial – on the South Lawn of the White House, on his 80th birthday! We re-create 1800s dueling culture, and I heard the leading expert who wrote The Field of Blood and Affairs of Honor had to look up what UFC is. I bet we could teach her some stuff! She probably had no idea who Notorious B.I.G. was except for ’Ten Duel Commandments,’” said Sherman. “We’re hoping to get Markwayne Mullin as a celebrity guest to stand his butt up for us. We attempted to reach out to conservative celebrity Chuck Norris for his thoughts on the matter but the jerk stopped responding to our e-mails. How rude!”
Sherman is now practicing how to say “semiquincentennial” without embarrassing himself, and hopes to have that down pat in time for the big commemoration.
Some folks asked if they could role-play Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents, wearing black outfits and face masks, but even the main contingent of red-hat-wearing MAGA enthusiasts decided they couldn’t stand them and told them to stay away. “Besides, those guys are trigger-happy and not to be trusted,” Longstreet said.
One of the hardest challenges was rounding up enough Tesla Cybertrucks as troop transports, because they reportedly have trouble going uphill. “We used to re-enact the burning of Atlanta, but the Cybertruck fleet will do just as well,” said Sherman. “You can’t trust these new-age electric vehicles, which is why the steam-powered Stanley Runabout remains our official automobile; they explode less often than Teslas.”
Sponsors were hard to find. “Starbucks turned us down flat, which surprised us because they don’t even let descendants of enslaved people use their bathroom,” Longstreet said. “We’re trying to pitch Knockout Brews, which founder Sylbester Stallone promised would be the ‘anti-woke’ coffee shop. I thought the point of coffee was to MAKE you woke.”
“We already have medical re-enactors experienced with polio, whooping cough, measles, and tuberculosis, so we’re all set up for the MAHA folks,” Sherman said. “A number of nurses initially signed up, but they backed out for fear of being shot.” An encampment is planned for anti-vaxxers and a concentration-encampment for pro-vaxxers.
TikTok will be the responsibility of Matt Brady, shooting the occasional photo with an iPhone but relying mostly on AI-generated fakes. “It’s just easier to make stuff up,” said Brady, whose day job is with Fox News.
Sherman said, “We were stuck on what would be the new Lost Cause, and then almost miraculously Trump started a war with Iran. It’s perfect! There’s no way we can win that.”