November Holidays, Ranked: A sardonic take on the holidays of November

There were so many holidays in November worth ranking, I had to combine some. Here we go. 

6. Veterans Day, Nov. 11

Remember: Memorial Day is the one where we remember the deceased, and this one is for thanking veterans who are still around. And if you don’t know a veteran, a lot of you have a whole day off to go find one. No excuses. 

Or you can take the easy way out and just thank my grandpa, which I’m sure he’d appreciate before saying something wistful about the country and then quickly descending into conservative talking points. Thanks for your service, grandpa. 

5. National Sardines Day, Nov. 24

People still eat these? Goddamn. 

My grandpa used to pry open a can and let us taste these, and I think I only did it to gross out my mom. 

4. Thanksgiving / Black Friday / Small Business Saturday / Cyber Monday / Giving Tuesday, Nov. 24 – 29

There’s nothing more American than this sequence of holidays. First, we are going to gorge ourselves on massive amounts of food. Maybe we’ll reflect on the myth of the first Thanksgiving that purely exists to uphold the false colonizer narrative that colonialism wasn’t marked by violence and slavery and genocide – but probably not. Then, we are going to keep the capitalist engine running by having a holiday literally dedicated to buying things – doesn’t matter what really, just buy some stuff! Then we are going to have a similar day, except this time focus on buying stuff from small businesses. 

Then we get a day off before we are back at work buying more things, online this time (and probably from Amazon – back to big businesses, forget all that small business stuff until next year). And then, if we have literally any money left, we atone for our consumerism by giving it away on Giving Tuesday. If I was the Giving Tuesday people, I’d move it to before the multi-day shopping spree, while people still have cash to feel charitable with!

3. International Men’s Day / Women’s Entrepreneurship Day: Nov. 19

Listen folks, men do the herculean task of holding up the patriarchy every day, and it’s heavy. It’s time for men to get their long-deprived recognition, and for women to start a business to support the family. 

2. National Clean Out Your Fridge Day, Nov. 15

Sometimes I feel targeted by holidays. This is one of those times. 

There are a lot of words I could use to describe my fridge, one shared mostly by me and my human roommate but with a small portion dedicated to our feline cohabitant. Dirty is one, but I feel like it doesn’t quite do it justice. Perhaps ‘terrarium.’

1. National Fast Food Day, Nov 16

This one follows National Clean Out Your Fridge Day because after you clean out the fridge, you realize you have nothing to eat, so you go down the street to your local Mickey D’s. 

As a sub-ranking of this holiday ranking, I’m now going to rank my favorite fast food locations. 

Honorable Mention: Mary Lou’s Coffee. They probably aren’t considered fast food because it’s mostly coffee, plus I’ve only ever had one product from them: the Oreo Cookie Monster. But it’s damn good. So good, in fact, that every cup comes with an insulin prescription because your pancreas will fail.

3. KFC. It really is finger-licken’ good. And did you know the Colonel was almost a Kentucky senator? Crazy. And you know that they released a dating simulator computer game called I Love You, Colonel Sanders in 2019? Also crazy. 

2. McDonald’s. I go so frequently that the manager there knows I like to get three packets of mayo on the side for my french fries. The folks at KFC aren’t allowed to give me mayo. Maybe they would have taken the #2 spot if they did. I hope they are reading this. 

1. Popeye’s. If the bag isn’t soaked with grease, I don’t want it. It seems like the fry bag here is more of a suggested serving size that Popeye’s employees tend to ignore and just dump a truckload of fries on top of. And don’t even get me started on that heavenly chicken sandwich.