Phillipe and Jorge enjoy giving gifts as much as anyone, but actually far prefer getting them. This is especially so if they still have the tags attached and have the store receipt stapled to them, so we can avoid having to display or even endure the unspeakably bad taste that was employed in their selection and can race back and exchange them for something that won’t draw undesired ridicule. No, we do not need cargo shorts. No, we do not need a cute Hummel figurine or an old-time lawn jockey statue, for that matter. (Although the black Willie Shoemaker would look AbFab just below our framed and autographed posters of Little Richard and Esquerita in the Boom Boom Room at Casa Diablo.) No, we do not need flannel shirts for that “bear” look. No, we certainly do not need gift certificates to a spa for a mani/pedi and deep massage. Why in hell do you think we pay our cabana boys Lars and Enrico so much? Because they can actually act as lifeguards at the pool, are good cooks or can wait on our table properly? Pul-eeze, dahlings.
So here are a few imaginative suggestions for gifts you will be proud to proffer to your select friends in a false sense of gaiety and real sense of consumerism with the imprimatur of the birth of Baby Jesus. But doesn’t that virgin birth meme give you a chuckle? Hey, Joseph, as Muddy Waters sang on “Long Distance Call” (from the Magi?), you oughta pick up on the fact another mule’s been kickin’ in your stall. And it was bit before you hit the barn in Bethlehem.
“Queen for Every Day”: A surefire winner for your favorite “guy” is the new “Mitch’s Secret” line of bras and panties for bigger and older queens such as company founder and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. As Sen. McConnell can testify, the padded bra and Depends-lined satin knickers are virtually undetectable beneath a baggy pinstriped suit, whether you are on “Meet the Press” urging a repeal of Obamacare, or just vogue-ing at the podium on the Senate floor during a vote to support the right for kids to bring guns to school. You’ll always be “packin’” with Mitch’s Secret next to your skin, whether people know it or not.
“NuSpine”: The perfect gift for someone like Providence mayoral candidate and GOP turncoat Dr. Dan “Elmer Fudd” Harrop, who was tragically born without a spine. Carefully crafted from wooden two-by-fours which Al Gore used to have inserted in his fundament, NuSpine is attached to your back with duct tape to ensure that you will not do gutless things like contribute to your campaign opponent or vote for him on Election Day. Comes in custom models including the Obamarama, Clapped-Out Harry Reid, and Hillary Votes for Iraq War.
“Orange You Glad to See Me?”: Someone you know looking pale and washed out? Just give them the John Boehner line of pancake makeup. Made with QT tanning lotion, pulverized Cheetos (for that refreshing exfoliant effect as well as upbeat color) and old-school paste, Boehner’s “Orange You Glad to See Me?” cosmetics not only give you that glow that looks like you’ve been exposed to excessive plutonium radiation, but the school paste covers up those old acne scars and excessive wrinkling like a good naval boat hull sealant, and will absolutely, positively not run during embarrassing public crying jags.
Billy Comes Out
Phillipe & Jorge want to extend our best wishes and congratulations to Billy Gilman, RI-born country music artist, who “came out” as a gay man on Nov 20. Our understanding about the world of mainstream country music leads us to believe that this took quite a bit of courage on Billy’s part. But, as the leading “faux-mos” in the Biggest Little, we have always believed that the more people who come out, the more everyone will understand that one’s sexual orientation is a non-issue, especially when it comes to music and the arts in general. Billy is a class act all-around, and Vo Dilun has good reason to be proud of this young artist.
Sort of interesting to see last week that the family of the late Jamaican reggae artist Bob Marley has launched what they describe as the world’s first “global cannabis brand.” They’re calling it “Marley Natural” and the brand will be used to sell cannabis-infused lotions, creams and various accessories. The news report we saw continued, “The new brand is being developed with Privateer Holdings based in Washington state, stressing the life and legacy of Jamaica’s greatest cultural export” and intended to be sold in the US and possibly worldwide starting next year.
“My dad would be so happy to see people understanding the healing power of the herb,” Cedella Marley, the late reggae star’s daughter, said. Privateer’s chief executive, Brendan Kennedy, added that Marley was, “Someone who, in many ways, helped start the movement to end cannabis prohibition 50 years ago. It was just a natural fit between Bob Marley and this product. You know, if you were to look for the most famous human being who ever walked the face of the earth related to cannabis, it would be Bob Marley.”
Marley, who passed away in 1981, was a Rastafarian, and cannabis is a key part of the faith. Your superior correspondents were fortunate enough to have seen Marley and the Wailers perform at Meehan Auditorium in one of his last tours of the US and can assure you that he was as great as his reputation. It was one of the most mesmerizing concerts we have ever witnessed.
Meanwhile, a number of other musicians who have occasionally enjoyed the herb over the years, wonder what will become of the phrase, “Bennett weed.” A lot of us have been under the impression that the person who knew most about the finest quality weed in the world was the great singer, Tony Bennett. We don’t know if that is true or not, but Tony is one happy guy (or, as Tony would put it, “beautiful, baby, beautiful”). The highest compliment paid to a happy marijuana experience was, “That’s real Bennett weed.”
As more states in the country we like to call “the United States of America” legalize cannabis, we expect to hear more talk about the relative merits of Marley Natural and Bennett weed.