Rhody in Love: Young people hook-up, but not all is rosy in the Ocean State

It’s not easy being young. Millennials and their juniors face an uphill battle arguably more arduous than any generation has faced since the Second World War. An ever-competitive workforce characterized by low income, long hours and unrealistic expectations of 24/7 loyalty and availability is the norm, with unfavorable rates of interest, legacies of debt and a world that is catching up on historic injustices forming a harsh reality that few would envy. But that is the lot that the future needs to contend with. In Rhode Island, median income for millennials is a paltry $20,000, but an average of 79% of that number is taken out in bills alone. 

Despite this challenging existence, the state’s marriage rates among young people are decreasing and the traditional notion of nuptials are dying with it. According to a Gallup poll, just 20% of millennials are married, compared to 32% of Gen X-ers and 40% of baby boomers when they were the same age. So, what does it mean to fall in love in such a shifting landscape, and what drives couples (or thrupples) into relationships?

Alan, 28 and Katarina, 26, from Pawtucket are a young, married couple similar to many others their age. “We’d been together for quite a while before we got married,” explains Katarina. “I’ve always felt that marriage isn’t something you have to do to prove your love and commitment, especially not in present times when couples can live together like a married couple without everyone gasping about ‘living in sin.’ The only mandatory thing about marriage is the legal/financial element. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone, it’s a good idea to make sure you can get insurance together, be the emergency contact/next of kin, etc… 

“We didn’t get married until July 2018,” she continues. “I had just started a new job, and understood that we were coming to a point in adulthood where we couldn’t operate as single entities and progress financial/career-wise. Frankly, it was going to be financially irresponsible if we didn’t, and I was very adamant about pre-nups. I know that’s somewhat taboo; people think you secretly know the marriage will end. However, from seeing how a pre-nup was crucial in my own parents’ divorce and reading a family judge state that in a way, the marriage/divorce laws of your state are a pre-nup everyone gets, getting one individually is just tailoring it to fit your life.”

From there, the path to marriage was straightforward. “I literally just looked up marriage officiants on the internet,” Katarina explains, “found a guy who could do it that following Monday for $50, then I texted him, my mum, sisters and a few friends the time/date, picked each other up from work, had the ceremony in under a half hour, filed the paperwork at City Hall a few days later, then boom. We went back to our normal life as it’d always been and got ready to face much scarier challenges than becoming a legally recognized doting duo.” 

However, there is more to their marriage than doting affection. “As far as the house/financial stuff goes,” comments Alan, “it’s our joint income that allows us to just cover the monthly costs and occasionally order takeout or go to a concert or whatever. People often don’t consider the day-to-day costs of home ownership. I certainly didn’t the first time we looked at houses a few years back. We found a place and we were all set to make an offer, but some last-minute number crunching showed that unless we lived on Ramen and wore sweaters instead of having heat, we would be losing money.”

Xochi, 32, Providence, is a member of the Navajo nation originally from Arizona. Like Alan and Katarina, her take on marriage is largely informed by money and resources, but sees things a little differently from her Pawtuckian neighbors. “I think more people are refraining from marriage and having children because of money. I know that is a big factor in my choice. There are plenty of other alternatives to marrying because you can’t afford to live in your own, and I think people know that.”

Martha, 25, from Westerly agrees, but also does not see the need for marriage. “We aren’t marrying because of financial reasons, but many people are moving in together before they normally would for those same reasons. Especially in LGBTQ+ communities. There are plenty of couples who live together, or even buy a home together, that aren’t married.”

John, 25, Bristol, supports Martha’s viewpoint, “I think the biggest effect it has is on our own timelines for growth. Our generation isn’t putting unrealistic deadlines on getting married or having children. More and more people want to take time cutting out their own career and exploring their own interests and desires before starting a family or settling down. The average person will exit college with a severe financial disadvantage; most want to gain financial security before starting a family. The pressure to do it when you’re some specific age is evaporating.”

Erica, 32, Smithfield, echoes the words of her contemporaries, and again it largely comes down to money: “College educated folks are delaying or not having kids because we have to pay off our loans. I don’t know if I can ever afford children. If we have kids later, that creates a higher risk pregnancy that is more likely to incur additional healthcare costs. Every specialist (non-primary care) visit costs $70 with my private health insurance through my employer. The costs just keep adding up.”

Debt, lack of financial opportunity and a changing social landscape — the accusation that millennials are killing marriage simply is not true. Young people of today still fall in love and still have desires for stability, but all too often, these desires are out of their control. Marriage still occurs, but it comes with additional needs that may not have been seen in the second half of the 20^th Century. No longer can a single earner in a 9-5 job support both parties and raise children; it’s time the world understood that and cut young people a break. After all, it is they who are inheriting the mess of the past, and that mess makes for some bleak reading.