The United States Air Force announced that the latest addition to their arsenal, the B-614 stealth bomber, nicknamed the “Ninja,” will make its first public appearance in a flyover on Saturday, Jun 14, at the Washington DC military parade that coincides with the birthday of President Donald J. Trump.
“The Ninja is the next generation of stealth technology, going beyond invisibility to radar but also to the naked eye and ear, completely transparent and silent, using techniques pioneered at the 2016 presidential inauguration to conceal crowds,” said former Trump Press Secretary Sean Spicer, coming out of retirement for the event.
“This is an incredible plane. It’s stealth — you can’t see it,” Trump enthused about the new invisible Ninja bomber. “I said, ‘How would it do in battle with your plane?’ They say, ‘Well we have one problem — we can’t see your plane.’ That’s a big problem. Stealth, super stealth. The best in the world. We make the best military equipment in the world.”
Tech-bro entrepreneur Elon Musk reportedly landed the government contract to design and build the Ninja bombers at a price of $6 billion each, paid for in cryptocurrency from the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. “It’s an artful deal! Invisible bombers for invisible cash,” Musk said.
It will be Trump’s 79th birthday. Demographers calculate that, based on population tables, he is only 26.4% likely to die before the end of his term. “We’re hoping to turn our dear leader’s birthday into an annual event,” said Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, who has been assigned a special escort to make sure he does not get drunk and wander off the parade route.
On the ground, preparations include 18 miles of “anti-scale fencing” and 175 metal detectors for a crowd of 200,000. Military equipment that will be easier to see and hear will include 60-ton M1 Abrams battle tanks and Paladin self-propelled howitzers, expected to cause enough damage to metropolitan roads that repair and repaving will be needed. Soldiers assigned to the parade have been sleeping on floors because the Pentagon, short-staffed due to firings and layoffs, forgot to provide any accommodations. Numbers of terminated personnel were unavailable because of reductions in the workforce at the Defense Logistics Agency, which is responsible for counting them.
Trump was reported to be gratified by the display of loyalty and support from the military on his birthday. Despite attending the New York Military Academy and playing on the basketball team, during the Vietnam War Trump received 2-S college draft deferments from age 18 in 1964 through graduation in 1968, then was reclassified 1-Y (qualified for service only in time of war or national emergency) due to bone spurs in his heels, and eventually 4-F (not qualified for military service) in 1972. The bone spurs have become MAGA folk heroes for saving Trump from the fate of “suckers” and “losers” who lost their lives while serving. The New York Times assigned a reporter and two researchers in 2018 on a substantial project to hunt down the daughters of the deceased podiatrist and his colleague who provided the medical paperwork about bone spurs, apparently as a favor to their landlord, real estate baron Fred Trump, Donald’s father.
California Governor Gavin Newsom noted that Trump’s complete lack of military experience did not dissuaded him from ordering, over the objections of the governor, 5,000 Guard troops and 700 active-duty Marines from Camp Pendleton to goosestep into Los Angeles because people were waving Mexican flags. “He’s declared a war. A war on culture, on history, on science, on knowledge itself,” Newsom said. “He’s delegitimizing news organizations, and he’s assaulting the First Amendment.”
Karoline Leavitt, the fifth person to fill the formidable shoes of Sean Spicer as Trump’s White House press secretary, said from the podium that the illustrious military wisdom of the president foreshadowed the new Ninja bomber: “You can’t see it, you can’t hear it, but you know it’s there because we tell you.” The very same thing could be said of fake news.
