Advice with Spyce

Advice with Spyce: Navigating polyamory and avoiding getting catfished

Hi Spyce, 

I’m in a non monogamous relationship with a wonderful woman. We do a form of polyamory called “kitchen table poly,” and I currently live with her, her husband and their two kids. Things are going well with her, except that there are times when I don’t feel respected and accepted, especially by her husband. Furthermore, I don’t know how much I respect him. I want to try and stick it out, because I love this woman, but I’m not sure. Is love enough to make it work?

 Perplexed Providence Poly

Well PPP,

I can understand that this could be confusing. The truth is that everyone brings something into a relationship, and it’s really up to us to determine whether a relationship has too many dealbreakers, or if the “baggage” is something that we can work with. This situation is very nuanced because even though you are not romantic with your girlfriend’s spouse, you are still essentially in a relationship with him too, and in order for any relationship to work, all parties have to be consensually involved. 

So I’m curious if that’s the case. Is he down with the “kitchen table poly” or is he just not down with you because of personality clashes? You also mention that you don’t really like him either, and if that’s the case, I’d be asking why you are so intimately engaged with someone you don’t like.

 If you want to be with his wife and the two of them have that agreement in their marriage, then fine. But as long as you are living with them, you are directly engaged with him as well. I would never recommend that someone bring together two partners who don’t like each other and force them to engage, and I think as the hinge in this V, your girlfriend has the responsibility to be more clear about the dynamics, rules and comfort of both of the people who are bending their comfort levels to be with her.

Dear Spyce,

So in the normal world, which we are no longer in, things like sexting and video sex gets a bad rap. For one thing, it’s impersonal, and for another, is it safe to communicate with someone like that? In these days of cyber stalking and the like, I’m a little concerned that my picture could end up somewhere I don’t want it to. But since I can’t meet anyone in person right now, this is seeming like the best way to “date” someone and because I’m trapped inside and horny, I am more likely to let things progress to the “next level.” I have needs! But one of them is to figure out how to “do it” safely.

Unsettled Safe Sexter 

Dear USS,

I absolutely understand your trepidation, and agree that you should be cautious. In today’s world you do have to be careful who you are giving your pertinent info to, and if you don’t know and trust someone well, it could easily get into the wrong hands, and you may find your fine ass displayed up on a highway billboard for all to see. Now that might be fun in some cases, but if Grandma drives by and recognizes your identifying birth marks from when she changed your diaper … AWKWARD!!!

So here are a few things to do to keep yourself safe when you want to exchange sexy pics with strangers. First off, don’t just accept their pictures at face value. You seriously have no real way of knowing who you are talking to. Have them write down a phrase on a piece of paper (“I’m Spyce’s sexy bitch” has worked for me in the past) and hold it up in a picture to you. This ensures that you are truly talking to who you think you are talking to. Next off, don’t give up too much incriminating info from the start. So no bragging about your awesome job or your cool apartment right by the lake, that you jog around everyday at 5pm, or you may find yourself being watched when you least expect it. Another thing … don’t be too eager. We are all going stir crazy, but letting a stranger know that will not serve you well. If you really want to get to know someone new, do it first with your clothes on, and don’t send any dick pics indiscriminately.

But let’s say you DO want to share your load with a new friend, for the love of God do not send anything from your cellphone or email with your real name attached to it! Make a fake email, use a Google voice number, or download so many of the handy apps these days that you can use to send pics anonymously.

It’s very easy to get catfished in today’s world, and you don’t want to become an internet celebrity without your consent!