Our hackers had an easy September. We floated under the waves at contaminated beaches, and lounged under the bridges as flood waters rushed past above. Yes, we dodged those lures and fishing hooks (oh, the sweet temptation of near-death), but we emerged into the hurricane-election season unscathed. While others may think that the State’s appetizer of calamari is a noble thing, we find it shameful and terrifying. But that is an issue for another month.
Political Asylum
Nobody in the Rhode Island Democrat establishment will say this, but they are terrified that Governor Dan (“You snooze you lose”) McKee will shank the election to newcomer Ashley (“Carpetbagger”) Kalus.
Kalus, of course, is known for maintaining houses in Illinois, Florida, and now Newport. Her proposed education policy is to ‘Do what Massachusetts is doing… whatever that is, but better.’ Her stand on the abortion choice issue has been to dissemble and mumble platitudes on Twitter. Sounds like a true Rhode Island Pol to us!
Meanwhile, McKee has his fingers crossed that whatever the FBI is investigating will take so long it won’t land until after the election. McKee squeaked a win in September with fewer than one-third of the anemic primary vote, only after a flurry of early and absentee ballots were discovered at the Board of Elections in a plain brown paper bag.
“Any other candidate would be taking a victory lap,” said political consultant Goe Getter, “but McKee’s got to be worried. Kalus has loaned her campaign millions – lots more than McKee has fundraised. And we all know that while money can’t buy happiness, it just might buy an election.”
We woke several voters to ask their thoughts, but they just wanted to know if we’d brought coffee and donuts.
Migrant Migraines
In a brilliantly cynical move, Florida’s Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis used taxpayers’ money to airlift Central American Migrants to Martha’s Vineyard, where they were greeted with warm chowder, fried clams, and a one-way ferry ticket off the island.
We had an imaginary conversation with Rhode Island’s own Survivor champion, Richard (“Don’t tax me”) Hatch, who told us, “Poor strategy. If they had been naked, the Massachusetts Department of Environmental Protection would have classified them as a protected migratory species, and sent them to the Felix Neck Wildlife Sanctuary.”
Just before press time, our hackers also learned that in August, more than 2,000 migrants were dropped into Central Falls by parachute. They were greeted by distant relatives, taken home, and immediately put to work for Central Falls Restaurant Week. The parachute fabric is currently available at Lorraine Mills in Pawtucket for $14.95/yard.
Bussing and Biking Blunders
Blaming a COVID-related labor shortage, The Rhode Island Public Transit Authority has been reducing service and in September canceled bus runs for Providence high school students. RIPTA, which seems to think that buses are a benefit for poor people rather than a vital part of a vibrant city, promised to notify students at least 10 minutes in advance. East Side Classical High School Parents were outraged and demanded immediate action. Parents from other parts of town shrugged, “This is how RIPTA always behaves. It hates students.” RIPTA Chairman, Scott “I drive a car” Avedisian explained that to solve the problem, RIPTA is holding job fairs…“Paging Ralph Kramden!”
Meanwhile, as we go to press, the East Side is also getting a taste of Environmental Road Rage.
As part of a one week Urban Trail Test. Part of Mayor Jorge (“Kinda Cute in Bike Shorts”) Elorza’s Great Streets Initiative, more than 130 parking spaces were removed from Hope Street to make way for a two-way bike lane, which was sponsored by Spin Bikes, the 3M corporation and the AARP.
Some residents and businesses dubbed the experiment “non-democratic,” “anti-senior” and “anti-business.”
Cycling advocates pointed to sea level rise, the price of oil, and how much nicer the world would be without cars.
Will fistfights erupt? Will businesses go bankrupt? Will double-wide strollers be mowed down by rogue scooterists? Only time will tell.
Several Munchkin Bites
So… now the Dunk is the Meek. It feels like we’ve traded coffee and donuts for the mouse in the hole or the roadrunner sticking out its tongue… What’s next, vendors selling life and property insurance at Monster Truck Rallies? “Popcorn, beer, get your red hot auto liability…”
Anyway, like many of you, we’ve been wondering whether liberating its brand from the donut was a smart choice for the Dunkin’ corporation. The ubiquitous New England chain has been dashing across the pond, where it partnered with E.l.f Cosmetics to produce a makeup collection. (Really!) You can get Boston Creme Eyeshadow, a Dunkin’ Strawberry Frosted with Sprinkles Face Sponge, or the fabulous E.l.f. Dunkin Donut Forget Putty Primer, which has a “slight, sweet donut-inspired scent.” What’s next Pumpkin Latte Rouge? Or maybe Lobster Roll Croissant Lipstick?
Speaking of waffles… If you haven’t read Steve Ahlquist’s interview of Elorza on the Buff Chace 8% TSA, it’s a lovely look at how the sausage gets made. Here’s our excerpt: Steve: “$30 million tax break for what??” Elorza: “Legal department… Risk… We might lose… I’m not afraid of Nick Hemond… Just give them the money and hope nobody else sues.”
Even though it has nothing to do with Rhode Island, our hackers learned that Queen Elizabeth II of England is still dead. Despite attempts by Mark Zukerberg to reanimate her in the Metaverse, the longest ruling monarch in British history remains interred at Windsor Castle. Rumors that she was buried with several of her favorite corgi dogs are considered both fatuous and in poor taste. When asked for a comment, her son, King (“Prince”) Charles III shook his head and waggled his ears.
Finally, The Price of Gas at the Pump continues to decline as the November elections approach. “This is just business as usual,” explained Dr. Rill B’aby D’rill, spokesperson for the Oil International Cartel (OIK). “We like to give consumers a scare in the summer, and then make it easier for our puppets… er bought-and-paid-for… er politicians to win in the fall.”
