This Year, Ebenezer Makes Some New Resolutions

Ebenezer Scrooge here. Whilst on my way to market this morn, I passed a new shop whose window was filled with those moving picture boxes called “televisions.” Each box had the letters “FOX” emblazoned in the corner, with young men and women talking angrily about our troubled times. One lady, a beautiful lass with hair of gold, caught my attention as she bore a striking resemblance to my Belle. Her dewy eyes and pursed lips captivated me. There I stood for the next several hours, watching the moving pictures until I could bear not another moment.

The spirits could learn a lesson from those foxes, as I once again feel inspired to change my wretched ways, but without so much fuss and effort. I humbly declare and publish my New Year’s Resolutions:

Create jobs. My charity apparently hasn’t helped anyone. In fact, I’ve just learned that charity makes the masses lazy. Look at Tiny Tim. I paid for his reconstructive surgery and still he sits there on his stool by the fire. Wouldn’t it be better if he were gainfully employed? I hear many clothing factories will hire young children, even lame ones. As a proud business owner and wealthy man, I am a job creator. I, therefore, resolve to create as many jobs as possible, as long as I can pay minimum wage with no healthcare benefits.

Grow the economy. In the spirit of giving, I will continue to spend my riches on presents for friends and family. Rather than bringing yet another goose or fully adorned Christmas tree, this year I shall buy my dear nephew and his lovely wife a Lexus. Perhaps I’ll buy two; one for each of them, both wrapped in large red bows. Such extravagance is not simply for show, but rather for putting money in the pockets of my fellow shopkeepers. Let’s make this a December to remember!

Help rid the world of Obamacare. I’m not quite sure what this Obamacare actually is, but given the treatment it received from the golden-haired lass, I’m quite certain it’s the work of the devil. It’s destroying us job creators! I will, therefore, do my share to rid the world of Obamacare. Just don’t touch my Medicare.

Finally, and most importantly, combat the war on Christmas. Did you know there is a war on Christmas? Indeed there is. Anyone can see it. Why, just the other day I browsed the many stations on the radio and was saddened to hear that only two of them played Christmas songs exclusively. What kind of world do we live in? I hereby declare my own war against all Christmas naysayers. I shall decorate my shop with an enormous manger and will utter a loud, “Merry Christmas!” to all who pass my way.   Any idiot who goes about with “Happy Holidays” on his lips should be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. To Hanukkah, Kwanza and all those other non-Christmas holidays, I have but one thing to say, “Bah, humbug!”

Two thousand and fourteen shall be a banner year for this Scrooge. Now I must go.  I hear some chains rattling in the other room. In the words of Cratchit’s boy, “God Bless us, everyone!”