AltFacts: Begging Your Pardon

The Same Old Cavalry

Let me present you with two scenarios concerning land rights, and then you can let us know which you decide has more merit. In the first, the protagonists are ranchers who commit arson and force a 41-day standoff on a national wildlife refuge because they refuse to acknowledge the refuge’s right to prevent cattle ranching on federal land. In the second, the protagonists are (largely) pacifist Native American protesters contesting the disregard of tribal sovereignty, cultural beliefs and negative environmental consequences of the Keystone Pipeline being railroaded through Standing Rock Reservation.

While you mull, let’s turn our attention to Washington and the opinions of the nation’s favorite Alec Baldwin impersonator, D.J. Trump. We all know where this is going…

Regarding his approval of the Keystone Pipeline, Mr. Trump commented, “I don’t even think it was controversial. You know, I approved them and I haven’t even heard one call from anybody saying, ‘Oh, that was a terrible thing you did,’ …It’s not fair to our companies.” The upward of 3,500 protesters at the Sacred Stone Camp and tens of thousands of supporters across the world were too quiet for the halls of the White House, it would seem.

As for the case of Dwight and Steve Hammond vs. Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, not only did Mr. Trump side with the Hammond ranchers, but on July 10 went so far as to pardon them from their (at minimum) five-year prison sentence. “The Hammonds are devoted family men, respected contributors to their local community and have widespread support,” a prepared statement from the White House read. “Justice is overdue for Dwight and Steven Hammond, both of whom are entirely deserving of these grants of executive clemency.”

Cowboys and indians in the 21^st century. The same old cavalry. But that’s not all for the white ascendency this week. To top it off, the president defended national efforts to undermine a World Health Organization (WHO) resolution in support of breastfeeding. According to a report in The New York Times, US officials brought the interests of infant formula manufacturers to the table, and in the most forceful terms, dissolved the deliberations. In an uncharacteristic move, the president took to Twitter to express his views, “The U.S. strongly supports breastfeeding, but we don’t believe women should be denied access to formula. Many women need this option because of malnutrition and poverty.”

At the time of press, the president has failed to address the notion that more accessible healthcare and a widespread review of food access might be a more intelligent way to go about addressing these concerns. After all, the millions of babies who have died in the developing world due to parents diluting formula to make it last, mixing it with unclean water, or becoming reliant on formula and then unable to afford it is fake news … right?

United States of Brexit: A Children’s Story

Flopsy and Mopsy were two happy friends. Neither of them liked foreigners, but both loved anything draped in red, white and blue. Both admired the Iron Maiden, but neither of them liked heavy metal. Their Maiden was a Thatcher who was not to be moved.

When Mopsy was elected president of Dooleytown, USA, Flopsy was sad that he too was not a world leader. But the two remained chums, and when Flopsy began to undermine the British government to pave the way for his own ruffle-haired ascendancy, Mopsy decided to make a state visit.

So, on a warm evening in June, Mopsy visited Flopsy in his hometown of Twiddlyflungg, England. But neither Flopsy nor Mopsy liked the leader of Twiddlyflungg, a friendless pensioner named Shoey, so they did everything they could to make the old lady retire. On the first night of Mopsy’s visit, Flopsy led the pair into Shoey’s pantry and filled her milk jug with Tide Pods, making sure to leave the fridge door open for good measure. But that wasn’t all. Before flying back to Dooleytown, Mopsy let a snake loose in Shoey’s bedroom. It slithered around her fine collection of silk robes, nibbled on her cotton pillows and injected venom into Shoey’s copy of Dreams from My Father. Mopsy and Flopsy giggled as the snake caused all this damage, and decided to leave it to continue its mischief while they went to the local pub for some fish and chips.

Flopsy was sad when Mopsy left, but they promised to stay in touch.

Whether Mike Pence made it back from the trip has not yet been confirmed.

The Non-Fake News World Cup Final

Moscow, July 15 – For the first time, the United States of America are World Cup Football Champions. In a one-sided contest at the Luzhniki Stadium, the Eagles ran out 7-1 winners over a lethargic and lackluster Russian Federation. USA Head Coach, Donald J. Trump, tweeted “Our boys did us proud. They stood for the anthem and showed other NFL teams how to be TRUE PATRIOTS!” later adding, “Vladman Putin even called me to congratulate me on my sporting prowess, but fake news media will DENY I ever took part.”

In recognition of this momentous occasion, soccer will be officially renamed football, and football will be renamed handegg. “We believe handegg is a more accurate and descriptive term for the sport,” explained Sarah Sanders at Monday’s news conference, “and we are pleased to announced the launch of the National Handegg League to accommodate the change.” Newly appointed NHL Commissioner Roger J. Goodell commented, “This move was thought of by Mr. Trump, so naturally it’s deeply pleasing to me,” but declined to explain how the new name will clash with the existing National Hockey League. Sources close to Mr. Trump suggest that the former NHL will be rebranded the United States Sporting Reserve (USSR), but this has not been confirmed by the Kremlin.

In the meantime, please join us in congratulating the USA Eagles in their 10-goal triumph over the Russians. Or maybe it was 12…