Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Stuff of Legends: A brief education on Indigenous history

Me Tarzan A local athlete you might not have heard of (outside his community) is Ellison Brown, born on the Narragansett Reservation in 1914. A mind-boggling distance runner, Brown was known publicly as “Tarzan,” although members of the tribe called him “Deerfoot.” Tarzan won the 1936 and 1939 Boston Marathons, and was on the historic […]

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Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Stand Up or Sit Down: Staying on the right side of protests

Dumb Jock Basketball player LeBron James may now be the most famous non-soccer player in the world. (Sorry, LeBron, but Lionel Messi and Neymar have you for miles.) Although, if he takes the Muslim route, he could rule the international sports world (see: Ali, Muhammad). LeBron is also, to his credit, very philanthropic and generous […]

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AltFacts: Minimalism Gone Too Far: Eventually, we’ll slurp coffee from our hands

Save the Ice! (Lunchtime Quickie) Newly rebranded Dunkin, now without the Donuts, will enhance its stripped-back approach by dropping the ice from its range of iced coffees. Speaking from headquarters, Dunkin’s marketing manager, S. Presso, commented, “It’s been a success that really helps the bottom line; ice wastage is a big concern in the commercial […]

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In Fourteen Hundred Ninety-Two: Columbus raped and pillaged, too

Indigenous People’s Day Let’s make no mistake about this. FUCK Columbus. He was, and ever will be, a murderer, a rapist and an enslaver, an unwashed pervert with baggy clothes and shit hair … but to actively celebrate this man, well ladies and gentlemen, that’s akin to cheering Hitler during Yom Kippur, or giving Ted […]

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Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Buckle Up for a Rant: Your superior correspondents have had quite enough

Beyond Belief Warning: This going to be a rant, so find a “safe space” to read it, and buckle your seat belt. When is someone going to shoot off the flare that alerts everyone to the fact that our President, Donald Pussy-grab, is certifiably delusional, erratic and basically barking mad on a day-to-day basis? This […]

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AltFacts: Bright Ideas: Bringing pizza to the masses

Brainwashing (and Drying) Last week, Rhode Islanders learned that the Democratic Party actively participates in the brainwashing of African-American communities. The revelation was brought to light by URI graduate and Trumpite Republican Candace Owens, who explained at a Rhode Island Young Republicans event that Democrats treat minorities “like puppies that need rescuing … they don’t […]

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Philippe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Towering Turd: And in its shadow lies La Prov

The  Awful Tower Despite the protests of Phillipe and Jorge, the atrocious design of the Hope Point Tower has been approved by the I-95 Redevelopment Commission. This monstrosity that will be sited downtown next to the Providence River, on land that was supposed to preserved as a park, has been described by the developers as La […]

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AltFacts: Newsiest News from Round the World: Grab your knobs and your crayons, folks

Don’t Be a Knob (Israel) Perpetual imperialist Israel is at it yet again. Last week, the nation’s prime minister, Benny Nuttyyahoo, announced plans to annex the West Bank should he survive the country’s upcoming election. The Anglo-Stalinist wet dream has spent the greater part of its existence tormenting their neighbors in the name of Yahweh, […]

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Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: He’s Fast, We’re Furious: How do you solve a problem like The Donald?

We Give Up Due to the gap between when Phillipe and Jorge have to file our copy and when it comes out on the newsstands, we have almost given up on writing about our pathologically lying, infantile, racist president, Orange Orangutan. Anything projectile-vomited forward on a Friday by The Donald is bound to be overwhelmed […]

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