Gifts

Squid’s Ink Holiday Gift Guide: Not that we’re being greedy…

This month, since we were already on the naughty list, we hacked Santa’s database and discovered what some of our public officials and institutions are asking for this Christmas…

Gifts for the Politicians

  • Buddy Cianci wants another comeback. He’s thinking Governor again this time, figuring he couldn’t be any deader than Dan McKee.
  • US House Reps David Cicilline and Jim Langevin don’t need anything. They already got their gift when the US Census said they could keep their jobs. 
  • Prov Mayor Jorge Elorza wants a shiny new red bicycle, but without the training wheels! 
  • Secretary of Commerce and Former Governor Gina Raimondo wants it all.
  • Governor Dan McKee wants a clue. He also wants to be Lt. Governor again.
  • Former State Rep Aaron Regunberg asked Hanukkah Harry to bring him a time machine and a do-over, but realized he’d avoided being Gina Raimondo’s shadow and dodged governoring during COVID, so never mind….
  • US Senator Sheldon Whitehouse wants Santa to magically change his last name, so he can run for President. 
  • Brett Smiley also wants a new name. Maybe Brett Favre? 

Gifts for the Towns

  • Barrington, Narragansett and Little Compton want their beaches all to themselves.
  • New Shoreham wants a new helipad and invisible wind turbines.
  • The City of Providence wants shiny new public schools, compliant non-unionized teachers, eager students who already speak English, and no new taxes. 
  • Woonsocket wants new ice skates for the poor, hungry and homeless, because you can’t spend COVID infrastructure funds on cake. And to change the official state language to French.
  • Pawtucket wants an elegant statue of a powerful Indigenous Person to scowl from across the street at the stainless-steel monstrosity of William Blackstain… er Blackstone.
  • Newport still wants the US Navy and the Gilded Age. They miss all the sailors, tattoo parlors, dive bars, brothels and indentured servants.

Organizational Wishlists

  • Brown University wants to transition into being Harvard.
  • Roger Williams University also wants Brown to become Harvard and move to Cambridge.
  • Local theaters want Netflix, HBO, Hulu, YouTube, Prime and Twitch to go away, so that people will once again pay to be in the same room and see yet another version of A Christmas Carol.
  • The family-friendly organization formerly known as The Mafia wants to own every politician, because when you make all the laws, nothing’s illegal.

Local Media Presents 

  • The Providence Journal wants to double its circulation with another two full-price paying subscribers. 
  • The Boston Globe wants Journal political reporter Kathy Gregg, so they can have a complete set.
  • GoLocalProv wants a soul. Or maybe a conscience. Or maybe just more obituary advertisers. wants to steal Buzzfeed’s soul.
  • WJAR (Channel 10 / Sinclair) wants to televise political commentaries by Trump’s toupee.
  • RI Community Radio wants AS220 to record some more music.
  • Providence Monthly wants Motif Magazine to fold and GoLocal to implode.

Finally, Rhode Island’s Citizens Wish For…

  • A portable parking space for running errands in Providence.
  • More low-income housing, but not in our backyard.
  • Better schools in Providence (but not as good as the private schools, or charters or any of the other towns’ local schools).
  • Bustling downtowns with thriving businesses and low prices that we can shop at online with no delivery charges.
  • Invisible wind turbines that don’t wreck fishing or kill birds.
  • Blind police officers, like that superhero Daredevil, so we can have law enforcement without racial profiling.
  • Stupid damned COVID to just go away already.
  • And a little tiny earthquake that gently lifts the entire state twelve feet above sea level, expanding our coastline and revealing mile upon mile of pristine beaches – with pre-built parking lots so we can charge out-of-staters. 

Happy Holidays!

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