March Holidays Exposed: A sardonic take on the holidays of the month

Penultimate, penultimate, penultimate. That means second-to-last. What a great word. We should have words that identify third-to-last all the way to tenth-to-last. 

This is the penultimate holidays column. What a ride it has been. Anyway, let’s rank holidays. 

Honorable Mentions: 

Daylight Savings – March 12

Don’t forget to spring forward! And call your congressperson to lobby for the Sunshine Protection Act, which would do away with this meaningless semiannual change of the clock. 

National Cereal Day – March 7

I have a new idea for a business every day, but this day is really inspiring me- I have an idea for an upscale cereal-inspired cocktail/dessert bar. I want to sit at a bar and order a Cocoa Puff mudslide or a Fruity Pebbles spiked smoothie. I also want it to have a walk-up window for cereal-flavored ice cream, and outdoor seating for nice neighborhood summer nights. Let me know if you want to invest in something like that (@tizzykscerealicecream, I’m going to DM you). 

5. Ides of March – March 15

I am often told to “beware the Ides of March,” but no one ever told me what the heck an “ide” was, so I was left in a perpetual state of tense awareness through the whole of March for many years until I learned that it meant the middle of the month. Even then, why should I beware? I’m not a Roman emperor. 

This reminds me a little bit of “remember, remember, the 5th of November.” Both are vague reminders of random dates that we should be aware of. I have enough trouble remembering things. I refuse to beware on these dates (my enemies may wish to take note.) 

4. Saint Patrick’s Day – March 17

I tend not to rate drinking holidays very highly on these lists. A few years ago my roommate and I tried to do Saint Patrick’s Day the “right way,” and it ended up being kinda terrible. It was cold and we took the train to Boston to see the parade. Then we packed into an Irish pub which was overcrowded and took forever to get our overpriced and mediocre meals. Then we had to get the train home which was full of drunk revelers. Learn from my mistakes, people. 

I am generally impressed with the Irish diaspora, though- Ireland has about 6 million people, but about 70 million claim Irish ancestry, including this author. Be fruitful and multiply! So for that, head down to Murphy’s or Muldowney’s or Patrick’s Pub and get a beer- but do it on March 18th.  

3. Bunsen Burner Day – March 31

Nothing says high school chemistry like a bunsen burner. I looked forward to the days we got to bust that butane bad boy out of the cabinet (I know it’s not butane, nerds. Let me be alliterative.), plug that rubber hose into the weird hookup on the table, spark up and let that flame fly. It represented the next step in trust from the school department. Many passed this test- others burned their homework over an open flame. 

March 31 marks the birthday of the inventor of the bunsen burner, who was named- lets say together- Robert Wilhelm Eberhard von Bunsen, born in 1811. Throw WAY back. He invented the bunsen burner in 1855- should we start planning the bicentennial?

2. International Fanny Pack Day – March 11

In 2017, I worked as a middle school math teacher, and the kids today are bringing back the fanny pack. I have several thoughts.

First of all, I have a lot of respect for the kids today, fearlessly trailblazing into a fashion trend that would have gotten me beaten up (or at least ridiculed) when I was a student. I’ve seen shiny ones and ones decorated with Marvel superheroes. I’ve decided just now that I’m going to buy one myself. 

Second, fanny packs are super pragmatic. I wonder if anyone thought that they could double as a belt, though, rather than having two things around your waist. Fanny pack belts? Let me Google this quick… doesn’t seem like it! Wow, two business ideas and I’m not even done writing this article. Again, investors… reach out.  

1. National Salesperson Day – March 3

Yes, folks, it is the day we’ve all been waiting for.

National Salesperson Day. Apparently there’s about 13.5 million people working in sales in the US, and a sizable fraction of those are calling you about your car’s extended warranty. 

For those who don’t know, I’m not a full-time holiday commentary columnist, though that would make an incredible title. I’m on the sales team at Motif. It’s not always easy, but it’s a pretty good gig, and one way to celebrate National Salesperson Day would be to send your resume and cover letter to me at because we are looking for reps! Shameless plug, I know. 

Have a great March!