Has there ever been such a month? Our hackers unearthed a trove of so much chaos, we scarcely know where to begin.
- In response to the war in Ukraine, famed Cranston restaurant Twin Oaks has removed Russian dressing from the menu. “We want to do everything we can to help,” said Chef Ima Freud. “Besides, most people prefer our creamy Italian.”
- Within days of the Russian invasion, the price of gas at the pump shot up. Although politicians and economists tried to explain it as a clear case of supply and demand, one gas station owner admitted, “People actually are driving less, and I already had all this fuel on hand. Raking it in is what capitalism is all about. Now I’m going to Twin Oaks for the surf and turf.”
- “Never mind the rising cost of oil and its effect on the climate, we just can’t afford to build a wind farm,” claimed National Grid, in an attempt to extort more money from ratepayers, even as it plans to sell its RI operation. “More windmills would mess with our credit rating.” As of press time, National Grid was waiting for the state to increase the 2% profit it is already guaranteed.
- Neighbors were less than shocked when Burrillville resident Ronald Armand Andruchuk was arrested for the possession of a cache of more than 200 firearms. “Some folk are addicted to shooting heroin,” said Jacob “Swamp Yankee” Smith. “Ron’s just into the shooting.” While prosecutors are still desperately trying to prove that there’s something wrong with the alleged crypto-currency investor, the Rhode Island Coalition Against Gun Violence tweeted a suggestion, “Confiscate the guns and ship them to Ukraine.”
- Providence Mayor Jorge Elorza is pushing hard for a $500 million pension obligation bond. “We promised money to our pensioners, including myself and a bunch of State Reps,” Elorza said. “But we don’t want to lose votes by raising taxes in an election year. Or ever. So, we’re going to borrow the money to make it look like we’re doing something. Hopefully nothing will go wrong.” Former 38 Studios deal broker Michael Corso was seen rubbing his hands together in glee.
- According to The Providence Journal, at least 60 RI judges with lifetime appointments received $3,000 “retention bonuses” for no particular reason. “Some of them were wearing body cameras,” explained Governor Dan McKee. “Besides, we heard they were dying to get out, and that seemed a bit extreme.”
- Speaking of The Providence Journal, the newspaper recently announced cuts to coverage and listings of local events to make more room for obituaries. When asked about the switch, Executive Editor David Ng shrugged, “Most of our readers are already dead, so…”
- And Uprise RI recently revealed that The Providence Journal has committed to paying former House Speaker Nicholas Mattiello $30,000. We tried to find something funny to say about this, but couldn’t.
- To a chorus of yawns, the Rhode Island Department of Motor Vehicles revealed the six finalists in the redesign of the state’s license plate. Following in the footsteps of Gina “I’m Secretary of Commerce Now” Raimondo’s “Cooler and Warmer” debacle, these plates have been described as “Dull, duller and dullest.” The big winner is the 3M corporation, which will be paid $5.7 million for the plates which will last “at least five years.” “Why should prisoners make metal license plates that last forever?” said one unnamed state senator. “3M pays about $50,000 a year for lobbyists. They earned this, not the guys in the ACI.”