Squid’s Ink: The CVS COVID Bonus Edition

NOTE: This IS not misinformation… The Squid’s Ink is Satire. If you think we shouldn’t make fun of pandemics, politicians or the medical industrial complex, then don’t read this memo we intercepted…. 

From: The Board, Staff and Stockholders of CVS

To: Governor Daniel McKee

Subject: Holiday Testing Spree

Dear Governor McKee,

Thank you so much for your pre-Christmas announcement of additional COVID restrictions and recommendations. Because of your delayed warnings about spreading the virus during the holiday season, we had an unprecedented run on rapid tests in every single one of our pharmacies. 

We were initially hesitant about the announced opening of new state-run testing centers, but appointments for these facilities quickly filled, leaving responsible citizens scrambling. No one wanted to give Grandma a virus for Christmas.

Fortunately, we’ve been stockpiling “At-home OTC” rapid tests and have sold thousands upon thousands of them. Customers get two swabs, a couple of vials and two test strips (watch or timer not included). We get $25 a box with no insurance paperwork! We had to set a limit of eight boxes per customer. Needless to say, we’re thrilled.

I got this email from one store, “They’re flying off the shelf. We don’t even have time to break down the shipping boxes. As soon as someone asks, ‘Do you have…’ we just point.”

We’re so glad to have you as governor. While we might prefer Helena, as a thank you for this end-of-year sales bump, we promise not to threaten to move our headquarters until after the 2022 election.

Stay well.

– The folks at CVS