Before we get to our Top 10 Whines, this just in…
Our hackers uncovered three subversive plots! One comes from a cowardly corporation, and another by what we call the “shallow state” government…
- RI’s own CVS is renaming itself “Craven Venal Sellout” and has decided to follow the lead of WalMart, by allowing pharmacists to decide who gets birth control and abortion medication. We’ve learned that CVS is going several steps further, allowing checkout clerks to prevent fat people from buying candy and junk food, and anyone named Britney from purchasing hair blonding or bleaching products. “Some people can’t control themselves,” said CVS’s inquisitor-in-chief Youwanna Crossme. “We want our righteous employees to both have a clean conscience and save your soul.” Look for a forthcoming software upgrade allowing automated tellers to void controversial sales then blare the tune, “Shame shame shame!”
- The PawKicks Stadium is a Go-ooaaaaal! RI Commerce, the quasi governmental agency that helped to spawn the 38 Studios debacle, has approved plans to build a soccer stadium in Pawtucket. Gov. Dan McKee cast the tie-breaking vote, claiming that he’s not “walking away” from Pawtucket. Never mind that the project was initially proposed with a housing component. Never mind that the Bucket already has an empty stadium. This is new! This is bold! Shovels are ready and they’re hoping to have fans in the stands by next season! Right… Once again, a business has convinced the powers-that-spend that RI is ready to kick balls!
- In a bold move to outsource a health care nightmare, the Rhode Island Department of Health put out a call for North Korean hackers to take over the computers at Eleanor Slater Hospital and hold the beleaguered mental health institution hostage. “Nobody here understands patient care,” said Dr. Ima Freud, interim interim director of interims. “We don’t understand North Korean, and they seem crazy too, so it’s a win win.” So far, there have been no takers.
Rhode Islanders love to complain. And when we complain, we whine. Think Janice from friends, or a pro wrestler with an upcoming grudge match.
Let us hear from you about what your complaints are. Send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org and they’ll forward it to the Squid!
- It’s too fah… What do you mean I have to walk a block from my car? All the way to Cranston? And back? That’ll take at least half an hour.
- Those Providence Speed Humps seem to have a problem with birth control and weight gain. They multiply like rabbits and eat nothing but junk food and high fructose corn sodas. Who do I call to get the underbody of my car replaced?
- “Caution. Bus. Is. Turning.” Really? Every time you turn the wheel? You know what happens when somebody tells you over and over and over and over… you stop listening. I live in front of a bus stop. I have dreams of busses turning cautiously. Please make it stop!
- It’s not that you gotta know a guy to get it done. It’s that I don’t know which guy can get it done. And can we still call them guys anymore? Shouldn’t they be non-gender specific… what, drones? Potential bribees? (By the way, have you ever noticed how inexpensive it is to buy a Rhode Island politician? We’re the Ocean State Job Lot of political influencers. Except we at Squid’s Ink like Ocean State Job Lot. Really!)
- Not enough tentacles in my fried calamari. And what’s with the skimping on hot peppers?
- You want me to pay to go to the beach? Between parking fees and entry fees, it’s often challenging to get to the legal right of way between the mean high tide and the drowning mark. And the state beach passes are only for beaches on one side of the state.
- Seaweed and jellyfish and seagulls infest the beaches. Get all that wildlife off the sand and out of the water so we can party and listen to our phones real loud. Oh, and the wifi sucks, so live streaming is really a pain…
- Everybody hates Providence, including much of Providence. This is a real shame, because Providence is a great city. Yeah, it’s got problems. Who doesn’t? But Providence isn’t out to screw the rest of the state. It wants you to love it.
- RI public schools all suck – except where the property taxes are high. But raising property taxes won’t make a sucky school better. Fewer students per classroom might. But lower property values means less money for teachers…
- The DMV. How difficult is it to have a computer system that runs faster than they did in 1974? Do I need to make an appointment? If I do make an appointment, will they be on time? How long does it take to renew a driver’s license? And do you notice that they always take the people who are there after closing… does that mean the workers are getting overtime?