Alt-Facts

Vote Uncle Dan!: Wearing cool shades and drinking something non-dairy, new gov takes the state by storm

And Now for Something Completely Different

In keeping with the time honored tradition of sponsoring the natural environment with state names, Rhode Island is now considering adding a “state coral” to the list of “official state” flora and fauna. The lucky winner is Astrangia poculata, the Northern Star Coral, which is normally found in Narragansett Bay, but occasionally turns up in seaside montages at your local preschool. Yet the move has been met with outcry from some members of the marine invertebrates community, claiming that singling out just one species of coral is a sign of favoritism. 

“I mean, what has coral ever done for the people of Rhode Island?” challenged Mick O’Yster, spokescoral for the Rhode Island Shellfish Division (RISD). “It’s not like they sacrifice millions of their species every year to supply all those clam shacks! Cheeky monkeys if you ask me.”

In response, Governor McKee has agreed to give every living being in the State of Rhode Island an official designation, but this has become a problem with the Big Blue Bug becoming the Official State Bug, since the Official State Insect, the American burying beetle, already holds a similar office. Not to be outfoxed, McKee deftly redesignated the iconic landmark on 195 as the Official State Wonder. But this drew immediate complaints from, Bishop Tobin, who has been calling himself the Rhode Island State Wonder for years.

Ganja Believe It?

And just like that, a bill has emerged to legalize adult-use cannabis in Rhode Island. Despite having more holes than a Cianci legal argument, it appears that Lil Rhody is set to see the proposal steamrolled through and legalized sometime in the summer. The move has been welcomed by underground growers, who with their tax-free product don’t have to worry about donating toward the next set of roadworks on the Providence/Cranston line. Meanwhile, in the State House, hip and happenin’ Dan is drafting a proposal to install environmentally friendly, single-use bongs in the second floor bathrooms, just the latest move to win over the state’s young voters before the next election. 

“It’ll work,” commented McKee, wearing shades and drinking an almond milk latte from Brewed Awakenings. “Rhode Island has young people and in them there is a future. Bongs in bathrooms was the next logical step.”

Biden His Time

With both Gina and former Mayor of Boston Marty Walsh heading south to join the Biden Administration, Governor McKee has seen the path laid out for him. 

“What’s up in 2028, when a whole new bunch of politicos get their chance at ultimate stardom, will largely depend on the awesome shit we plan to do during our tenure in the State House,” commented an aide to the governor during a sneaky (socially distanced) beer at the wee bar downtown.

“Expect a monorail linking PVD to frontier towns like Burriville and Exeter, and we are also planning to build a cool, massive skatepark in the adandoned lots near the sewage works.”

It all sounds a lot of fun, but what I’m really looking forward to is the social laser tag game. Like the scooters found around the city, the new administration will install laser tag backpacks — rent a set for an hour and go have some fun! And remember: Vote Uncle Dan!

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