Clean Politics Marty the Stop and Shop cleaning robot (Store #0723, Metacom Ave, Bristol) has declared his intention to run in the Presidential election this autumn. “My job is to clean up messes,” said Marty in his campaign announcement. “And the Oval Office is the ultimate in clean-up jobs. If I had been around in […]
Leave the White People Alone: An Open Letter Dear Manager of “Black Lives Matter,” We have been hearing a lot about “people of color” of late and how these communities have been experiencing prejudice in the free nation that is the United State of America. In case you hadn’t noticed, this is extremely prejudicial itself. […]
Pub Life: A Plea from the Bars of Rhode Island Syndicate (B.O.R.I.S): While pub and bar owners across Rhode Island are looking forward to lockdown restrictions being lifted, the industry still faces a crisis. Public drinking establishments were feeling the pinch long before the pandemic hit, and even as society starts to return to normal, […]
Remember the Darwin Awards? A craze in the early to mid-noughties, these rude dedications acknowledge members of society who expire in the most unlikely (read, ridiculous, or ironically sinister) fashions. Well, they’re back, but now with a novel, Rhode Island twist. It all began during the after-party that followed last Thursday’s lifting of the stay-at-home […]
In his latest lurch toward a more authoritarian Providence, Mayor Elorza recently suggested that anyone caught in public not wearing a face mask should be shamed as an enemy of the people. That list includes nuns, horses, and all those who suffer from claustrophobia — weak-minded bastards that they are. In an effort to keep […]
Lysol Spritzer Don’t inject yourself with bleach, brah! That’s fucking dangerous. Instead, grab a martini glass, a bottle of vodka and one of those fancy orange ring twists. Shake up a Lysol spritzer; you only need a couple of sprays (four if you’re feeling adventurous). Pour into an industrial shaking device that withstands acid corrosion. […]
Lunchtime with Gina With New Scientist magazine reporting on March 25 that scientists still don’t know if humans can catch the coronavirus twice, Governor Raimondo announced new measures to mitigate the risk. Speaking yesterday on her daily afternoon chat show, “Lunchtime with Gina,” she said, “It’s not enough that we stay 6 feet from other […]
The Latest Hollywood-Style Reboot: Hooters Returns For anyone who has ever hung out on Airport Road in Warwick, you’ll be familiar with the rapidly decaying Hooters building adjacent to All Stars Pub. Concerned that the sight will detract from Warwick’s beautiful skyline (and to distract from all his political problems), Mayor Solomon has vowed to […]
Snow Joke Rhode Islanders were again taken by surprise Sunday and Monday as snow fell in the state for the first time this winter. “Snow isn’t that frequent in Rhody,” explained a surprised Mikey from Cheapachet. “Sometimes we go whole seasons without seeing any. To have had this storm, well, let’s say nobody was expecting […]
In light of Thanksgiving’s imminent arrival, I, The Sarcastic Sauvage of the Kiowa and Apache peoples, will be Custering the Newspaper Cowboy, and taking over this edition of Alt-Facts. Get ready for some Indigenous truths, direct from Indian Country. Wiyot Tribe Wins “Indian Island” (could settlers think of a lazier name?) lies on the California […]