Advice From the Trenches

Advice with Spyce: Getting What You Want and Getting What You Need

Dear Spyce,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years now and are really into each other. I love having sex with her, but its always the same thing. We only use our fingers and our tongues. I’ve been asking her to try a dildo, even just to use one on me, but she is very resistant to it. She’s what us lesbians call a Gold Star, meaning that she’s never been with a man. I think she doesn’t like anything resembling dick. That’s fine and all, but I’d really like some different kinds of penetration. Any ideas of what I can do? 

Down To Be F

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Dear DTBF,

I know how frustrating it can be when you’re Down to Fudge and you’re not getting the sugar you need. A sexual mismatch is never fun, especially when you have so many other wonderful parts of your relationship.

Luckily, penetration comes in many forms these days and you don’t have to bother with an actual penis to get some, or even something that looks, acts, and feels like one. In fact, there are many sex toys on the market that look nothing at all like the male genitalia, and have been created specifically for female bodies to use together. You can research different kinds of materials, shapes and purposes, and find exactly what will work best for you and your girlfriend. 

If you really want to DIY, start out with a trip to the grocery store and get a plain old cucumber. Veggies come in all shapes and sizes, and you can pick out a few to get you started without breaking the bank. And when you’re done, you can make a nice salad. Now that’s an idea even my Jewish grandmother would be proud of! 

If your girlfriend is uncomfortable with these ideas, try sitting down with her and really having a heart to heart. Let her know how much you love and care about her, and how important this is to you. Talk honestly about what’s getting in the way for her. She may have trauma that she’s not expressing to you. Get the help you need to work through this hurdle in your relationship, even if you seek it professionally. This sounds like a romance worth fighting for!

Dear Spyce,

I was married for many years to a man I met when I was very young, and I really was very chaste and unsatisfied for a long time. Now that we’ve divorced, I’ve been spending time enjoying my sexual liberation. However, things seem to have changed a lot since I’ve last been on the playing field and I know that I have to be more careful than ever. Recently I’ve gotten into a few situations where things went a little further than I was anticipating, but I felt weird about asking for protection at that point since we’d already done some other things. When it is too late to ask and just go with it?

Safe and Single

Dear SS,

When is it too late to ask for protection? NEVER!! Unless it’s over, but that’s another story! The truth is, this is your body, your health, your sexuality, your choice. You don’t owe anyone any kind of sexual experience, and the best way to truly enjoy your sexual liberation is by being wholly in charge of everything that you do and allow to be done to you. 

What I always recommend is to become comfortable with your safe sex talk, and have that talk as soon as you know that something intimate is going to happen. Or before. 

Here’s an example: You’re on a date that’s going well. He asks you if you’d like to go back to his place. You are into it, and once you get there, you sit down on the couch with a glass of wine. Bam! Perfect time for the talk! Even though you haven’t technically started doing anything, come on, we’re all adults here! Acting like something is not on the table when it is is just foolish, and possibly dangerous. Better to get it out of the way while you’re still levelheaded and not feeling like throwing caution, and your panties, to the wind! 

In terms of what the safe sex talk actually is, it’s where you talk about when you’ve last been tested, what your status was, who else you’re sleeping with and how, and what you feel comfortable doing moving forward. It’s important to recognize that all sexual contact comes with some risk, and a risk/cost analysis is wise. And always remember that you are never obligated to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing, and that you can always say no, or ask for safer sex practices. Anyone who doesn’t respect that is not worth your time!